When I was young and Iaid in bed at night alone listening to parents fight. I didnt realize at the time how easy it is to live with someone and love them but still be totall strangers. I felt completely alone because I was. Somedays my heart would ache so bad, I didnt realize how self destructive I would become. How untrusting, how secluded I would let my heart become. I never knew how happy my happy times were. Never thought I would be stuck, caught between my own sadness and the only two people I love enough to not give up on.Those people who are strangers to me. I never that who I am would wind up being this fucked up. I never thought I would have to live this long or love as much as I did. I never thought that the bottle that I poured myself into as a punk kid would end up being broken over my head. Never thought that I would love my freinds enough to push them away before I collaspe.I never knew how happy it would make me to see them maintain and become the men they are. I tried to be happy with a few fellow lost souls, but I think now that unhappy people feel such a close connection because they fall in love bringing eachother down. I used to be strong, strong enough to carry any and everyone, strong enough to let myself be weak, strong enough to beat the evil of this world. How ironic that the root of my strength was my own despair.
There are no more girls to save or homies to back. I surround myself with people who treat and think of me the same way as I do.I Laugh at their cruelness and their cowardly sarcasim. Their just lost souls like me except they are to weak to accept their worthlessness and to stupid to use their selfishness to help themselves. I could of been alot to you if I was more to myself. With your love you could of made me the kind of man who is strong enough to support you in becoming the woman your capable of and striving to be. Should of, could of, would of then. In a year we'll say the same thing about now. Some people say they are a work in progress, but their not progressing. Free will is funny like that it could be 3 minutes or 3 years but their only going to choose to be who they are. I accept peoples words for words and actions for actions, whether they match up is not a concern of mine any more my lack of guilt stems only from my lack of weakness. I feel sorry for those who dont like who they are and have to find new ways to deal and cope with the reality of who they are. Those who choose not to take control of their life, allow themselves to excuse themselves from taking control of their actions. Then in a very typical way they critisize others for for reacting. But that only last so long and the person hurt the most is often innocent. Playing with other peoples emotions because your too sick to handle feeling your own just might end up in a more painfull situation than you can bare. When excuses run out and there are no more ways to cope your left only with the reality that you have let yourself become something that you cant even control and the only way to survive is letting someone like you tell you who you are.
