Brodie's blog: "Serious stuff.."

The Happening,

A shitty horrible movie by M Night SoImadeTheSixthSenseAndUnbreakableAndMadeYouWatchGarbageAfterThat. Starring "Man hunk" Mark Wahlberg, This movie if you have not already taken the plunge is about the worlds plants fighting back against the human race with spores which cause people to kill themselves.. Thats right.. the air was chasing them.. With the recent events in my life I was starting to think this POS movie might actually be plasuable... There has been something in the air.. Granted people die every single day.. I have buried far more then my share and it has been far more then need be for ones life time. Within the past two weeks there have been an unexceptable numbers of death within my proximity..  It is just unfathomable the accesive amount of people dropping off.. it blows my mind...  Other then that.. I think I am okay. On a brighter note, Quinten T. Still has it (Y) Infact, I think Inglourious bastards might be his master piece. peace! ~Brodie AKA -Angel of death.

Maybe it is just me, but there seems to be a trend going on.. Maybe I am just paranoid.. Or maybe just maybe it is time to cut some strings and let some things go. I am fully aware of being guilty on all accounts of not making regular contact with some people.

It is crazy to think that I still have relationships with people from my childhood, I am a quarter of a century in age yet can name friends from two decades ago that I still can say hi too. Yet at the same time the pain of ones that will not say hi back. Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Or is it just time to grow up? Here we are miles apart living different life styles, yet I can not help but feel like I wronged you. Was it because I left you behind? Was it abandonment? Did I fail you? Do I no longer have something to offer you?

I have been left and it sucks to think someone apart of your life will not be around to enjoy good times with you the way it used to be. However I could not be more proud of what they have become and achieved in life and I want to talk to them about it. I am guilty of leaving, not having time, or being to cheap to use day time mins LOL. Or just not knowing what to say.. It just hurts to be ignored with out acknowledging the reasons behind the action I guess.

Miles apart I can not see you, your new husband/wife, the children you have brought into the world, the house you bought. The things that make you smile.. I miss that in everyone. I always knew even when I was not good for somethings I knew my place.. I could make you smile when your down, Make you laugh when you had a bad day, Talk to you and open your mind when things that drag you down, give you advice on anything.

I guess I just feel I lost my place with you.. You have found new friends, new reasons to smile, you have found ways to fix your problems, I am not the one you turn to anymore.. thats fine, but I still care about you never the less. I guess I could only say this was brought on by the amount of people I have tried to catch up with only to not get a reply. You owe me nothing, but it still hurt to receive it.

I have told few people why I left home, and now feel okay to talk about it. Further more it might help some of you understand my reason for a split decision to leave with out looking back. As you know in '05 my brother died, and I was a raging alcoholic POS for months and months.. There I was 6-7 months deep into this trend I had no job yet I always had food in my mouth smokes in my pocket and booze paid for at the bar. I woke up one day and realized that the only reason I am able to do all this bullshit is because Mikey carried my lame ass for months. Why?? I love him like a brother and know he would die for me just the same.

I snapped out of it literally over night stopped drinking and got a job and straightened myself out. Anyone who knows me, The harder I fall the higher I bounce. Yet even with climbing back to the top having a car a G/F and a good job and great friends.. Something was still wedged up my ass.. People bugging me on a daily basis about my brother, I am all fine and dandy to talk about it but to the depth people went it was almost like they thought I was his replacement, his friends adopted me, people that could careless for me befriended me and I would constantly be hounded.. "What happened?" "Do you know what happened?" I said it everyday for almost a year.. I have no clue but when I know I will tell you. Have I answered it yet? NO. Here's your sign!

I was living in a shadow, though I have my own relationships with people I felt consumed by this new human curiosity from people who never truly gave a shit about me. It was time to walk away from everything I knew.. everything I have built and make it on my own. I was tired of falling and people having to pick me up.

Yes I know thats what friends do and I know I have done it for many but I needed to make it on my own.. So I left.. and for literally one year -1 day (Long story) I did it 100% on my own (Special thanks to Perez for one month to get my own place) bills apartment whatever everything, making new friends and living alone! I had no one to rely on but myself and it was the hardest loneliest time of my entire life, but I am so glad I did it. I do not regret it because it was also the most beautiful time of my life.. I did not have to call for help, I did not land on your couch because the man's got me down.

So yes I have fallen hard since then.. like really really hard.. but you know what I will bounce back again soon. Things are looking up in most areas. So just know I miss you... Just know if I do not write back.. I needed to think of something else to say then the generic script I have been using to make things short. If I do not return your call, I am working or do cant afford the mins sorry! You owe me nothing but for what it is worth to anyone that needs it... I am sorry if I hurt you. I miss and love you guys.

Normally I am used to acknowledging the pain and loses that come with life.. never before have I noticed that something special inside myself had died with it. Usually it is the pain and the loss of the person is the love and good times you had together and knowing you will never have more then what you already enjoyed with them. I went to see Tool for the first time on July 21st 2009. This is a band I have tried to see every chance they were on tour for the past ten years. I have failed for 10 years straight for various reasons. Never the less I had finally done it I accomplished something I thought I would never have. I had a great time and was joined by friends and my wonderful girl friend however as much of a good time as I had.. something was missing.. and I really had to search my soul to figure it out.. I usually have a blast at concerts.. Love it and go crazy for them. So I started thinking perhaps I am just getting older.. perhaps I am just worn out. Why don't I feel the way I did when when I used to go? Then it hit me like a total epiphany. My older brother laid the foundation of music on me. Everything I know and love about music was from him bringing home the music his father called the devils work and our mother thought was annoying and stupid. He opened my mind and heart to love something and be so passionate about it and respect it's art and all of it's beauty. He had nothing to do with me liking Tool directly that was a band I discovered on my own and he had no influence over but I still acknowledge he made my mind accepting of those genres. I was the manager of a record store back in CA and was very close to the owners and treated that place as if it were my own pride and joy. So I came to the conclusion that I have not had a really really good balls to the wall good time at a concert since the first one I ever took my brother too. He brought me into the music world and I brought him to his first and last concert. I took him to see his favorite band ever.. Social Distortion. The rush he got from that made it worth doing it for him 1000 times over. He passed away a few months later. I did my grieving for months and finally pulled myself together. Me and a few friends and my younger brother had gone to another Social Distortion show almost two years later my first show since. I had fun we all had a blast but it was not the same. While there I know it was because that was something so close to his heart. Now that I have been to several various shows with bands I really really like that he never cared for.. I do not get the drive so I know I am not mixing it with his feeling only that I acknowledge his impact on my life and love for music as a whole.. I still love it, I still listen, I still defend it, I still see the bands I love when I get the chance.. Only four years later I have finally excepted that part of it has forever died for me.. That was the realization and conclusion I have come to find no matter how much I do not like it. It was hard enough to know someone who has a a piece of your heart is gone.. I just never knew with all the people I have lost they could take part of the things you love with them. I thank him and praise him for everything. Miss ya bro.