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..so, im grateful for those who helped me last night. heres a more sensible addendum. i suppose the planets were just misaligned or some great karmic debt was paid or the cosmos just wanted to give me a big 'fuck YOU, fucker!' last night.. whatever the reason, it was genuinely, deeply, absurdly fucking bad from every angle; that said, i simply have to believe, cos its the only way i know, that it was a necessary evil. some things are too heavy to even consider, so life runs off course and manifests in indelible ways at random times. fuck, i sound just as crazy as i did last night.. and i am.. but th falling from grace was sincere and genuine and necessary to 'us' and to ourselves. there was no ego involved with either of us..nor games..nor manipulation..nor orchestration..or even premeditation. it was authentic emotion on both sides.. painful,but meaningful, like most all things, worthwhile, in life.. well, again, thank u, my friends.. especially paul (he really was subjected to my full disintegration into scattered, idiotic thoughts). finally, stevil, i love u. thank you for who u are and for how u contribute, so fiercely, to who i am. I LOVE ALL OF U! -mel
..foremost, dont assume this is a silly lil fubar romance gone awry.. those of you who kno me kno better.. that said, ive hurt the most genuine love of my life, in some way, today. yes, im married and my mays is my dearest friend in life; always has been.. and he's the most amazing daddy to my veda.. and my home and my friends and my world are beautiful and happy and fulfilling.. but stevil is my true 'One'. the one who balances the weight.. who settles my crazy head.. who nourishes my soul.. who holds me more carefully than anyone else.. who touches me more deeply than anyone else.. who carries me on bad days and blows me away on good ones.. the one who has, single handedly, made me feel beautiful and meaningful and at ease with myself.. the one whom i feel most comfortable with.. he's my soul mate. my family knows he's in my life.. my husband is even grateful for him.. its THAT genuine..that tangible.. but somehow, today, i lost him along the way.. and now im just fucking lost in the wake. i dont kno what happened.. but he's hurt and silent.. and its my fault. he doesnt deserve to hurt.. he's beautiful and good and precious. not sure what i intend to accomplish with this.. maybe to ask you all to go love him, please, for me? he deserves all the love in the world.. it troubles me.. it devastates me.. to think of him in pain or dismay or anger. this isnt about me, mind u.. im not important right now.. he is. make him smile? it'll help me fucking breathe.. thank you for reading. -mel
..as most of u kno, im losing someone whom i love as easily as i breathe. my husband's papa is finally losing his battle with cancer. the fact that he's going to die is heavy, and it hurts like hell, but the dying..the fading away.. THATS what troubles me so much that im literally fucking rattled.
..ive been in love with this man my entire fucking life. truly. he was my hero when i was a kid cos he could pull quarters from behind my ear and cos he could blow perfect smoke rings. he was my hero when i was a teenager cos he could roll a joint with one hand, in an almost slow-motion finger snap movement. he was my hero on my 16th birthday when he turned to my mays and said, 'boy, if u dont grow up and marry this girl, u're a goodamn dumbass and im done with u'. lol. he was my hero on my wedding day when he slipped a grand in my hand and said, 'this is yours.. to do with as u want'. it paid for so our honeymoon. he was my hero 7 yrs later when i called him, bawling, to tell him i was pregnant and scared to death.. he said, 'there will never be a mama on this fucking earth better than u'. he was my hero when he held my veda, not even an hour after she was born, and said (crying) 'i will never love another girl in this world the way i love this little baby right here'.
..in the past 2 weeks, we have headed further down th road of death and humility and pain and fear than we ever have in this journey. this man, who is the epitome of pride; bent and broken. this boozing, whoring, foul mouthed, gambling, giant of a man.. withered and humiliated.. looking thru me for days after i had to wipe his ass.. furious with me because i unloaded his lil snub nose .38 special and took it away from him.. like he was a goddamn child whom i felt deserved no cake.
..now im struggling with th gun situation.. i had no right.. fuck, i dont know what im even trying to say here. i dont want to subject my friends to this.. and i cant handle the backlash and the freak outs that would befall him if i tell anyone in the family. fuck! so im blogging like a goddamn weirdo.
..i feel better, a little, i think.. maybe.. for a while. thank you if u've read this far. forgive my mood of late.. its dark in here. i'll make it through. b patient. love and lix. -mel
..i'm asked often what i do for fun. lol. i dont have much fun anymore. im no longer the free spirit i once was. before my veda came along, sunny days were for eating mushrooms and running thru green fields.. nights were for cold beer and dancing beneath the stars.. following the allman brothers all summer long..
veda has changed my life in every way. i was telling a beautiful man yesterday that i havent read a book in a yr. i havent closed my eyes in the bathtub in a yr. i havent watched an entire movie or listened to an entire album. i havent napped in the middle of the day. i have so little time for myself.
that said, im in love with veda. ive never known another human being whom im so completely at home with. no one makes me laugh like she does. no one makes my heart melt like she does. no one makes me happier, more proud, more afraid; no one challenges me like she does. she's my favorite thing in the world.
watching her run after a golf disc or wiggle her toes in the grass or splash in a mud puddle or cup her hands together in hopes of catching a lightening bug.. these are the things i do for fun.
..i have a twin sister who is the yen 2 my yang. She has a beautiful soul but her mind is sick; her spirit is crippled & is, there4, fundamentally bad. I love her but do not like her. I, too, am mentally ill. DON'T BE SCARED! I function well most days & have the know w/ all 2 stay the hell away from the world when im not. Its the nature of the beast; it runs deep n my mother's family & affects mostly the women. I am not lost because i know that a sick head is chemistry. My soul is wise & my heart is happy so there is a perpetual belief that theres a cold beer & a hug on the other side of my hell. It makes the crawl thru much easier 2 toler8. Does that make sense? I hav an xtremely low self esteem but am selfless by nature so it doesn't diminish the quality of my life. I'v never had an enemy. Every1 i have evr known has loved me & does love me still. I fall in love easily but without pain and it is forever. I am happy when sum1 i love falls n love w/ anothr. love isnt a possession.
..i am terrible with math. i cannot remember fone numbers or d8s. At a recent gov't mule concert, I blew warren haynes a kiss which he caught in mid air and put n the pocket of his blue jeans. i wanted 2 remember the d8; lookd @ ticket stub date and remember it still; am proud of myself. sharing this because i'm rarely proud of me. i h8 nothing and no1. i cannot stand 2 be told 2 shut up. u can tell me 2 shut the fuk up or shut the hell up.. this i don't mind. just so long as an xpletive is thrown nbetwn the 2, it's ok. lol. i'm allergic 2 mayonnaise. my favorite food is tomatoes (dirty and warm from the sun) and fried okra. willie nelson is the first man i ever loved.
.. i have a list of 5 people with whom i'd like 2 meet b4 i die. Warren Haynes is 1; followed by Willie Nelson, Stephen Asma (who wrote a book that gave me peace), Ajahn Brahm (a buddhist monk w/ a sexy london accent), and my 5th is open and ever changing. It's my failsafe. i make the 5th sum1 w/ whom i may actually meet. i'm out of thoughts. please ask me anything and i will answer u. i have no imaginary line 4 which u may not cross. i am open and honest by default. i will tell u anything u want. i'v just exhaustd my loose reverie of self reflection. i'm ordinary..so much so that i find it difficult 2 produce riveting subject matter. ~lmfao.
