With summer just around the corner, and millions of people heading off to the beaches, I thought it would be a good idea to teach you all the basics of sandcastle building
The correct construction of a Sandcastle, is much more difficult than people realise. Which is why I thought it would be a good idea to share some of my vast knowledge with you all.
I've put this rather complicated procedure into simple terms, and have included some of my own helpful tips, where appropriate.... So without futher ado, let us begin...
Necessary Tools:
One Plastic Bucket in the shape of a castle.. one Plastic Spade.. and a selection of Silly Flags. There are more tools that would also be helpful, but I will deal with those later in the lesson.
Location:
The best location for sandcastle building is called a, "Beach" - This is normally found on a, "coastline"... These places are easily identifiable as they are full of the main construction material called, "Sand" and have a large expanse of water on front of them..This is known as the "Sea"
Another good Place to find "Sand" is in a desert - although it's recommended you supply your own water. Another drawback with building in the desert is the intense heat, so it's also recommended you take your own air conditioning system.. and of course a portable generator.... There is however, an easier and more cost effictive way of keeping cool in the desert... you take a car door with you... then if it gets too hot you simply wind the window down.
In the event you can't get to a beach or desert - you could try the local rock quarry.. although you will need to manufacture the sand yourself - so in addition to the Bucket.. Spade and Silly Flags, you will also need a good supply of Dynamite.. a set of ear protectors.. and of course a clean pair of underpants.
Obtaining Permission:
I am assuming you have already followed the most blatantly obvious requirement... and obtained planning the necessary permission from the local Town Hall for your chosen location .. and you will adhere to the health and safety requirements.
Preparation:
Now that we have the necessary tools and locations sorted out, lets deal with the actual preperation required
For this purpose we will assume we are on a sandy beach on the coastline, complete with the sea,
First of all you need to make sure the tide has gone out and there is some sand with which to work with.
WARNING !!!!! ..... If you attempt to build sandcastles with the tide in... it could result in severe drowning and also cause an unecessary burden on the taxpayer to fish your body from the water.... apart from that it could also make construction rather difficult.
Now obviously, if the sand is too dry, it will not stick together, and therefore it will be necessary for you to collect some of the sea in your bucket, transport it to the chosen construction site, and pour it onto the dry sand - it would be advisable to have a bag of cement handy to be on the safe side, as well as a portable cement mixer. These cement mixers are quite expensive to purchase, so it would be as well to plan ahead, and steal one from a building site the night before.
For larger developments it would be better to steal a twenty ton cement truck, and drive it onto the beach to your desired location, then simply tip the cement near your construction site and dump the truck in the sea.
Clearing The Beach:
Don't worry if the beach is a little crowded at the time, most people will move when they see you approaching with lights flashing and air horns sounding... You may find the odd rather obstinate person that refuses to move .. simply run them over and proceed to your chosen development.
And now for the part you've all been eagarly awaiting
CONSTRUCTION:
Ok Folks - now that we have the equipment, location, and preparation sorted out - we're ready to begin with the actual construction. Now Pay attention as this can get rather tricky.
Sandcastles can be built on hills or just on flat sand - for our purpose we'll build on flat sand for now - i'll deal with building on hills in the advanced course.
First of all we need a level piece of ground with no bumps or holes, now these aren't so easy to find as you may think so you may have to spend several hours flattening the ground.
HELPFUL TIP 1 : ... To make this task easier simply plan ahead and steal a bulldozer from that same building site the night before.
Now - kneel down on the beach.. then insert your plastic spade into the sand and transfer the sand into your bucket - continue doing this until the bucket is full.
HELPFUL TIP 2 : ... When you try to place more sand in the bucket and it falls out again... then its Full... which is the opposite of "Empty" ... and contains twice as much as if it were half full ... all clear ?? .... Good, we'll continue...
Once thats been acheived.. we must compress the sand down into the bucket... this is done by either slapping it with the palm of your hand - or beating the crap out of it with your plastic spade.
HELPFUL TIP 3 : ... It compresses easier if you strike it several times with a 14lb sledge hammer (this hammer can be "obtained" from the same building site as the you stole the mixer and Bulldozer from)
Once the sand has been compressed you will then need to place more sand into the bucket... then compress it again... keep doing this until either the sand won't compress anymore.. or the bucket breaks.
Let us assume, the bucket remained in tact, and the sand is fully compressed. We can now proceed with the next stage, which is a little more tricky and takes a lot of masturbating... errr mastering.
Place your hands either side of the bucket and lift it approximatly 15/16 ths of an inch from the ground.. (no need to be too exact) .. then carefully move one hand underneath it... Take a deep breath and make sure no one is looking.. then quickly flick the bucket upside down and slam it down onto the flat sand as hard as you can..... This acheived - all that remains for us to do is remove the bucket.
Ok - so now you have your bucket tipped upside down, and hopefully still full of sand, now take the spade, and tap lightly all the way around the bucket, then take the sledge hammer and give it a couple of light taps on the top (which is actually the bottom, but is now at the top.. which of course is at the opposite end from the bottom... it was formally called the top but isn't anymore as its the bottom -- all Clear ?? .... Excellent !!
Now comes the moment of truth ...The tension is building - you get the urge to masturbate... but you can't.... coz there are about 10 kids watching you ...
Anyway ... Place your hands on either side of the bucket... and slowly ease it upwards... higher and higher .. moving it faster and faster.... deeper and deeper.... yesss... yesssss.... yesssssssssss .... fucking yessssssssssss !!!!
Ahem !! - Sorry .. I was in a world of my own there for a while... now, you finally lift the bucket clear of the sand, and there you have it - a beautifully formed Sandcastle... You can then add the silly flags, to decorate your masterpiece of construction technology
Now wasn't that worth all the effort you put into it.... You're so pleased with the results you leap into the air... with both arms raised in triumph.... then you come back down...... and land right on top of the fucking thing !!!
Just as your lying face down screaming, and beating both hands on the sand, this guy appears in a uniform...... it seems he wants to ask you a few questions about some building site....
Ah well - you gave it your best shot.... Guess you couldn't do anymore.
I hope you all found that lesson useful, and sandcastle building will seem a whole lot easier this year..... If anyone has any questions, I'll be more than happy to answer them.
Cheers All
Dave
