Repugnant.
Withdrawn into the Wasteland.
Through the Looking Glass with purple Wallpaper.
Lies Alice in her Cups.
The Red Queen in her Corset conquers.
Intractable.
Sordid, Swampy Wasteland
Three flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
The Face of the Girl fell down.
The remaining Two flew Far on.
With never a Thought for the Crown.
In the Wasteland
Velnias sits.
Cross-legged, waiting for the Pair.
Fly or Fall
The One remains Quiescent.
---------------------------------------
Instant regret
I see a razor and I think of you wanting to
rip open my flesh and watch me scream.
Your laugh makes me want to rip open my throat.
I hate this incarnation; I am only happy when I'm gone,
but not truly because I know you will find your way back or I will find my way back to sentience
We all hate you but you won't go away...
Blessedly alone before madness
takes over and you take the fall.
You pass me by
and I contain my horrible anger for
when you do something nauseating.
You think you're hot, something special.
You wear your face like a mask, slippery-sweet.
How come I was the one slow in seeing through
------------------------
Suicide pact with an angel
Silky soft tresses, run through my fingers
Caressing your cheek
velvet downy fuzz, invisible unless it catches the light
so creamy pale and delicate
Black lashes dancing arcs, doorway to your dreams
Closed to me
Lay my head on your chest to feel your heart beat
slow
Tracing patterns of freckles
infinite
Floating in oblivion to the pattern of your breathing
suspended
timeless
Ephemeral moment
abiding the alarm
I heard you last night
you won't leave me
I hope you don't open your eyes
I want this image engraved on my retinas
not the other
Just in case
I'm savoring this juncture
I love you.
----------------------------
It doesn’t have to be like this
I don’t have to be like this
Lost in a maelstrom of conflicting emotions
with no way to win.
No answer that won’t hurt me
Or you
Or someone else.
I’ve been through the route
Of taking the easy way out
Until the ball inside me is so built up
I lash out
And make things worse than if I’d been honest and
Hurt you in the first place.
But telling you
Exactly how I feel
Is akin to stabbing myself in the heart
Over with a short sharp pain
But the guilt pools as the blood flows out around me.
And I’m never certain if you believe me.
Or if you think it’s just another one
Of the things I tend to say sometimes.
So right now, I’m in the middle ground.
I told you the way things were
And you didn’t believe me.
So now I vacillate
In my self-imposed exile.
Full of Guilt
And Fear
And Self-Loathing
That I can’t be what you need me to be
Nor can I be anything that makes me happy.
------------------------------------------
Apathy, Empathy, and Sugar Coated Lies
Mixed signals and misinterpretations
Just because I am kind does not mean I am in love/lust/substitute a word with you
Just because I cry when you won't does not mean I'm not secretly happy inside and when you call me out on that I get so scared but not for the reason you think.
Just because I allow your advances does not mean I approve inside.
Just because I'm nodding and otherwise reacting in all the right places and looking at you does not mean I'm actually listening. Sometimes I'm just daydreaming about the color of your eyes.
Just because I say I don't care doesn't mean it's always true. Though usually it is.
Just because I say I haven't finished that story yet or even come close, doesn't mean I haven't or I'm not. I'm just ashamed of what I've written and I want so badly for you to be proud of me and think I'm worth something.
Just because the Bar's in a month doesn't mean I'm studying. I'm not, much, I feel like I know it already and know I don't know it at all.
Just because I say I'll come out, doesn't mean I will. Sometime's it's so much better to sit here by myself, reading into the wee hours. That doesn't mean I don't care about you. And usually if you can coax me out, it turns out that was what I really needed.
Just because I'm writing this doesn't mean I have a point. But ya'll knew that by now.
Even though I'm an asshole, I hope you still realize how much you mean to me.
Even though you're far away, I still think of you often.
Even though it's late and I'm well into my second case of beer, I'm not drunk, nor will I be sleeping anytime before the light returns.
Even though I say these things, I don't necessarily believe them for true.
