Since my family and I have moved to Virginia I have become separated from them in a few ways. I have searched and searched for ways to reconnect with the ones I love. However to no avail...
My life it seems has become a farce of what it used to be. Love... from the person that matters to ME second only to one it seems has drifted so far away it will never be teathered again. My daughter is too young to be going through this. She is to naieve to understand what it is that is happening around her. I miss the warm embrace of my partner; the way she cuddles up next to me when she is sleeping. The way she smiles when she is truly happy. Even the moodiness she exudes when she first wakes up.
Although I have not been with a woman in almost a year now I dont feel that any other woman would suffice. She holds my heart in her hands. My soul is a part of her. She has taken posession of many of my firsts in life. The most precious to me I gave to her willingly.
I sit here at my desk wondering why I should go on... is it because of our daughter? Is it because there is still hope? Or is it just one more fantasy of mine that will never come true? She has broken my heart once. Since then it has never truly recovered. Parts of my body will never function the proper way again because of her. But she is not completely to blame. If I was more considerate and helpful with what she asks of me then I feel we would do better. Yet again the more I think about it the more I feel that karma is finally catching up to me.
If you read this and it seems to you that I am just whinning then you can go fuck yourself. I am alone now, no one to talk to. No one to hold me close and tell me it is going to be ok. No one to slap some sense into me and tell me to get on the ball. The only person that I feel can actually make a difference with my situation will not even talk to about it. I have ruined friendships of mine. I have distanced myself from my out of state family. I have distanced myself from all the people that matter to a normal person. Shit how am I ever really considered normal? I mean FUCK I hit things just to feel the pain. I went out and got a tatoo just so that I could feel the pain of a thousand pinpricks, AND I am going to do it again and again and again till I feel that it is working for me.
If I end up being forced to leave my house...I want all of my friends and family know that I love you and I will miss you. I will probably not see you or talk to you for quite some time. For some of you it will be in the next life.
I am going to go back to my music and cry some more. It helps clean my soul. It is infected with very negative emotions right now. Hate, Dispaire, Loathing, Fear, Distrust, and worst of all Emptiness. My heart is going cold for the second time in my life. This cold is almost like a bottomless abyss, I am falling with no teather. Someone please help me...
