I think about her every day, but somehow, this week is always harder. I'm not asking for your pity, or even your sympathy. I just need an escape for something I can NOT talk about.
Amber would have been 16 today. Sweet 16. An irreplaceable day in anyone's life. Sometimes I dream about her. And in my dreams, she's not a child. She is the young woman she would be today. It's always as if she's been here. Growing older, as do we all. There is so much running through my head, it's hard for my fingers to keep up, even tho I acually type pretty well. By the time I locate a complete thought strand, there's another in the background, already pushing the first one away.
She was born March 2, 1993. She died four days later, March 6th. At the same time as she was born. She had heart problems. Or rather, the lack of her lower left ventricle. We didn't know. Those four days felt like the longest four days of my life. Thinking back on all the details, waking up, hearing her try to cry, the drive to the clinic in Ruston, the drive to New Orleans, the drive home. Without her. All those days in the hospital. It feels like months. It remembers like months. And yet her life flew by so quickly. To be summed up in a few paragraphs, a few sympathy cards that I saved. The clothes she had been given. I gave away all the ones she hadn't worn yet. Still have the others. Of the ones I kept, her little sister wore all but the ones she wore in the hospital. Those are kept alone.
She was wide awake, alert, the day she was born. As if she knew her time was limited. She "talked". She watched you. She had dark wavy hair. A lot of it. Dark blue eyes.
The diaper she was wearing when she died had a lullaby on it.
Good night, sleep tight, little stars will see you,
night is here, baby dear, you must go to sleep too.
Irony? A sign of peace from God? An awful twist of fate? I never blamed God. I never got mad. Maybe I should have been mad at someone, but I had no energy left to be angry at anyone.
I've felt the same way again for the last month. Lost. Alone. Not because ppl don't care, but because i CHOOSE to want to be alone.
Found a sticker a couple days ago, said "some days all i want is to be a missing person"
Don't worry, I have to many responsibilities to make that dream come true. I won't run away
But to have the TIME to be able to close myself off from the world, to be alone, to TRULY vent for JUST a MOMENT. To be only with that ONE human who would let me.
I thought I would have someone to share this day with this year. But it didn't happen. And now... well, let's just say I'm unsure.
I may add more to this later, as i NEED to get my thoughts out. But for now, I'm ok. Really. Just don't ask me about it. Don't try to talk to me about it. Just let me be.... me.
