i just had my first cigarette in 41 days.
my initial reaction is ew it tastes bad, my secondary reaction is omg i cant breathe.
i'm not sure yet if i will keep smoking or if i will stay quit. with that being said i know there are a lot of people out there who will be disappointed in me.
but, let me say this. i know now for sure that it is possible. takes some hard work, but after about the first two weeks becomes second nature and doesnt take a lot of effort. i know now that next time, i need to get a lot more support than i had this time around. i need to work on calling people when i have cravings, and when i have strong feelings (stress, boredom, anger) how very important it is to talk them out. in short i know i need people a lot more. i know what will work next time. and there will be a next time.
as for right now, i'm really struggling. i've been in a depression that's so bad my feelings have actually shut off. for those of you unaware this is known in the psych world as dissociation. however i'm not just doing in it response to unpleasant events. i'm doing it all the fucking time. last night was so bad. i blew up at my boyfriend and my best friend and cut them both off and i didn't feel a thing. not sad, not angry, nothing. and then i did something i havent done in ten months and i thought i would never do again.
i cut myself.
just a tiny little cut. but boy after i did it, it released a flood of emotion like nothing i've ever felt before. i haven't cried like that in years.
so this. my friends, tells me something is really wrong. i've been faking it all this time when really i'm desperately sick and badly in need of help.
i'm not going to the hospital this time. the function of the hospital is to keep me safe. i dont feel i'm in danger of suicide. i do think i'm in need of a possible medication change (i see my dr on monday) and some serious therapy. i think i'm also in need of expanding my support network, which means going to more meetings and probably getting a part time job.
and for now, probably smoking.
when things calm down a little... when i'm a little healthier... when i have the support system and the coping skills in place that i need to stay stable... then i'll quit again and stick with it.
for now, i have to take care of me. and if that means some unhealthy coping skills, for the time being i'm willing to accept that. i don't want to end up back in the hospital or worse, much worse, dead by my own hand. so i'm taking some steps back to try to recover what was lost.
i hope you understand.
