I truly beleive i need my head examined. I have been so starved for romance and affection that i let my emotions play me for a fool. men are evil. Silver tounged devils. I watched a movie, Pride and predjudice today. It's a few years old...but i had never seen nonetheless. I truely beleive things are the same as they were 200+ years ago..probably for thousands of years. Women pining for a romantic man..wanting to be consumed my never ending life enveloping love and angst,...so much so that we end up compromising ourselves just for a hint of affection. Like anyman that comes along and pays us the least bit of attention deserves whatever he wants. I was certain i could be different...guard myself from th epain and bullshit. But i am trapped in a loveless sexless affection free marriage to a man i distain and detest most days... and letting my emotions get wrapped up in some man i barely know just because of a few kinds words he bestowed upon me. And what for??? To look like a foolish silly girl. To be cheated on..mentally and physially abused..and led on by the idea of something that never really was.
For god's sake Lucinda...wake up!!! I am almost 30 years old..and what do i have to show for my life..???...years spent wasted pining for romance..and a perfect true love. I have the battle wounds to show for 3 men who broke my heart...my 3 beautifull children...whom are my world. th eapples of my eye..I would like to be able to tell you that that is enough. Some days it is..they are enough to occupy my trobled mind and soul..heal the pain of my broken heart... They are there foe me just as much as i for them. I am isolated in a world of diapers and litterboxes... and they are the only ones to dry my tears of despair and lonliness . It is truly a sad situation i have put us all in..and for what?
ROMANCE!!!!!??? I SWEAR I WANNA SHOOT THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO INVENTED THE IDEA!!!!
What a joke. I think the youth of today..in all their promiscuity have the right idea. I wish i could casually sleep w/someone and feel like it fills the void in my psychee. But sex usually winds up getting in more trouble thatn its worth. But alas..i cannot disconnect sex from emotional.mental attchment..and foolishly fall for the person i give myself to. God i am a joke. I am a walkin cliche of ideas and ideosynchracies... a walking time bomb set to self destruct.
Maybe i am getting what i deserve for being such a foolish girl, For holding on the the romanticcly love starved girl i walled inside myself. the one who grew up starved for attention w. an absent working mother and an emotionally disconnected stepfather.
all i wanted/want in life is for a man to be completely over the moon for me....the package doesnt even really matter all that much to me..i am not looking for mr.universe and a teddy bear all wrapped in one.. i am no idiot..i know what reality is. And for that matter..an adonnis dosn't appeal to me all that much... imperfection is way hotter to me. Maybe thats what gets me into theses prediciaments.
all i know is iam sooo tired,...tired of settleing..tired of listing to some asshole talk to me like i am some peice of trash... tired of being led on..of being lied to ..... of waiting for a ship that i am sure now will never come in. i am just tired period.
I am blogging here now because i feel like whats the difference anyway..i dont care who reads this amymore..i just need a forum to get things off my chest..to unload...to breathe.
...just breath...
..as i bid adeue... i leave you with the lyrics of a song that i feel describes my current complaintness....
.... i was stealing kisses from a boy... now i am begging affection from a man... standing here in my ..housedress..don't you know who i am am?...don't you know who i am??...I'm standing in your kitchen....stealing kisses
