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A story of a fren on FB....ahahahahahahah
...after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two pet lizards. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mum!" I was equally curious. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I asked my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a friggin sign inside their cage?" she snapped.
"they were supposed to be two boys!", "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me sarcastically.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of lizzard birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I sighed.. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." *more fucking sarcasm* "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent,absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my smartarse vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ."
"shutup already, enough," I yelled. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh hon, you have NO idea," my wife says to my son, collapsing back into her seat with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's dick : Priceless!
Remember Kiddies : Lizards lay eggs!
