269303's blog: ": Rodney Dangerfield…We Miss Him!"

Subject: The Italian Bride Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was a Virgin. Also, neither she, nor her family knew that her new husband was missing some toes on one of his feet. On the wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured the daughter; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta." When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy Legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his Pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot, she saw that he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta!”

“My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.” ”It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.” ”My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, ‘Did you see the guy that did it?’ She said, ‘No, but I got the license plate.’" ”Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.” “My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.” “The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked, ‘Why?’ He said, "because you came home early.’" ”A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There's nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!” ”A hooker once told me she had a headache.” ”I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.” ”If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.” ”I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’" “I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.” ”I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.” ”I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.” “My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.” ”My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.” “My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.” ”I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.” ”I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.” “At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.” ”I went to see my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I’d had this before. I said ‘yes’. He said, ‘well you got it again!’”