Once again I am brokenhearted. Once again I let myself believe in that oh so magical fairytale. So here is my story for the week.
Wednesday was the first I had seen my now ex in a couple of weeks and of course you know how that goes. He leaves goes to class comes over the next day and boom he drops the ball. Presents me with a Dear Jane letter on professional paper, all typed up and in a protective cover. All tied up two days before Valentines day with a box of chocolates and a bottle of body lotion from Victoria's Secret.
Thursday he sends me another letter stating something different that he will always be in love with me and waiting.
Friday I just sleep and cry. Trying to figure out what he is doing. Confused and heartbroken. Three weeks before this he is telling me to look for us a bigger place for me and my son and him to move in together. To finish figuring out what kind of wedding I want to pick it all out, whatever I want.
Saturday he tells me he is has been seeing someone since Christmas. She knew about me and I think that is just nice we all worked together. He told me she wouldn't have anything to do with him "that way" unless I was out of the pic. But they were still going out on dates...hello still wrong!!!!! He was lying to me for almost three months and what I can't understand is where this all gets very bizarre.
He didn't want to give me my key back, or me to give him mine to his house, he wouldn't take his clothes from my house and didn't want me to remove mine from his house. Then he tells me he still wants to hang out and other things. OMG!!!
He is confusing the hell out of me.
So I go to his house tonight to do the SWAP and he insists on hugging me I back away with tears in my eyes and cringe at the thought of him touching me let alone wanting to hug me. He tries to touch my hair and hold my hand. WTF!!!
Can anyone understand this SHIT!!!!!!!!
I have been on both sides of the cheaters fence.
One guilt kills you and the other you are blind-sided with heart ache and sorrow shock and confusion. The guilty seems to heal faster, but the other you end up with thoughts about your self-worth and damn it hurts.
He says he never meant for it to happen, but do we ever mean to cheat? Do we ever really mean to hurt the one we love? Or claim to love?
I know when I felt a fondness grow with someone else I tried to make sure it was only friends and it would end up just that way but two times in past relationships I was a cheater, and maybe this is my karma and I deserve it, that much I can accept.
In the back of my mind I think, I don't deserve being lied to. I can't stand being lied to, and honestly I don't think any of us can. Lying to me is the absolute worst thing you can do to me. I literally see red. Okay so he was cheating, coupled with lying to me I am so....
I'm an honest person, and sometimes to my own detriment. I am accused of being rude or callous, but you ask my opinion I'm not gonna lie to you. After the last two screw ups if I want to move on, then I tell ya and we part.
In my confusion the thought dawns on me that I am nothing more than a "good time girl", and he wants to hang on in the event this new one doesn't pan out.
I love him but you know what I love myself a hell of a lot and know that I am worth/deserve to be treated better than that.
