Before you read this, please do not let your opinions get in the way, nor do I ask for your pity, because that ship has sailed and it’s not going to change my or anyone’s past.
I just read an amazing blog. Some of you know which one im talking about, most of you probably could care less, but it was an insight to a horrible time, basically a life most people could never fathom. After reading it, I ask myself, “What would you have done?” Well, I can’t answer that question, because I cannot put words to the pain, sorrow, guilt, and hatred that was brought and forced upon a family and more importantly one strong individual. I have such respect for her and will do whatever I can, to the best of my abilities, to be there for her whenever called upon.
I myself have been through some extreme things in my life but they cannot and will never compare, because the deal with different people, different societies, different ways of life. It’s an action, one result that booms echoed pains through our lives. Most people can’t stand themselves enough to cope with this kind of disaster. It’s the ones, like her, that are strong, and eventually find themselves and pull through when times are the hardest. I know my event wasn’t near as graphic, nor did it involve as many people, but it’s my life and for the first time I would like to go deeper into my story and the things that eat me alive to this very day.
My life started just like most lives starts, I came out of my mother, but that’s just when it’s no longer normal. My mother had very religiously strict parents, and getting pregnant in high school brought on loads of ridicule from the rest of her family. I was born just under 2 weeks after she had turned 18, right in the middle of her senior year. Yeah some of you are saying, “Well girls now a days are having babies at 14 and 15.” Well I don’t give a fuck about Now, this was 21 years ago, shit was different. Continuing, my father, biologically, had left my mother by this time and her family was threatening to disown her unless she “took care” of me. I was then put up for adoption.
8 months had gone by, and I had a family. I began my life with these people to young to really know what was going on around me, and not realizing that they were not my true family. Everything went fine until I was about to start school. My mother decided she wanted to try the mother thing out. You could imagine the torment and confusion that toyed with my young mind. Going between houses, constantly moving, changing schools; I was so nieve to believe I was actually happy. Everything began to take its toll, with no older siblings, no true friends, and not the slightest idea of a true parent. I felt worthless. I would constantly ask myself, “Where has my mom been?” It started a deep hole inside that will never be completely filled.
A year or so passed after school started and my mom was still going through boyfriend after boyfriend, but those are memories only one other soul knows about and I’m going to keep it that way for a while. I hit the second grade and again my mom couldn’t take it and gave me up again. I was so confused, and this is when the torment at school really started.
I was the kid everyone picked on, the one everyone avoided, and did what they could to make me feel like shit. I would do my best to just block out school until I got home, but that had changed as well. I was in a place that I had called home, but in all reality it was a house of pain in every sense of the word. I was avoided by even my “father”, and when he did show me attention it wasn’t what I would wish on any kid. I had landed myself with an abusive alcoholic for a “father.”
But I wasn’t alone, I had a younger sister and bother to watch out for. My sister was handicapped and most of the time couldn’t control her actions and that ment getting into a lot of things. Since my “father” didn’t care about anything except his next drink it was my job to take care of them. If they ever got into anything or in trouble I was the one to pay for it. I would already get beat for just being around, let alone if someone got into trouble. I was too young to fight back but I had to take it, because of the sheer terror I would see in my brother’s eyes. Being treated like that tore me apart even more inside and built resentment for the things he did, and too this day I will not tolerate anyone treating another human being for that very reason. I know the damage it does mentally more that physically.
This continued year after year, day after day. I tried my best to keep my head up but then middle school hit. Popularity became the thing at school and I was ridiculed more and more for my looks (birthmark oh right cheek) and the fact that I was a loner. That wasn’t my true dilemma. My mother, who had disappeared for almost 10 years, decided to just jump back into my life, so the few friends I had quickly forgot who I was and I was alone again going back and forth between houses and schools.
My best friend for all those years moved away at the same time and it really hit me that I was going to be alone. I fell into my first real deep depression, but no one really noticed me enough to know the difference. This was also the time when I FOUND my aunt. I went over there, because that is where my mom normally dished me off to so she wouldn’t have to worry about me. I walked into the house and I couldn’t find my aunt. I went downstairs to find her hanging; I froze then went and hid in a closet. I don’t know how much longer it was before my uncle came home, but before I could get a word out….
Sorry but I can’t finish this, I’m too overwhelmed with emotions. I will continue another day, but I will end this with a line from some old writing.
“With tears streaming from my swelled, red eyes, I feel my soul leave my body with each moment the sun sets.”
