Piney's blog: "Redneck Reconings"

These Arkansas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists: 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken fried steak. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The salvation army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. 31. You actually have a webpage /Redneck/index.html on your website. 32. You click on the link in #31 more than ten times. 33. You join Yuwie for information on improving your hog calling skills.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if .... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!) You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale". You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding". You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink". You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"