Cinged Crow's blog: "Randomness"

Basically everyone knows what fractals are. We may not know the EXACT definition but we know it applies to twisting and warping colors into other colors, causing designs in the twists and turns. Example below:



Whether certain images are intended is not known but there are definite patterns and pictures in the blend. Now on to the point of this blog in particular. Why do I think about fractals a lot? Because I often feel just like one. Like my life was made from a little of this...a little of that. Then taken and mixed and blended to form something much more than meets the eye.

To the person who just takes a glance they see the obvious things. Height, weight, hair color, etc. To the person who stops and takes a closer look there are designs, ideas, thoughts, emotions, SUBSTANCE to what they see because they take the time to see it.

Those are the people I enjoy meeting. People who actually WANT to take the time to see what lies underneath it all. Those are the people one can never forget. Those are the kinds of people who often see things in you that you do not.

They see beauty in randomness. They see it in irregularity. They see it in something that makes no sense to someone else. They see it in mis-shapen, out of sorts, disheveled, crooked, warped lines. That is where all this ties in. The people that see the beauty in ME despite all the things I mentioned above. Why can they see those things in me? I guess, because they love me. For whatever reason. They see past all the flaws, mistakes, fuck-ups...WHATEVER...to see what lies underneath. The part of me that that was taken and twisted and warped into something...beautiful. I wish I could see myself the way they do.

But everyone's view of a fractal is different.

Moved to Stories

I know somehow we all get triptophan enduced comas during this time of year but let us not forget what is most important. The actual thankfulness of the holiday. We gather to spend time with the ones we love, enjoy the time we have with them and to be THANKFUL for things in our life. I know what I am thankful for. I am thankful for God and his overwhelming strength, love, and support on those days when I seem to find life most difficult. I am thankful for the REAL friends that I have. Those who actually show concern for my life and what might be going on in it. I am thankful for my mother. Who is stronger than I will ever be. I aspire to be like her. Or at least become half the woman she is. I am thankful for my children who even though they make me want to pull my hair out give me more hugs and kisses each day than i could ever yearn for. I am thankful for the quick little "I love you mommy" moments. I am thankful for their smiles, laughs and silly antics. I am thankful for the food, shelter, and simple pleasures in life that I have when there arer a lot who don't even have that. I am thankful to be alive to enjoy everything I just listed. And yes I am even thankful for my kids' dad who without him my children would not be who they are... I look back at this holiday past. Remembering things. Sometimes I regret things could not have been different. Last year was great. I got to meet a wonderful person for the first time ever. He was sweet and caring. Some things just change and life moves forward. I wish him the best in everything he tries to do. I wish him happiness with the one who now has his heart. I hope they accomplish things that he and I could not. I hope their life together is so wonderful that they can't begin to understand why. Have A Happy Triptophan Day everyone!!!

Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Ok so I al taking a nap while the girls are at school Weds. October 25, 2006. Sleeping soundly waiting for the alarm to go off and tell me they will be home soon. I got woken up with such a start that I almost flew off of the couch. ThenI realized what I THOUGHT it was. Ok time to use the phone. Call mom. Get griped at for not calling 911 FIRST. Hang up. Call 911. Tell them what I think has happened. Fire Dept gets here starts taking vitals. Ambulance shows up. They take more vitals. Load me into the ambulance. Mom shows up before I leave. "Mom stay and get the girls off the bus!!" Ride to hospital. Get into Er and IV'd with oxygen. Have blood drawn. Mom shows up w/ girls in tow while very worried about mommy. Wait for rep to show up. Device interrogation. Confirms what I thought Defib fire at exactly 12:15 pm. Reason for fire? Heart rate 255 bpm. WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! Find out if device not placed....would be DEAD!! WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! again. Get checked out all seems fine other than that. See cardiologist next afternoon. Says heart sounds excellent. Better than ever. Stands there scratching head. Doesn't understand. Schedules more tests for Friday Nov 2, 2006. Results forthcoming. Sunday Oct. 29th, 2006. Clumsy ass falls in kitchen spraining right wrist, right knee, and right ankle. Gee isn't my life exciting?

Bright blue eyes that sparkle, So much they seem to shine. They hold tons of emotions. These eyes are mine. They are very deceiving, These eyes that I see. How do I know this? I told you, they belong to me. They are 2 shades of blue, With small flecks of green. Those are the obvious things, The rest can't be seen. The tears kept captive, You can't see all the pain. It does not always work, They have fallen like rain. Sometimes out of joy, Mostly for sadness it seems. Emotions are like roller coasters, Holding on tight sometimes you scream. They say the eyes are windows, To the deepest things in your soul. Will you ever see what I see? If you look long enough tell me, What you think you know.

At one point in my life my home was called a domestic zoo due to the amount of animals I had. At the time there was myself, my Boxer/Sheppard mix male, my female Rotty, 2 Teddy Bear hamsters, a regular hamster, 13 fish, a Ginuea Pig, and a Dwarf Rabbit. It was a bit of work to take care of them all but it was worth it. The only thing they desired was food, clean bedding/being walked, water, and love. Never did they complain about anything. They didn't critique anything about me. As long as I provided them with their necessities they were happy. The difference between animals and humans is that humans don't know when to shut the hell up. They constantly stick their feet in their mouths (and not in a joyous toe sucking way). They are too busy pointing fingers. Throwing stones while living in glass houses themselves. People like that should automatically hear a recording when they open their mouth to spew forth more stupidity. Something to tell them they are not better than another person. In the end we are equal. Earthly possessions mean dick and their opinion means less. Follow the example given by animals. Enjoy the small things in life. Revel in them. Be kind when someone is kind to you, etc. Because at some point someone is going to tell you to sit the fuck down & shut the fuck up. Sit UBU sit, good dog.

If you read the blog entitled "The Heart Truth" you will find information about heart disease in women. You really should read it to see if it may help you or someone you know. Now I should robably explain why it was so important for me, personally, to share this information. My children were born 6-3-03 and I began to get extremely ill when they were about 3 weeks old. Doctors couldn't figure out what it was until one night I went to the ER because my feet and legs were swollen to 3 times their normal size, I couldn't lay down, and I damn sure couldn't breathe. They did several tests and discovered my lungs were full of fluid and my heart was surrounded by it. Then several cardiologists came into my room and sasid I have congestive heart failure...I said WTF is THAT???? They said your heart isn't working right we want to do more tests. They did more tests after putting me on lasix (water pills they make you pee A LOT). They discovered my heart was EXTREMELY enlarged and weak. A normal hearts ejection fraction is 55-70%...mine is 15% which they determined after an Echo (echocardiogram which is a sonogram of your heart). Then they did a heart cath and found that my heart was PERFECTLY healthy (no blockage or narrowing of the arteries). AWESOME NEWS!!!!!!! After everything they did they determined that my heart is the way it is from being pregnant, nothing more. So they put me on what seems like a million meds to try and compensate for what my heart can not do on it's own. Then they come to me almost 1 year later and say we have been waiting on research to prove that an ICD (Implantble cadiac difibrilator) would do someone with your condition some good...IT CAME THROUGH and it may save your life one day I said DO IT!!!!!!!!!!! So I have had that for a little over 2 years. My most recent visit to the cardiologist provided some wonderful news. He said my heart sounds better that it has ever sounded before!!! I wanted to jump up and down. In fact, after I walked out of the office I did. I stood there in the parking lot jumping up and down screaming "THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU" For everything that has happened to me in the last three years could never be completely contained in a blog it may be hard for you to understand why such a simple statement could bring such excitement. I don't share my story for pity or sympathy, I share my story because maybe some little piece of information may help you or someone you know. And to show that TRULLY Through God all things are possible and it is without a doubt that if He brings you to it He will bring you THROUGH IT!!! Much Love, Daddy's Girl

I must admit that their very first day was hard for me. It was hard for me to accept that they were so willing to leave me afer 3 years of having them around every day. I was so lost without them that I actually went to my mom's job and helped her work (lol). But the lonliness I experienced while they were gone soon disappeared as I heard the bus pull up to drop them off. They got off the bus screaming "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!!" To know that they were even happier to see me than they were to leave warmed my heart like nothing else could. They missed me and we glad to be back. Just one more of many signs that they love me. Sure being a single mother to 3 year old twins is a hard job, but to see their faces light up when they see me walk out to get them makes it worth while. It lets me know I am doing something right. They have been in school for a month now and already we have gone through their first fundraiser (they each raised over 100 dollars which is pretty good for a 3 year old lol), their very first field trip, and school pictures. I can tell they are growing by leaps and bounds when it comes to socializing and language development (they talk like little adults lol). I get so excited when the bus comes to help them understand how very important school is. I go for parent teacher conferences on the 26th and 27th to pick up their "report cards" and see how well their teachers think they are doing (yes they are in seperate classes), and I know how protective I am so if the teacher has something bad to say I may be catching an assault charge lol JUST KIDDING!!! Much Love to you all, Daddy's Girl

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will." Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God answered, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed." "You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."