Euphoric Decadence's blog: "random writings"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season" Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to criticize, Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason 'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands And breathe... just breathe, In May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss Just a day he said down to the flask in his fist, "Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year." Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while, But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles, Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it. Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, boys, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe... just breathe, There's a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again If you only try turning around. 2 AM and I'm still awake writing a song. If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand. and breathe, just breathe woah breathe, just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe.

think i'm going for a walk now feel a little unsteady noone will follow me except maybe you i can make you happy if you weren't already i can do a lot of things and i do tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you too bad you had to have better half she's not really my type but i think you two are forever and i hate to say it but you're perfect together so fuck you and your untouchable face fuck you for existing in the first place and who am i that i should be vying for your touch said who am i bet you can't even tell me that much two thirty in the morning and my gas tank will be empty soon neon sign on the horizon rubbing elbows with the moon a safe haven of sleepless where the deep fryer is always on radio is counting down top 20 country songs and out on the porch the flystrip waving like a flag in the wind y'know i don't look forward to seeing you again you'll look like a photograph of yourself taken from far far away and i won't know what to do and i won't know what to say except fuck you and your untouchable face fuck you for existing in the first place and who am i that i should be vying for your touch who am i i bet you can't even tell me that much i see you and i'm so perplexed what was i thinking what will i think of next where can i hide in the back room there's a lamp that hangs over the pool table when the fan is on it swings gently side to side as a changing constellation of balls as we are playing see orion and say nothing the only thing i can think of saying is fuck you and your untoucheable face fuck you for existing in the first place and who am i that i should be vying for your touch who am i i bet you can't even tell me that much who am i i bet you can't even tell me that much said who am i somebody atleast tell me that much

sky is grey the sand is grey and the ocean is grey and i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome alone in my way i smoke and i drink and everytime i blink i have a tiny dream but as bad as i am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem what kind of paradise am i looking for i've got everything i want still i want more maybe some tiny shiny thing will wash up on the shore you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv you penetrate me and my little pink heart is on it's little brown raft floating out to sea and what can i say but i'm wired this way and you're wired to me and what can ido but wallow in you unintentionally what kind of paradise am i looking for i've got everything i want still i want more maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore regretfully i guess i've got three simple things to say why me why this now why this way with overtones ringing undertows pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand that is grey by an ocean that's grey what kind of paradise am i looking for i've got everything i want and still i want more maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore **in the version of the song i prefer to hear she speaks at the end and i think it suits with the song quite well.... maybe it just suits with how i feel when i hear it... idk. but she says....** ((sorry i'm feeling um.... unfocused still. and the problem is meeee))

I sit here alone tonight and wonder. Why so cold? Why so alone? Why so trapped? And most of all where did I go so wrong? At this point I can’t help but wonder if things will always look this bleak for me. I feel that I’ve thoroughly fucked off every decent break or step-up I’ve ever had in my life. Truth be told, I nearly have. All I really want is to be able to feel like I’m doing the best possible with what I’ve been given. The cold I think is mostly the effect of presenting such an uncaring façade for so long. Casual relationships in any capacity absolutely drain me. It’s much easier to go through life an utter bitch than to deal with the feelings of people I may or may not ever see again. I just haven’t the expendable energy for acquaintances. I suppose the flip-side to this coin is that while it may take a while to crack the shell, once you get me to befriend you, it lasts a lifetime. I also suppose it’s possible that I’m getting more skilled at discerning who is worth befriending earlier on in the relationship. It’s all what you make of it I guess. The solitude was, for a very long time, a necessity for me. Mostly because of my inability to cope with drama in my life. I’ve created so much of it for myself unknowingly that I just don’t have the capacity to take on more from the outside. Maybe even I’m somewhat sub-par in my interpersonal skills, which is entirely possible. Dealing with myself all my life has often been more than I could handle. Including others in my life has often been an impossible task. Again, the b-side to the scenario is that I am very capable and self-reliant where I see so many others that aren’t. It’s also likely that I’ve not been through the torment that many relationships seem to inflict. Feeling trapped, I think, is likely me learning my old ways may not be the best solutions. As I age, growing in maturity and wisdom, it appears there may be other means of handling things. Breaking a years old habit in search of a new solution isn’t always particularly easy and often leaves me feeling trapped in an old behavior while I’m working to adopt a new one. Finding I couldn’t make the transitions completely independent has been humbling and often times leaves me feeling more entrapped than making my own uneducated decisions ever could. I’m not sure there’s a shred of positivity to be found in this aspect. Maybe, and only maybe it could be an ability to stand strong in the face of adversity. On the grounds that if one can stand against oneself successfully, then one can stand against anything. I’ve gone wrong at nearly every juncture in my life that I haven’t had a clear-cut choice to make. It seems as though this is nothing more than me trying to protect myself from everything that intimidates or scares me; the things I know I can’t handle, the things I can’t accept, and the things too far beyond my comprehension to even attempt to concern myself with. Needing to be isolated and alone within myself has very likely driven me into this whole I now struggle to climb out of. Not knowing what to do with myself and being too scared and far too proud to seek instruction or assistance is most likely my biggest downfall. Some of my introspection is helping me and I’m hoping that’s the case at the moment. That’s why I’m even saving this little dissertation to myself. Reminding myself that I’m taking the right steps. I’m beginning to put the pieces that are me back into one. I know I have made steps, but sometimes the going is so slow and the steps are so small that I forget they have happened. I must remind myself I’m strong and capable and if I could handle everything life has thrown at me thus far then I can surely handle the integration of mind it will take to propel me to a new height and a new standard of life. I can exist in my way but I can excel with the proper guidance and introspection. I’m taking steps. Small ones, but nevertheless they exist and I am doing my very best to not look back and to be proud of where I am at this moment.

Intrigue me. Capture my attention. Enthrall me. Render me breathless. Consume me. Claim my heart. Control me. Need me to please you. Complete me. Join your soul with mine. Deceive me. Make me believe forever. Confuse me. Push me away. Destroy me. Throw away my love. Release me. Leave me to my pain. Forget me. Return to whom you belong.

Why does it seem that love drives everyone to become so jaded? Love is supposed to sweep us off our feet and keep our heads in the clouds. I mean sure we have that of course at first...... but then it seems like there's the deal breakers and the emotional tests. Why? Why do we do that to one another? The butterflies may still be there in our stomachs.... but we have to throw wrenches into the works. Can't that first flutter in the tummy just last? Why do we have to start questioning the minute details of the relationship? Love is just acceptance..... it shouldn't be conditional. Are we scared of that heartbreak? Is that why we over analyze and create deal breakers and the tests? Is that why we throw wrenches into things? What is there to be afraid of? Surely we learn through it no matter the situation....... Let's throw away the cynicism and the lackadasiacal behavior and fling ourselves ready and willing into love! Let's give and give and give ourselves without worrying about the return. If each of us were to jump in and give it our all how could it not work?

I want to give myself until I have nothing left to give...... and I want you to want to do the same. I have so MUCH to give!! I have honesty, trust, respect, support, and many more things none so important as love to give to you. I want to see you throw yourself into me as I throw myself into you. You are amazing and wonderful and you deserve the whole world. I want to be the one to give you everything you want and need forever. I put you in front of everything in my life. I would do for you before I do for me. I need you. I know I fall short of the woman in your dreams. I want to become the woman you dream of. I want to know every little thing you need so I can give it to you. I want you to show me you..... every bit of you..... everything inside. I want us to spend forever learning each other! While yes I do have so much to give, I have needs and desires too. I need you to always be honest with me. I need you to trust my integrity. I need you to respect my feelings. I need you to support my beliefs and decisions. You don't have to agree, just support me. I want to talk and compromise and plan. I know this is going to take work. I am willing to give 100% to make everything work. I need you to give the same though. Can you do that? Do you want to do that? I need to know if these are things that can be overcome. I need to know if you feel the same as I do. I need us to sit down and go over and over and over everything possible until we know it in every direction. This is love and making love work to me. Can you do this?

He knows me so very well. He knows just exactly how to please me no matter what it is I want. Sexually, he is my only equal. Both of us being the variant sexual creatures that we are, we require an abundant diversity of fantasies and control scenarios. I knew the instant I received his text message that tonight was going to be an incredible evening. “tix 2 concert. 2nite. u in skirt and stockings.” He was only going to be at work for about another hour. Immediately I got dressed. Not knowing what the night held, I hardly wanted to risk being late or irritating his impatience. I rummaged through my lingerie drawer looking for the perfect pair of stockings. Finding them, I slipped into sheer black, backseamed stockings and my black garter belt. Underneath I had donned a pair of white, very delicate lace panties. Checking the clock, I realized I needed to hurry just a little. As I pulled my sexiest skirt out of my closet an idea hit me. Standing in front of my bathroom mirror, I took a few photos of myself on my camera phone. First I just stood in skirt and stockings, letting my garter belt peek slightly. Next I hiked my skirt a bit to reveal just a hint of my panties. Then I turned around and bent over flipping my skirt up to reveal my barely panty clad ass. Finally I stood over the phone, straddling it, and snapped one of my already moistening pussy showing through the delicate lace of my panties. I was done. Without pausing a bit I sent out four picture text messages, in the specific order I had taken them. Checking the clock I applauded my timing as I knew he would be on the drive home. I knew those teasing photos would drive him absolutely wild. More likely than not they would increase the pleasure of the evening. He does love to be teased. I hurried myself into the bathroom and finished with my hair and makeup. No sooner then I had finished, I heard him coming in the door. Perfect! There would be no time to fool around now if we were going to make the show. I knew my plan had worked by the look in his eyes. Keeping my distance from his ever-wandering hands I watched him change clothes. Already it was time to go. As he backed the car out of the driveway I had yet another wicked idea. It was a fairly short drive to the show. While he drove us down the street I reached across into his lap. Not surprisingly his ample cock was already rock hard. I stroked it lightly for just a minute and stopped abruptly. At the next stoplight he looked at me with that wicked look in his eyes and reached for me. Pulling me to him by the hair, he kissed me fiercely before the light change. Already we were almost there. Excitement and sexual tension filled the car between the two of us. This was going to be a night to remember. Driving into the parking garage, he parked us in the first available space. We were both nearly ready to go at it in the backseat. I could tell he had a plan though, so the idea of crawling into the back seat was just as well laid to rest. He shut the car off and before I could reach for my door handle he had one hand up my skirt. Grabbing the crotch of my panties he gave them a forceful yank. I felt the material around my wet pussy tear at his brutal grip. Oh god I could hardly wait to see what more was in store. He then climbed out of the car and came around to open my door, telling me not to remove my now crotchless panties. As we entered the venue and took our seats I couldn’t help but get more aroused by the thought of my sexy lace panties being torn apart. I was ready for him to take me then and there. We looked around and found our seats. The seats were fairly good, providing a full view of the stage. As the show began I tried to concentrate on the stage but realized all I could think about was his rock hard cock in his pants right next to me. As I made my way to his prick with one hand I realized he was reaching for me. Just as my hand came to rest on his throbbing cock he thrust a finger deep into my hot and willing pussy. I tried to stifle my moan but nobody would have heard it anyway. He pushed his finger deep into me several times, then pulled it out. Looking at him in disappointment I realized I had no reason. He put his finger to my lips and made me taste myself. As I licked his finger I began to pump his shaft through the material of his pants. He tasted his finger and took it back down under my skirt to slam it back inside me. It was all becoming clear to me what he wanted. He leaned over and bit my ear, growling “unzip me” in it as he did. Gladly I obliged him only to find that he wasn’t wearing any kind of underwear. His cock practically sprang from his fly. As I grasped it firmly I marveled at just how rock hard he was. All this while with his fingers sliding in and out of my pussy had built up and I was already about to cum. Jacking him off with one hand I gripped the seat of my chair with the other, feeling an orgasm blooming inside me. Sensing how close I was he finger fucked me harder and faster, leaning over to kiss my neck and bite me along my shoulder. That was all it took to send me over the edge. My pussy contracted around his finger and I felt his cock jump in my hand. I bit my lip to keep from screaming out as each spasm tore through my hot pussy. I gripped his prick tighter now, jerking faster. If I had cum I wanted him to get off as well. We always share that. He pushed himself down in his chair a bit and I got a better grasp on his cock like I thought he wanted. I didn’t realize his plan for a moment until he was leaning to growl “ride me now” into my ear. He took my hand and pulled me over to him. Knowing how bad he needed me right now I wasted no time in straddling him reverse cowgirl style. I leaned forward and felt his hand on my ass as he guided his hard prick to my waiting wet pussy. Hitting his mark on the first try he removed his hand and I pushed him deep inside me with one swift motion. I rocked back and forth on his cock, swiveling my hips a bit. Already I was nearing my second orgasm. Judging by the feel of his cock inside me he wouldn’t be far behind if at all. I rocked faster and I heard him make a small grunt. That was the sign he was about to cum. So was I. Feeling my orgasm approaching I pushed myself down onto his cock as hard as I could and held there as the spasms shook me again, feeling him fill me up with his hot cum. Just then I realized even yet he was not done. He reached up and slid his finger in my mouth and I licked it thoroughly. When he found his finger suitably wet he took it from my mouth and made his way straight to my pulsing asshole. I groaned in pleasure as he pushed his finger deep into my back door. He knew just exactly what to do to me to make me scream. With his still hard cock inside my pussy I began to rock back and forth again this time with the finger in my ass. It was sheer pleasure feeling both my holes filled like that. Grabbing me by the hips he stopped my motion and eased me up off his prick. Immediately thereafter he removed his finger from my ass. I knew his cock was going to replace the finger and I was ready. Covered in both our cum, his big cock slid into me easily. I eased myself down onto him slowly swallowing his cock into my ass. Filling myself up with him I paused a minute to get used to my ass being so stretched. It wasn’t but a few seconds until I was rocking myself on his cock again. I love the feel of my ass full of cock. He had reached a hand around under my skirt to tease my clit with a finger and I was again ready to cum. As my body tightened up just before my orgasm he grabbed my hip with his free hand and pushed me to keep riding his cock. With one hand on my clit and the other on my hip rocking and pushing me I heard him groan again. We were going to cum again, both of us, probably together. The orgasm tore through my body with a force and I felt him shooting his hot load of cum deep into my ass. Sitting there in such a hot secret embrace I turned my head around to find his lips with mine. We kissed passionately. Shortly afterward I climbed off his now softening cock and we both readjusted our attire a bit. Looking at one another we shared a grin at what we had just done. Public sex is something we have both fantasized about for quite some time. I snuggled into his shoulder a bit and we spent the rest of the show enjoying the music and thinking about how hot our sex had been. I knew it wouldn’t be our last round of the night with something like that on our minds.