Bitter Dregs's blog: "Random Thoughts"

PTSD is a bitch. I had the first opportunity to get out of the house in months and it did'nt turn out well. Steve took his eyes off the road for a second and started veering toward a guard rail and that was all it took to send me into flashbacks and panic attacks. When I fell asleep after I got home I kept jolting awake with the flashbacks and my heart racing. Feels like electric worms are crawling through my veins. I went into a crying fit when we got home. Then of course the guilt for ruining steve's day hit. The fear that he won't want to deal with this anymore. I definately can't live in the mountains and have any kind of life. I have to make one more doctor appointment for the Fibro/MS meds and then I won't be leaving the house again until we move I think in the spring. I'm still shaking and it's been hours. What bugs me the most is the total lack of control. I'm kind of a control freak..not to others but I like to have control over my own mind and situations and I don't have that anymore. It's a messed up feeling. Hard to live with. I'm a very logical person and no logic will deal with this. I'm prey to my subconscious mind. I'd go to a shrink but to get there I'd have to drive through the mountains. I'd never make it. Much longer drive than I took today. They really need to have online shrinks. Could hook up a webcam for appointments, but I hav'nt found anyone willing to do that. The reason I left today was because if my grandson comes, I wanted to take pics of him gutting his first pumpkin LOL It made me brave my phobia...and I got the pumpkins...but payed for it. See when the Fibro/MS/nerve damage meet PTSD...it makes for an unfathomable mix of pain. I spent the past several hours, when not sleeping, wishing I could crawl out of my body. C'est la vie eh ?

Now my friend Pirahnahead is encouraging me to write down my thoughts as twisted as they might be. My thoughts upon going to bed and waking are always the same. My love affair with darkness. I suppose my sociaphobic hermetic ways are responsible for this development. I only feel completely at peace in the dark. The darkness does not judge. You don't have to be beautiful or thin or witty...it just accepts you as you are. At night no bill collectors call, nobody wants anything from you, nobody can hurt you. Even a prowler would need a light in order to hurt you. He could'nt see you in pitch black. ( ok barring infratech) At night all the minds shut down and you can breathe and be who you are. If you live underground like I do you can get the same effect during the day simply by banning the light. ( electricity). turn off the phone,unplug the doorbell. Light, both sun and electricity, is the most intrusive, invasive force in the universe. For me, peace can only be found in the darkness. I guess I'm screwed when I die. If what people say is true about the bright light and going toward it. I'll veer left for a much needed respite. Going from a lifetime of judgment to an eternity of judgment in the light is just not my idea of a good time. Darkness is tangible to me. It is peace and complete unconditional love. Light needs a source. Darkness is eternal. For those of you who would equate darkness with evil or satanism...go buy an IQ would ya ? LOL It's people like you I need to escape.