Bloodninja Mayhem's blog: "random stuffs"

So, I've had quite a lot of messages from people who've known me on Fu since my first account about 5-6years ago about where I've been and why I come back for a short period of time and vanish again without a goodbye.

I've had a lot of family issues, my partner has problems with his eyes and has required several lots of surgery over the past 18 months to try and save his eyesight (I think we are finally winning on that front!).  My grandparents were ill over Christmas and new year’s, ended up going into a care home and unfortunately we lost my granddad last month.  Dad is still in and out of hospital waiting for some major surgery which has been put back and delayed so many times now due to cut backs but hopefully that will happen for him soon enough.  

Then there’s me. Well, I'm in work most days when I can make it in, taken a few days off in the past several months but I come in as often as I can, perhaps pushing myself a bit too much some of the time.  I've been back and forth to doctors and specialists for a little while now.  I've got apparently unusual and rare blood readings, everything that was high is low and low was high in each test. They haven't ruled out anything unfortunately. I've got to be admitted to hospital for full scans of my ovaries, womb and pituitary glands to rule out a tumour and then I'll have 8hrs of being injected with various enzymes and having regular blood tests after each one to see how my body reacts. Hopefully after all that I will finally get some answers good or bad and start to find something to help with the symptoms.

I'm going to try and be happy,
Just try it out and see.
Cause being around all of you,
Has made me want to be.

There are days when there is nothing,
And my faith is out of sight.
But then there are days when I'm OK,
And i think i can see a light.

I'm going to make a change,
And live for those days.
Because happiness can be achieved,
If only you alter your ways.

I'm not saying I'll always be OK,
I'm not saying suicide has left my mind.
But at least I'm going to try,
Happiness and love i may find?

Thank you for all being here,
And showing you really care.
You've helped me make it through these days,
When i thought no-one was there.

They may see me
but not for who i am
they accept me
for the person i"ve shown

i may be funny energetic and strong
on the outside
but within
im shatterd like broken glass
torn to the edge
used to the bone

im slowly pushed out
they dont think im useful
and it hurts
i cant change who i am
but maybe of what you think of me

we were gonna be friends forever
but nothing lasts
people change......
you changed

now in my life
since i feel as though im not love
to everyone im faded

She is my strength when I am weak and she is my star in the night sky,
She is my sun on a cold and rainy day,
She is the voice that soothes me when I cry,
She is the blankets that keep me warm at night.
She is my light when it's dark,
She keeps my heart beating with every step I take,
She is the angel that appears in my dreams,
She is the beauty within me.
She is the moon that brightens up my world,
She is the air I breath,
She guides me through the ups and downs,
She is my ANGEL
She is my DAUGHTER.

A sky of darkest velvet

Sweet kisses in the night

You love me in the darkeness

but forget when the world is bright.

Our lips are soft and still

But in your eyes I find

A thousand words I can't explain

A storm locked in your mind.

So hold me beneath a starry sky

and weave the night into a lie

with every secret that you hide

I die a little more inside.

My head is filled with echos

Every romantic thing you've said

You tell me I can trust you

As you lay me in my bed.

Whispers on my pillow

A hidden thought you keep

Something you won't tell me

An answer that I seek.

Kiss the questions from my lips

I can taste all of your lies

Can you feel the pain I hold,

beneath every pleasured sigh?

You tell me that you love me

As my nails run down your spine

It's too dark to see your eyes

But I know this lie is mine.

You hold me in the darkness

As you finally fall asleep

I've found the thing you hide

What you've buried away so deep.

You love me when it's nighttime

When you can't see my face

Because if you can't see me

I'm just another girl you can erase.