White Buffalo's blog: "random stuff"

ok so somewhere i have lost myself or forgotten who i am or once was....i am currently havng trouble figuring out where i went or am hiding...i had a friend tell me that they think i am depressed and it should be expected and that i have shut down emotionally...i dont know if this is true but i do know i really have nothing to care about or any desire to find anything because it seems i dont get the same in return.....i feel alone here with only people i work with for friends...dont ge me wrong i do appreciate them because they do care but its just "me".....and that is how i feel a small little me in a great big world i dont fit in.....i feel like the world is passing me by and i am powerless to stop it......all i want to do is drown myself in liquor and just say fuck it all.....before i go any further i should say i do appreciate those of you here that i interact with on a regular basis it has helped me tons at times when i felt like this....right now i just need a shoulder to cry on that cares why i am hurting instead of how long its gonna take me to get done.....i dont know what to do where to go or how to help myself....not so easy when your on the inside looking out as opposed to being on the outside looking in....ok enough for now and sorry if i have offended anyone with my pain....i have certainly offended enough people already in my day to day life

i dont miss much as a general rule.....however since the loss of my son i find myself missing not only him but ME!   i am not sur ewhere i have gone and i dont know where to start looking to find me but i know i am gone....i have no sense of self or humor like i used to and i so wish i was back.....its hard because i dont like who i am today i want to be who i was before july7th the guy everyone loved to talk to and who gave a damn if they did....i feel like the teacher from ferris beuler.....beuler  beuler   ferris beuler    oh ok guess kevin isnt here either......any ideas how to break this cycle would be greatly appreciated!!!!

I ave been wondering how long and what i would take to start healing from the loss of my son.....I have the feeling i am on the way to starting on  the journey......turns out all i needed was a good bottle of whiskey some beer and to get mad enough to try and break my arm with my shed....the problem i still have is anger management and the total lack of a reason or desire to love anything.....i include my rl friends and family in this...i feel like i have been shut out left in the cold and with indifference but oh well.....gonna drown in a bottle again and try not to go postal or hurt myself smacking things so if i dont answer right away just figure i either am busy breaking something or i went to sleep!!!!

i am really suffering from a lack of sympathy.....i could possibly understand it if it was people i barely knew but they seem to be paying me the most attention since my sons death...people who i have known my whole life act like i don even exist now....they wont return phone calls or answer emails and it really hurt because i am still raw over his passing and am really needing the attention to help me cope....even the people i see every day seem not to notice me or even acknowledge anything bad has happened...the people i live with are hurting me the most because even in the begining it seems they were like "oh that sucks"  instead of "oh my god how can i help"......i have never been through this type of loss before and i feel terrible for anyone else who has but damnit i need to feel like people care its me thats hurting and not my ex....the heffer got her bills paid rent and all for a year by the people in her community and i cant even get help with an electric bill....where the hell is the justice in this life i actually care he passed away to her he was just a child support check i couldnt pay half the time cause it was so high......its all making me bitter and all i want is to drink myself stupid tto hell with work and the peole around me and to hell with her and her bullshit....i have been kicking myself because i wasnt there to try and find him and i have people who are friends with her sending me messages saying thsng like "why are you being so mean to her she just lost "her" child".....he was my child too and i deserve some respect for just that reason....i dont know maybe its me and i am so wrapped up in my grief that i dont see the "big" picture but i am hurting to after all and it doesnt seem anyone who should care enough to treat me like i am grieving does!!!!!!!

fathers need love to and maybe i wasnt the best in that respect but she made it that way.....everytime i did anything for myself before i left oklahoma i got the why didnt you spend that on your kids call....couldnt even buy a pair of tennis shoes without her knowing about it.....

oh well enough ranting for now sorry if i have offended anyone i just dont understand how people can be so cold.

three questions i have to begin with.....1.) how can it be that a guy can have children but when it comes to their care total strangers have the right to tell them they have no rights without custody?.....what kind of society do we live in where a woman has total control over your kids unless you can prove them unfit  but all they have to do is tell a dhs or cps worker you are an alchoholic and with out ever meeting you they rule in their favor......2.) why does it take the loss of a child to get dhs involved enough to just check the welfare of  your other kids.......my youngest son is dead ...he was found in the trunk of her car and a lightbulb went off for dhs finally that something might be wrong...good god  how retarded is that i have a friend who works for the osbi in oklahoma and he told me that dhs and cps have had 40  reports of suspected abuse against my ex and not one single visit was ever paid to her home in the last 7 years......3.) anyone got a method of mending my heart as well as my mind ? ..... i never asked much from anyone in life except for love and all i have to show for it is heartache and self loathing.....because of unforseen circumstances i was unable to see my kids for a long time and for that i am beating myself up....my son had no idea how i felt about him and he died leaving me with that knowledge to kick myself over...i cant help but to think had i been there that maybe he would have been with me and still been alive today as i had visitation on holidays and i never would have NOT known where he was at all times.....while we are on the subject...i am not an alcoholic i do drink but only socially or when its a special occasion...i actually had not taken a drink in almost a year because i didnt really have anything to celebrate then i was forced to make a change in my life and moved to south carolina(which is awesome because i am a panthers fan) and i drank to celebrate my new life and starting over......should be noted that when i met my ex i was an alcoholic i was depressed over losing my mentor and childhood protector Bill he was my greatest friend and ally in life when i was growing up...at that time all i did was sleep work drink and passout.....i was killing myself slowly and it was made even harder because the only support i had was the people who kept handing me beer and bottles of whiskey....they liked me better when i was drunk because i forgot and would have fun but it was no way to live so i left the temptation behind as well as my children and i kicked the habit....took me 2 years and alot of torture but i made it back to sober and now i can drink if i want but i dont have to drink....so i guess i should say i deserved what i got from past experiences with me but i didnt deserve getting railroaded is all....if they had taken time to meet me they would have seen i was trying to fix my life...people are just to quick to judge based on what others say which makes them a coward and anyone who spreads it is no better than them.....nuff said  thanks for reading
 

I have uttered this phrase more than once along with "everything happens for a reason"....I really try to practice what i preach and not let things get to me but its hard when you have had the life I have lived so far....i dont want to rrlive all of it but i do want to talk finally about the latest tragedy/roadblock......I have 3 sons one in new mexico and 2 who are in oklahoma....my youngest prestyn "supposedly" locked himself in a car trunk and died....I was devistated because i have not been a good father i made a mstake and followed what i thought was love only to get my heart destroyed not broke destroyed...so now my baby is gone and i only have the option of riding a bus to oklahoma to the funeral or not going there at all...i went...only to get the news that my baby isnt mine but my best friend and brother jasons and that my ex knew since right after we got divorced but to screw me out of child support money she never said a word....out of everything though i must ask why she didnt cry when interviewed by the media not only why didnt she how come she was able to speak at all...i was so devistated by it when someone tried to talk to me about why i was crying on the bus i moved or went and sat in the bathroom...and i realize there will be those who will try and disagree with me on her reactions...look it up on fox news  channel 5 and channel 9 out of oklahoma city it happened on the 7th and his name is listed as prestyn shayne mahan...i just dont understand how someone can be so cold and indifferent so much so that the topic of conversation at the funeral was about trading the car he died in for a new one because the car lot promised her good credit....what the hell is that about?......ok i am getting angry again so i will stop here....i just dont understand is all

I have always wondered why people do some of the things they do...my ex for instance kicks me out and then after kicking me out and making it where i cant help her pay the bills blames it on me saying that i LEFT.....i dont care anymore mind you i just dont understand why she feels the need to make herself look like the good one when its all been her fault from the begining...we got behind on our bills because she can never have enough STUFF not food not important things like toilet paper but stuff like make up and purses and shoes...i understand women need these things but when you have a family things like bills and food should always come first right? I dont know maybe i am wrong in my thinking but i dont think so after all my work for the last 4 years has been landscaping and fence building which only goes when the weather is good and with the job market so tight its impossible to find a job just for the winter so i trudged along and it was never good enough so i had to do things i wasnt and still am not proud of and yet in all my times i saved our family because she had to have STUFF not one thanks or a hug or anything just condemnation and blame...oh well good thing i got broad shoulders and a strong back...i just hate having to carry around the knowledge that their electric and water was shut off for non payment and its all my fault cause i didnt make enough to cover her ass and pay it....so be it i can take it but i wont appologize i gave up 2 jobs because of her and now i cant find one so who really got screwed here? ok enough of that so any way if anyone ever needs a shoulder to cry on i guess i am a good one to ask cause apparently its the only thing i am actually good at..lol .....so my big question of the night is a things that make ya go hmmmm.....osama bin laden didnt giva a damn about americans and how he killed them he just wanted as many dead as possible as quickly as he could get it....soooooo....why the big stink about how he got whacked? ? ? ? ? i grant i am no expert but i do know that he got what was coming to him no ifs ands or butts....now he is dead and personally cant orcastrate any more attacks and whether anyone likes me after this or not i say "good riddance to a bad piece of garbage"....done ranting so ya'll have a nice night...luv to all my peeps in fu land