Chaotik Element's blog: "Random Poetry Pt 2"

I can’t take anymore. Liquor and cigarettes call me back, they want me back everyday and I want relief cause all I do, and all I’ve done is spit on. Its been shit on, so I grin and smile, and keep the violent temptations deep inside. Bottled up, all I’ve done is never enough. Attacked but you don’t care how I feel. Things change, come and go, told by you to forget about my goals and to let them go. I can’t do that, its something I refuse to do, so fuck you. I can’t conform, and act, or do what you want to do. I can’t be that way cause I’m not you. You told me after that night I rapped on stage "Get a job, move on and grow up", now thats something you know I just won’t do. I refuse to stop what I do, either accept it or fuck off and fuck you, or respect it don’t push me till I regret it.

We don't talk anymore, so I guess you've moved on. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. I was wrong to want to see you, and spend time with you so I'm trying to move on and looking for someone to replace you too. Maybe we'll never talk and I'll ditch the block party this year, frankly I don't understand anymore or care. We've drifted apart, I'm glad I never gave you my heart cause it'd hurt too much to have it ripped out of my chest and torn apart. Your not the first and not the last, but now I guess the thought of being with you is just a memory from the past. I'll let it slip and slide, I won't run and hide, if we pass by I won't stop and talk cause I might cause too much of a shock. I'm sorry I like you, I'm sorry I care, and right now I wish I could move out of here. But instead, I'll wander aimlessly on these streets, trying to get my head clear.

The hardest thing to do in life is let go and loose someone you love. To love is to live, to live is to love and to care is to love even with doubt. To doubt oneself is to almost shout out. To scream is to shout, to break the state of silence, yet alas to break ones heart is more then a lack of love. Its a state of screaming inside yourself, when the world will not give you help. To repeat the same dreams must be a clue, a clue that something you saw has now missed you. You never were close to it as you've wanted to be, to touch it even in dreams is not even worth it to me. To touch and to wake, your dream world will but shake and then break. The clock'll tell you how much time you did take, how long did it last between last night and when it faded away? Do I know? Do I remember? The image and the repeat has burnt itself into my mind today. Did I miss something or am I not blind? Why did I not speak up sooner? Why did you run and hide? These answers might be inside. If you love something set it free, I did not do this but it was thrust upon me. I had no choice I had to say it, I had no choice I had to speak. I had to do this, I was strong then when I did speak. I set it free, I made things right, it was inevitable sooner or later but we do not talk, but we never fight. You know what I told you, the words came to life, the feelings came to life too when I said those words to you.

I need to walk for myself, I need to look back into the mirror and take another look at myself. I know your mad, but I can't do this right now. Ask a question and hear the answer from my grapevine, maybe its my time to go, or maybe I should try to find mine. I can't finish this cause I'm too weak to speak, I doubt you'd understand but for now theres the slipping of my hand. The darkness will still be my friend, the beast might've gotten the best of me. xxx ~ Bob Cat

The day the world went away, I was alone. When I was alone I felt sometimes crazy, to a point where I thought I could break. My days of darknes would lead me there, to a place of cold and dread. In a place that remains, it was a dream but thats the price to pay. The days that I slept, and tried to get back, I didn't care if I ever came back. Noone was there, to hear my screams, I was alone in this valley of darkness in these dreams. Its silent, but simple I could not smile or cry, my strength was taken and I would not try. I tried and tried to get back, but my return would be a chain to react. I gave up, and wanted but to see this world again, the one where I dreampt, and I was my only friend. Noones around, and I keep coming back, it took me so long to realize and to see the lies. The mushroom made me realize, red and white spots to realize, to see through it all again, through these lines, through a cascade of lies.

I'm walking away, I'm walking alone in this land of sand like a massive dune. I keep walking but I can't see where I've been, I don't see where I'm going and I wonder why. I could collapse and my actions can speak louder then words, I thought we all learned from it all, but instead maybe its not so bad to take that dive and fall. If I came as I was, would I still hear the call? Maybe its my time to go, maybe I should've died years ago, but for now what more can I do then keep on going. For now I guess thats the way it goes.

Its been months of sobriety, I slipped up twice but I'm doing this for me. I'm not doing this for anyone, just for me. I decided to keep the bottle down, and push it away from me. So here I stand sober and still trying. Better then being passed out on my bed dying. Better then having my previous work not work. By now had I not changed my buddies would miss me, the next woman who'll come into my life would not have met me or kissed me. For all these reasons, and for myself, this inner demon has less of a grasp on myself. I might slip up and have a drink or two, but I refuse to suffer from heavy drinking, theres no point and no use.

I can't put the bottle down to save myself, I don't know how. I keep drinking to numb myself cause I don't know how else to now. I drink and fight, I pass out at night. I'm crashing and burning, I'm the one who keeps losing this fight. I feel pain so I grab a 40 of beer, I crack the bottle open and try to wash away all feelings, emotions,pain and fear. I'll drink till I pass out. The floor where I wake up knows my name and my face. Wake up in the morning hung over and feeling sick as shit, I'll sleep half the day away then return to my hazey ways in another day. The face in the mirror I don't recognize, I can't see, back into my eyes. Its not me, I'm, someone else, I'm too weak to say that maybe I need help. The vodka calls as I fall, a good friend will help me through, I put down the gun but its just like the drinks to me.

Look @ your reflection, what do you want to be? What do you want to see? Lookin through the cracks, what can you see? Inside your head,your thoughts and creations ain't always your own, fears of the unknown. All that surrounds you, doesn't feel like it seems, the world you knew is just like an illusion, or a scheme. What're you afraid of, what do you want to see? You look when your eyes are closed, you see a reflection in the glass, everything below. Everyone around you, could be fake like a dream, the world could be fake like a dream. I hate my reflection, I don't like all I see. I try to look through myself, I'm afraid of me. What if the fallen, are nightmares of your own? To the world I remain unknown, I live in this bubble of who I am, what I believe and all I've seen. Nothings what it seems, all I've known, all I know could be so fake to me.

Whats love? Is it a place, a feeling, an emotion, understanding, or caring about someone? Is it finding that perfect person, or is it having someone who is there? Is it feeling alive with no regret, the tears, the blood and the sweat? Tell me what love is, tell me where to find it cause maybe I'm not brave enough to see.