ImTheRealTruth's blog: "random poetry and wirtings i do :P"

Pain is weakness leaving the body most say, but then why does it feel so unbearable to move after pain has been felt? Emotions run high as weakness leaves but then once it has left a whole new perspective is to be seen through the eyes, i feel a burden has been lifted and taken away off my shoulders or even my chest. When i cant breath it gets blurry and my mind rushes through thoughts like it was drinking a coke, it cant stop to think about the situation so poorly made decisions come into play. This is my life, in my words through my eyes, many people dont understand how hard it is for me to deal with my emotion on a daily basis, only those that read may understand but i just want people to learn about what i go through every day just to live life, life is never for granted, but a gift so precious and shall never be upturned to the life I.ve been dealt.

CHAPTER 1.

The Early Years

I was born Lyndon Adrian Chamberlin, on January 12, 1989 to parent Brenda Campbell. I was taken out of her

custody because of her lifestyle, She drank and used drugs such as cocaine, she sniffed gas that caused premature Multiple Sclerosis at a very young age that put her into a wheel chair. I had always had thoughts of her but i have so much anger towards her but I wouldn't ever tell her that.

I was put into a adoption home at birth, never to know my biological mothers real name or to ever know her or feel her touch or feel her love. I was adopted to a family on march 3rd 1990, a loving family that i will do anything for even through all the hardships that was caused from my attitude and actions and words. My mother and father became Elaine and Stan Chamberlin, with brother Ryan Chamberlin and sister Kimberly Chamberlin.  I will forever be grateful to be put into a family that taught me a lot about my culture and about myself even through my stubbornness.

As i was a young child i was happy, never had a care in the world, never thought about anything bad always smiled and laughed and was always in a good mood. Then I began school, I was so happy I wanted to learn and to meet new people and make a lot of friends, but i soon realized how cruel kids are, never thought i would feel depression at a very young age. My peers would push me down and pull my hair scratch and grab me and say words so cruel my heart sank with each harsh word said to my face and behind my back. The beginning of struggling to stay alive for the people i love started at age 5.

My very first day of school showed me how my life would turn in a matter of a year. I dressed up in a nice wind suit, classy as my Brother was a athlete, so I thought id dress like him for my first day as he was a hero and my mentor. Ran into my classroom hung my jacket up and sat in the circle of kids that were my age, I quickly said I'm Lyndon, at that moment one kid said you sound retarded four eyes, i looked at him then didn't say anything for the rest of the class until recess. I ran outside so full of energy until my energy was shot down by my peers once again, I saw my classmates play four square, i ran up and asked if i could join, they all looked at me and said no your to stupid to play with us. Once gain my happiness was shot down and i walked slowly to the doors where i sat down and cried for the rest of the recess. I couldn't believe what was going on, my mind couldn't comprehend the words as i thought i was normal and should be friends with them so I kept trying and trying but my peers wouldn't have anything to do with me at all. A small amount of depression gathered after an incident that brought fear of going to school because of my peers.

I was playing around the tire bridge on our play structure, i decided to go inside and come out the other end as a lot of the kids were doing. I became trapped in there, my peers were at either opening of the tires and the others began to rock and shake the bridge back and forth. I was screaming for them to stop and to let me out but they didn't stop until the bell rang to go back to class. I was still in the tires and i wasn't moving or coming out, fear set in and i didn't want to be alive, my very first thought of suicide was at the age of 5 years old, i was finally convinced to come out right before 3:30 when school ended, the principal had my mom come and help him out get me out, once i finally crawled out my mom took me home. On our way home I walked in front of her and told my mom in a very fearful, depressed, sad and crackly voice with tears still pouring down like rain "mom, i hate school I never ever want to go back there again." but my fear had to be fought and the next day i had to go back to a hell hole i feared for my life.

Every day I had school, I would fear what would happen that day when i first opened my eyes. I would smile as i said good morning but behind the smile was tears of emotional pain that hurt deeper then any cut I have ever received from being clumsy or a knife. No one saw the pain i hid behind the smile I only knew the depression and thoughts i had. No one could understand why I was such a freak out as most would say, I couldn't handle my emotions or my thoughts of wanting to kill myself, no one could tell the laugh and smile I showed was fake. People still can't, i wish people could see and understand the pain i bear underneath it all. Every word to put me down and lowered my self confidence and self esteem and my self worth was so thin but I still never gave up.

Days passed and weeks and years, i was in grade 6, as depression worsened and the emotional pain deepened with every day i lived i couldn't see past that day i wanted to die, no one saw the signs until the first cut was ever shown in grade six. No one understood why i would do such a thing. Self harm was a bad thing, to me it was a reliever from the pain i felt. My Teachers Assistant Ms. Martin took me aside one day and told me that my classmates said I stunk, I bathed every night and brushed my teeth every morning and night, I flipped out hard core. No one saw that coming, I got sent to the principals office, one of many times that id be sent there through my school years.

CHAPTER 2.

The Older I Get

The older i got, the depression got worse, more cuts appeared on my wrists. No one saw that my pain was to the point every thought i had was suicidal. Only wished that one night my life would end, but it never, and i believe that with every morning i woke up the stronger i got even through the days my suicidal thoughts were at a breaking point. People would ask me where i saw myself in 5 years, i said every time in university with a girlfriend that loves me and a job that i love. Never happened. But then again everything has made all my dreams wash away down a drain. High school was the worst time of my life. My depression got so bad, i had way more anger then anyone saw, i held everything in til id explode. I was diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome at the age of 13. just another reason for people to make even more fun of me i thought. I guess everything happens for a reason but that reason was unclear at that age.

Everything turned upside down when i was accused of hitting my Teachers Assistant, i didn't hit her, i would never hit a woman. But still people didn't see it, they didn't listen to me. No one ever did, I was always the odd one out and was told to sit wait my turn, but my turn never came. I kept waiting to be heard, but my voice remained unheard. You know how silence kills the mood? Well when a voice is silenced it has a harder time to speak because it has never been able to tell its tales. Well that was me, my voice was silenced and still remains silenced, but it will be heard even if no words are verbally spoken.

I took a strong liking to my creativity through drawings, poetry and music. I love to draw, i love to write, Id say that when i write its a way to get my stress and ease my emotions, but who knows, maybe its just a way for me to escape my life, no one will know, i dont even know. Music is a strong aspect of my life, if music never existed i wouldn't be here today to tell my story, music has kept me alive, it has kept me strong. "Without music....life would be a mistake." The many quotes I like and strongly believe is true. 

Im the demon you’ve set free

Caused by a catastrophic demise

The blood reigns upon the harp

Of a angel long forgotten from the mind

Homicidal becomes the vision

Of a man who sought vengeance

Seeking the truth behind

His non acceptance

A non existant soul

Buried deep beneath his lies

Bowing to a god sitting

Upon a throne of wires

Looking though the eyes

Of his only heir

Fearing the wrath of his demon

Set free from his mind

Provision of a dark spirit

Rises from the ashes of man kind

Only to destroy his beloved

World of pain

Only to come to reality

Of the psychotically insane

I am not: a bad personI love: being held and kissedI hate: lies and falsehoodsI fear: making the same mistakesI hope: for a better lifeI hear: voices in my headI crave: genuine care and affectionI regret: things i have not doneI cry: for the ones i love mostI care: without cautionI am: meI always: feel like giving up even though i promised i wouldnt.I believe: that one day my wish will come trueI feel alone: mostly when i am notI listen: if someone need somebody to talk toI hide: my sadness behind angerI drive: myself over the edge from feelings of guiltI sing: not as often as i shouldI dance: alone in the darkness of my mindI am: determinedI write: for those to know how i feel insideI miss: her voice, her touch, her kissI know: that i dont knowI say: only what i feel matters or needs to be saidI succeed: only on my own terms and my own waysI dream: of happinessI am: confidentI wonder: who it will beI want: what i cant haveI give: to much of my heartI fell: and i brokeI fall: when i am most vulnerableI fight: for the ones who cant fightI am: Lyndon 

My thoughts set dreary eyes upon rest, with dreams of an absent heart, a love lost with the sands of time, only he who seeks her will find her true beauty as I once did. Love never felt so bold in a heart that was cold from sorrow and agony, it sought to seek the happiness it prolonged for, so many years later it rejoiced itself in her loving embrace. A embrace one couldn't break apart, only she can loosen the embrace, as one never thought love would do, but spoken words of cruelty loosened her hand that had once held love and happiness. love felt unbearable to be ever felt again from another touch and kindly spoken words, only self grief brought upon thought of loneliness, agony, and despair. Never thought ones hand once so fragile with touch would become a rock so hard and harsh with thorns of pain, happiness disappeared within a night under many moons where it came from, only eyes have seen the damage it has caused, a soul so white it shined, turned to darkness so black, darker then night, a black soul remains tainted with sorrow pain and heart ache, anger so strong the spirits fear his wrath. All because a love lost with so much despair within the words it left with, never again love will appear with the walls built around my absent heart.

To my dearest love,

i would never ask for you to reciprocate what i feel, becausing falling in love with you was never planned. We have been through a lo together, but we have weathered all th rouh terrain our relationship has put us through. I couldnt ask for more then to have your love with an for me.  I know i am not that easy to love, but you have stuck ith me and helped me change. I will always love you for you, never will i ever tell you otherwise, for you are you, and what i see in your eyes are endless possibilities of paths we will walk together. is our love meant to be? or has it been altered to fall apart as our previous ones?

Questions cross my mind about our love, but then the thoughts of how strong it is overrides the uestions and i then realize we are stronger then anything we have ever felt, our love was meant to be, and it may never break or fall apart, as what we have is as strong as bamboo. It is unbreakable, untoughed by anything that will stand in our way. WE have made our futue together gro with absence of physical love, but the emotions we have are more then anything we have ever felt, we have love, honesty, ttust, loyalty, and respect. Nothing will ever break that, nothing and no one.

Will you promise that you wont turn out like the rest of my previous relationships? My heart is still tender, and cannoot take anymore pain, enough pain has made it weak, and its tolerable to more pain as it rises. I never want to argue, our fights are stupid and uncalled for, i know i start most of them, and i know that i want to feel our love through hppiness andnot nger, i know my anger takes a toll on you, but i know with the more our love grows, i will become who you want and need me to be for our family, and to be your man.

What would you say if i tild you i m nothing without you? It is true, i dont think i can ever live without you in my life, as my lover, my bestfriend and my angel. your my new drug, i can stop taking, i was meant to be yours, you were mean tot be mine, the creator has made our lives connect in a way unimaginable.once we fell in love, our souls collided with such force that they wont be the ame without eachother.

I wish you knew how beautiful you really are to me, your eyes are like as bright as the august sun, your soul shine brighter then th havens, and our smile brings such joy to my world. you ar so unmistakenably bautiful to this world, but most importantly me, i hope you read this and smile, as what i say is true nd what i feel is real, it must never be tken lightly nor miintreperred because i know what i feel, and i know that these feelings, these emotions, this happines, and the joy you bring me are so much more then what i have ever prolonged for.

Yours truly,

Lyndon