1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
13) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
23) You never ever run out of salt.
24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
33) Bricks are horrible to carry.
34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
35) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled
out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the
animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
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Does this sound FAMILIAR ????
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could
have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government
employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
33. "Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking"
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding
either."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is
Patricia Whack. 'Ms. Whack,' he says, 'I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat.'
Patti furrows her brow and asks, 'Well, how much do you want to borrow?'
'$30,000,' the frog says.
The teller writes this down, then asks his name.
'My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger.'
'Really?' she asks, eyebrow raised.
'Yes,' he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny
pink porcelain elephant. 'And I want to use this as collateral.'
'Ummm, okay,' Patti says, accepting the elephant. 'I'll have to ask the
owner about this.'
'That's fine,' he says. 'He'll vouch for me.'
Patti walks into the bank owner's office and explains the situation.
'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you
and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this' - she
holds up the tiny pink elephant - 'as collateral. I mean, what the heck
is this thing?'
The owner says: 'It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs.
Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll
light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these
days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles,
10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband
doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer flippin’ candle"
magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the
middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot,
of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
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