LiL Rebel RedneckSoul Sista to Kimberly's blog: "Random Funnies"

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? What is the speed of darkness? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.' Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does An Obstetrician or Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up your poon tang anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs ! If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on....... Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.' Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?' Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, give me your answers.' Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.' The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.' Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?' Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... ''Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question: Can you tell me God's first name'? 'Sure' says Forrest 'it's Andy.' 'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?' 'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.' Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs? At a movie theater which arm rest is yours? What is Satan's last name? Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don't have toes? If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony? Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"? If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity? If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin? If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"? Do they bury people with their braces on? How far east can you go before you're heading west? How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion? Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves? If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling? If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states. Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball? If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP? Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron? If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress? Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it. If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin? If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food? If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired? What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup? If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half? Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him? When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny? Are eyebrows considered facial hair? If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on? In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"? Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? Can you daydream at night? Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it? Can crop circles be square? If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor? Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic? When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible? Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown? Can animals commit suicide? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient? How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on? Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home? When two people marry, they say, "you may kiss the bride". What do they say if two MEN get married? Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"? Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables? If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts? Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs. Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts? Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly? Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing? Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person? If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet? If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isn't refrigerated? How fast do hotcakes sell? Do prison buses have emergency exits? Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space? Can a black person join the kkk? When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die? When there's two men who "get married", do they both go to the same bachelor party? If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David? If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down? Why is it that before 9/11 they always showed the emergency broadcast system test, and on 9/11 they never used it? If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes? Who was Sadie Hawkins? If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense? Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground? If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween? Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? What does PU stand for (as in "PU, that stinks!")? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk? What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant? If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes? Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning? If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them? Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all? Do you yawn in your sleep? Why do dogs like the smell of other dogs butts? If a cannibal was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electrocuted for his last meal? Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies? Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on? If you died with braces on would they take them off? If someone has their nose pierced, have a cold, and take their nose ring out. Does snot come out of the piercing hole? How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings. Do you wake up or open your eyes first? Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? How do you handcuff a one-armed man? If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it? In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end? Why can't donuts be square? Why put a towel in the dirty clothes basket if when you get out of the shower you are clean? What happens to an irrisitable force when it hits an immovable object? If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell? Why do overalls have belt loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps? Do people in prison celebrate Halloween.... if so how? Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work? Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English? What do Greeks say when they don't understand something? What happens if a queen gives birth to a pair of siamese twins? Who gets to be king? Do all-boys schools have girls bathrooms? Conversely, do all-girls schools have boys bathrooms? Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? How come cats butts go up when you pet them? What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time? How come you never see a billboard being put up by the highway? Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone? Why are dogs noses always wet? If a bee is allergic to pollen would it get the hives? Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck? Why is it OK for dudes to slap other dudes' asses in football, but not in any other situation? Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread? If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? At what point in man's evolution did he start wiping his ass? Do bald people get Dandruff? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Why do superheros wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes? If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Can you cry under water? Why Does Pluto Live in a dog house, eat dog food, etc. but Goofy, who is also a dog, lives in a condo and drives a car? If you blew a bubble in space would it pop? Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full? How come all of the planets are spherical? How did the first women ever to shave their legs know that the skin wouldn't just peel right off? when a pregnant lady has twins, is there 1 or 2 umbilical cords? Why doesn't Winnie the Pooh ever get stung by the bees he messes with? Why do they put holes in crackers? Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach? What do people in China call their good plates? How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown? Why don't woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their head on a tree all day? If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth? If an escalator breaks down, does it become stairs? Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey? Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US? Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn? What are the handles for corn on the cob called? Why do British people never sound British when they sing? Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer? Do your eyes change color when you die? Were Mary and Joseph's surname Christ before Jesus was born? If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile? Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another? In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section? How old are you before it can be said you died of old age? If K.F.C Stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, Why do they play sweet home Alabama on the commercials? If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price? What type of animal is Snuffaluffagus? If you had a three story house and were in the second floor, isn't it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family? Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore? Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker? If you really could dig a hole to China, and you did, and you fell in, would you stop in the middle because of gravity? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? What happens when you put a lightsaber in water? On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour? If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license? If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene? What do you call male ballerinas? How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt? Why people are so scared of mice,which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Micky Mouse, who is bigger than us? Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can't you get honey from a plastic bee? Can bald men get lice? When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling? Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar? If you undergo chemotherapy do you lose your pubic hairs? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Does the postman deliver his own mail? Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue? What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other then your hand? Why are women and men's shoe sizes different? Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space? Where do people in Hell tell other people to go? Is "vice-versa" to a dyslexic just plain redundant? How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall. but it's illegal to keep one as a pet? Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are? If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from? Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral? If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule? When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard? Was Jesus a virgin when he died? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith? Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?' If there were a thousand seaguls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more? If you soak a raisin in water, does it turn back into a grape? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do they call steam rollers, steam rollers? They don't produce, get rid of, or have anythong to do with steam What is another word for "thesaurus"?

A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try somethin I have heard about . Numbaa 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want...Beef wiff Broccori?"

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station . . . . . and that's how the fight started. ************************************************** I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Lite for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better than the cold cream at night . . . . . . and that's how the fight started. ************************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too . . " . . . and that's how the fight started. ************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' . . . and that's how the fight started. ************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. There we were, alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it-he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' . . and that's how the fight started. ************************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first, 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself' . . . and that's how the fight started.

Why Some Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog?? 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. And last, but not least: 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

A CABBIE PICKS UP A NUN. SHE GETS INTO THE CAB, AND NOTICES THAT THE VERY HANDSOME CAB DRIVER WON['T STOP STARING AT HER. SHE ASKS HIM WHY HE IS STARING. HE REPLIES: "I HAVE A QUESTION TO ASK, BUT I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND YOU." SHE ANSWERS, "MY SON, YOU CANNOT OFFEND ME. WHEN YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM AND HAVE BEEN A NUN AS LONG AS I HAVE, YOU GET A CHANCE TO SEE AND HEAR JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING. I'M SURE THAT THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULD SAY OR ASK THAT I WOULD FIND OFFENSIVE." "WELL, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FANTASY TO HAVE A NUN KISS ME." SHE RESPONDS, "WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT--1) YOU HAVE TO BE SINGLE AND 2) YOU MUST BE CATHOLIC." THE CAB DRIVER IS VERY EXCITED AND SAYS, "YES, I'M SINGLE AND CATHOLIC!" "OK" THE NUN SAYS. "PULL INTO THE NEXT ALLEY." THE NUN FULFILLS HIS FANTASY WITH A KISS THAT WOULD MAKE A HOOKER BLUSH. BUT WHEN THEY GET BACK ON THE ROAD, THE CAB DRIVER STARTS CRYING. "MY DEAR CHILD," SAID THE NUN, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" "FORGIVE ME BUT I'VE SINNED. I LIED AND I MUST CONFESS, I'M MARRIED AND I'M JEWISH." THE NUN SAYS, "THAT'S OK. MY NAME IS KEVIN AND I'M GOING TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY!"