As I sit here pondering recent tragedies I can feel unshed tears fill my eyes More broken hearts Lives torn apart A lil more hope dies nobody hears my cries. I'm a hollow empty shell of the wide eyed inoccent I once was. No longer deluded by the dreams emptying my last light into my son hoping maybe he can be one of the few who changes what this cold cruel world has now become. Like me it was once filled with life & light now we only survive to protect our kids with them as our last grain of hope that they'll be better than us. That they will breathe life back into us. Maybe I hold on to the hope so I don't have to feel guilt for being a selfish bitch bringing a child into this world that i've long since given up on. Maybe it just hit too close to home. One of my greatest fears is that someday i'll be getting that phone call or police on my steps telling me it's my mom or worse yet my brother. For both have had a tendancy to drink & drive. Too young he was. We're losing too many of our generations to alcohol related accidents. I can't help but ask why???
I once loved being alive & I didn't let societies chains hold me down. I don't apologize for being who I am or being into things most people pretend to be shocked & outraged by. I just try not to hurt others who don't understand me & wouldn't understand what my true desires in life are. That's not to say I don't make mistakes. I've lived among humanity too long & just once in my life I gave into vanity, my one human weakness. Too late I realized he was not worthy of my time or my body. He was white trash & happy to be that way. Now I have to have it thrown in my face every time my chosen one and I get into a disagreemant. He drives me further away from him & deeper into myself. He's the one who drove me away to begin with. He accuses me of not feeling guilty or caring that I did something I swore i'd never do. What does he want of me? Should I beat myself up consumed for something I can't change? Drive myself into a suicidal depression? I won't live like that. It's done, it can't be changed. Move on or let me go. I can't live this way. Maybe it's partly my fault for I can't give him everything he needs from me emotionally. I try but part of me is gone. I love him maybe i'm just too afraid i'll hurt him again that i'm not good enough for him anymore. I feel tainted by my trangressions. Too much of the light to feel nothing but too filled with dark to feel something. Too afraid. Nothings the same anymore. I don't know. Maybe i'm just rambling about nathing. Nobody will probably read this anyways.
