RavensTemptation's blog: "Ramblings of a Raven"

I'm very quickly coming to the grim sensation that I'm likely to be single for another 5 years or more. Its been five years since I have really been with someone and all I'm feeling now is that it isn't likely to change. I'm feeling a lot like I'm pathetic for wanting to fall in love again. For desiring to find someone who can be truthful with me, and see past whatever physical sexiness I do or do not have. If its not I'm just friend material its someone who wants to use me for my sexual desires.

I'm still a person underneath the lingerie, and sexiness. I'm doing my best to be a good mom and trying to be a good daughter by taking care of my mom who is older than most parents of my generation. I try to not focus on the loneliness that is eating away at me, but its there everyday when I wake up to no one other than an empty side of the bed. For a while I was content to be alone since I had to figure out things in my life, but now it is becoming a sore reminder everyday that I'm just not desired. Or else I'm desired for nothing other than my sexuality.

I can't understand why people see it as a pathetic sign when a person wants someone beside them. Someone who can love them, and cherish them the way that I would to that man as well.

I wake up with this sinking feeling that I'm going to continue to have to face this loneliness when I want to find that love who can be with me. There have been points of my life that I was broken, and wanted relationships to make me feel better about myself. I still have those self esteem issues somedays, but most days I am confident in who I am. I believe I am beautiful, sexy, cute, intelligent, funny, charming, charismatic, fun, and creative. But, finding someone has been impossible lately. I've been lied to and have had horrible men who lie about serving this country or being terminally ill while hiding the fact that they are married. Or the man who I loved for 9 years who was stringing me along with lies just because I made him feel better for being a gracious and loyal person.

Its discouraging that at 26 I'm already beginning to feel like I won't find love again. That whatever relationships I've had are the only ones I'm going to have had. And its a terrible sensation to have. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life and have no one to wake up to. To have no one to come home to and curl up to just enjoy their company while talking about our days. To not have someone who maybe might want to have me as his wife. Or be a step father to my daughter. 

And if anyone does read this I'm sure there are the men or women out there who read it and go, oh my god how pathetic! Well, its not pathetic to want to love and be loved. To find someone who wakes up in the morning and goes to bed looking forward to the next day with the person you love. I've learned that it takes more strength to love someone than people think. Its not a weakness that so many laugh at. It takes strong people to love in the truest sense of what it means to love someone.

I just keep on wishing inside of me that I'll be able to find someone again who wants me for me and everything that goes with it. But sadly, my hope is dwindling and that is crushing every part of me.