Im really not feeling good at all.. Mentally or physically.. Im startin to get sick.. So thats the physical part.. Now for the mental.. Are u sure ur ready for this?... Ok here we go... First Ive been thinking about my past.. and basically how i screwed my life up with drugs.. then i think how i wasted time and let it slip by takin everyone for granted thinkin they would always be there.. Until one day last year when My house burned down and my Uncle Jeff died.. Ha Big reality Call.. I lost my life in a matter of hours.. thats when i got really heavy in to the drugs.. I havent been the same since the house burned.. Granted I am Clean off the drugs now But that just makes me Deal with the shit going on in my head.. I miss my son.. I miss my uncle.. I seem to fuck up everything Good out there for me.. I just started a new job.. I hope to hell i can keep it and I like it.. Im falling in love with a Man and Its scaring the shit outta me.. I dont want to be hurt again.. But i dont want him to think I dont care about him.. I can really hide these feelings in me and no one ever notices.. But then there are days that Everyone can tell im upset and bothered.. I wish i didnt have the thoughts i have in my head.. They scare me thinking about them.. I listen to death music and songs about pain and I Laugh at the ones about killin ppl.. and relate to the ones about pain.. Everyone thinks they know how i feel But Trust me you dont.. I go to bed everynight Hoping my life was a dream and ill wake up and be normal.. Then i wake up in the morning realize that it wasnt a dream and I wish i didnt get up.. My son keeps me strong .. I dont know what i would do if i couldnt talk to him.. I cant see him everyday and I havent seen him since dec 26th.. But once again thats my fault.. He deserves a better mom.. I know this.. He deserves the BEst of the best.. and i know i cant give it to him.. all i have to offer is My love and All i have in me.. I would give my life to him if i could.. And this man that im seeing.. Well Wow.. I dont ever feel Upset when he is around or when i talk to him.. and i wish i knew how he felt truely about me.. Anyways My head running in circles and I dont know how to control it. Suprizingly i havent wanted to go back to the drugs.. Im shocked. and proud.. But Imma get going... The last thing i wanna say is... the only things in my life i wouldnt change is... Living with my dad at the moment.. Having my son.. and Meeting G... Other then that.. I hate my life.. I hate me.. I cant even look at myself in a mirror. Let alone look myself in the eye.. I cant stand me.. Im fat.. I think im pretty to a point.. But yet. Im Horrible.. Anyways Gotta go.. Shits too fucked up for me to keep typin
TIFF
