Shattered Oblivion's blog: "Limitless Ramblings"

I am starting to feel old chains sneaking around in the darkest recesses of my mind. The same chains that weighed me down so much what feels like so long ago. I can not say I know what is making this happen. Hell, I do suppose it would be me. I seem to have this tendency to give out far more than I take in. I spend all of my energy and willingly give it to everyone and everything around me. This such as focusing and retaining my energy levels are becoming much more of a hassle as of late.

My mood began to dip and I decided that writing may be an answer, or at least a way to vent whatever it is that is weighing me down. In a way I feel as if this veil that has been preventing me from reaching myself has thicking and gone from translucent to opaque. Blocking off everything rather than simply hindering me. Yet it is simply this moment. I know I have plenty to be happy for, or even grateful for. I mean, I am safe and will be warm for the winter. Although, I do feel the road calling t me again. The constant change of scenery, surroundings and people. I do know that I have a tendency to end up where I need to be, I also have a good idea of what is needed from me where I currently am. I simply must focus and clean house. Mentally, before I can be of any use to those arund me. Sometimes it slips my mind to take care of myself, when I worry so much about those around me while I see mistakes made around every corner I know that n one is perfect and that most will learn from their mistakes. But what about those that seem so utterly hopeless? Like trying to reach someone that's surrounded by a brick wall simply because it is more comfortable and safe-feeling to themselves. I cant say I know how to reach the one I am thinking of now. I'll call her Mimic. Every time I talk to Mimic, she appears to be listening, and evn gives some more or less fruitful responses, yet doesn't do a single thing to help herself and doesnt even seem to take what I say to heart, or even to mind. She even breaks down into tears for the strangest of things. Usually I am able to connect with people without even trying or actually meaning to. for some reason this is very different. it is almost like Mimic is out of my reach. There is only so much I can realistically do for Mimic when Mimic will not do for herself. You can lead the horse to water, but you can not ake it drink. I dnt know how exactly to approach this problem. I want to help Mimic grow and get past all these walls and barriers that she has trapped herself in. Creating a world for herself where no one else is accepted. Sure, it is comfortable, yet it will do Mimic no good. Not only that, there isnt even must of an age difference between Mimic and me, but I am treated more or less like a parent, or a very disliked babysitter. Anotherthing would be the one I shall call Maple. Maple is very gifted, yet strains for things that I do not believe are important at this time. All of Maple's energy is being spent and used focusing on distant problems, rather than anything close by. Spending all the time and energy on distant issues will not help dear Maple grow either. It is as if she has her walls as well, yet she allows just a single window, where other people's problems are visible as well as her own, and instead of reaching out and taking the lead, or control, Maple wrries from the supposedly safe confines of her walls. There is so much potential in Maple, yet she is blind to it, as well as Maple's own will. All that needs to be done is to apply the answers that have already been lai out in front of the window, and things will fall into place, as they often do. Perhaps it is fear of failure? Lack of faith in Maple's own abilities? Honestly, I can not say that I know. I am beginning to feel more and more drained the longer I remain in place. Losing some faith in myself as well as my own abilities to help, even though I know that they are there and that I am more than capable to take care of the tasks at hand. Though at the same time, it is not my place. I should be willing to let those around me fall to see if they can learn and grow from the mere experience of falling alone. The only problem is that I fear that they may fall and continue to let themselves fall more and more, always believeing that rock bottom has been hit when things can always rather steadily get worse and worse as time progresses.

The next though on hand will involve one that I will call Fallen. I know I am needed in aiding Fallen, although he seems to have no desire to have me involved. Not only that, Fallen wont even speak directly to me nowadays. It seems to only be through this or that person, to be reayed in this or that manner. And I am only reached when n one else can be. Where is the faith? By this, I mean the faith in me. I know full-heartedly that I am a particularly important part of the puzzle that makes up Fallen's trouble, yet either he seems to be blind, or unwilling to believe it. It is as if ties are being attempted to be cut, whether it is supposedly 'for my better' or some other reason. If something is aflicting Fallen, all I get is something along the lines of I am fine, ect. Sure, there may be reasons that are more or less understandable to not have me involved. But excuses are like assholes, we all have them and they all stink. How can I continue to have faith in myself when someone I care deeply about seems to have dwindling faith in me? Maybe not in me specificall, but my capabilities or my purpose. I cant say I know exactly, I just do not see why some doors would be opened only to slowly close themselves in my face. Fallen has been trying so painstakingly hard t avoid direct contact with me that it makes me wonder whether or not I should even try to make contact and shatter this distance that is forming between us. I never desired to have such a distance, yet it still seems to be happening. Fallen is closing himself off while leaving hismelf exceptionally vulnerable. Fallen is not superman and can not help everyone, just as Maple can not do this as well. All I suppose that I want is the knowledge that I can be confided in as I once was not even that long ago. The only way for me to be able to fully assist Fallen would be to know the complete extent of the affliction and the tolls that are being taken on him. I know that the answers to things are always simpler than they seem, considering the fact that humankind has a tendency to constantly overcomplicate things. Yet these answers are so very elusive to me right now it isn't even funny. 

Oi. I've lost track of this and gotten distracted, I shall try to get some rest.