WeRSoulMateslooking's blog: "Polyamory"

So how come all the non-monogamous relationships I've ever seen don't work? That proves monogamy is better! Most relationships in general don't last; how many people actually spend their entire lives with the very first person they were ever romantically involved with? A few, but not many. Have you ever seen a monogamous relationship fail? Dose that prove that monogamy dosen't work? it's interesting that if a monogamous relationship fails, that dose not discredit the concept of monogamy, yet if non-monogamous relationship dosen't last it's "proof" that non-monogamy dosen't work! There are many reason why a relationship might not last, and most of those reasons have nothing to do with the relationship model. It's tempting to look at a non-traditional relationship and assume that every problem the people in that relationship have is due to the form of the relationship, but it doesn't actually work that way. And not all relationships that don't last are "failures." It's common to believe they are, but it isn't necessarily so; any relationship that teaches you more about yourself of those around you is in some measure a success. Let's assume I buy all this. How do I make it work? It's easier to answer the question "How can you make polyamory NOT work?" Which is, in fact, a question I've addressed here. As with any relationship, making it succeed is more complicated than making it fail. One of the surest ways to make it fail is to lie. If you can't be honest with your partner, and I mean about everything, then polyamory isn't for you. If you can't abide by the rules of a monogamous relationship, then poly isn't for you. If you cheat, then poly isn't for you. Another good way not to make a poly relationship work is to browbeat you partner, or coerce your partner into accepting it. Poly relationships don't work if one of the peoplle involved only grudgingly accepts it; it has to be for the benefit of everyone.

Okay, so what's the down side? The down side is that you have more than two people involved in your relationship. That is both a blessing and a source of stress. Romantic relationships come with a certain amount of tension built in; I've never known anybody , anywhere, who's never had even a single argument with their lover. Add another person to the mix, and your potential for disagreements and arguments and tension gose up. A lot. Add to more people to the mix, it goes up even further. The more people you have involved in a romantic relationship, the greater the potential for problems. It's not necessarily all bad. Sometimes, having people who you can turn to when you have problems is a big blessing. On the whole, however, managing more than one romantic relationship is, not to put too fine a point on it, harder than managing only one. It is incumbent on any people in a poyamorous relationship to take care that they follow the rules, and make sure everyone's needs are met. Without that, the relationship will fail-just as a monogamous relationship will. The other downside is that being poly emotionally riskier. The more people you open your heart to, the more likely it is thatyou'll have your heart broken.

What's wrong with monogamy? Nothing. So why don't you want it? For those whose relationship inclinations lean toward polyamory, a poly relationship offers more. When you have more than two people involved in your relationship, it offers you resources and perspectives that you don't have in a monogamous relationship. If one person is feeling down, or has a probelm, that person has two, or more, people to turn to for support. With more eyes on a relationship problem or problem at work or whatever, sometimes the solution is easier to find. And it's great for your sex life. I'm creative in bed. On my better days, I like to think I'm very creative in bed. But the fact is, no human being has seen or done it all; in fact, no human geing can even begin to scratch the surface of of Cool Things To Do In Bed. We have six billion people on the planet right now, and thirty thousnad years of recorded human history behind us. Someone, somewhere, has thought of something that you would absolutely love, but you'll never think of youself. I've learned a lot of things from each of my lovers, both in and out of the bedroom, that I have been able to take with me into my other relationships. Not even just new techniques, but sometime new ways of looking at things. These things have enriched all my relationships, and my life. It may not even be what you're thinking. Not all poly people are into group sex. There are polyamorous individuals ho've never had a threesome. Being poly doesn't necessarily make you kinky. NOr dose it mean that you're into orgies, or that you're promiscuous, or that you want to boink everyone you meet. For polyfidelitous people, being poly really isn't that much different from being monogamous. Polyamory also doesn't make you bisexual; in a polyamorous relationship, all the people involved.(The idea of being a guy in the middle of hot girl-on-girl action is a cliche as old as time, but don't think polyamory is automatically going to get you there.)

But that's different. That's cheating. Precisely. If you want more than one lover--which most people do, in spite of the romantic myth you may have been brought up to believe--then integrity and decency demands that you be honest and up-- about it. I've been approached and propositioned by women who have asked me, point-blank, "So, ould you ever cheat?" When I say "I am open to having other lovers, but I would never cheat--we can become lovers only if my partner approves" they usually freak out."Oh, that's just too weird" So apparently there re a lot of people who are perfectly fine with lying and deception, who won't hesitate to betray their spouse and think nothing of it--but who can't accept the idea of integrity and honesty. Those people aren't my lovers. Anyone who can betray their spouse can betray me as well, and I don't want people like that in my life. So you're saying that everyone is either poly or cheating? No. Some people seem ired for monogamy. They can stay in a monogamous relationship, and be happy, and never even look at another person. That's cool. But not everybody is like that; in fact, evidence suggests that most people are not. Even that isn't hat matters, though. In the end, it's not about what is "enogh." Many poly people could be monogamous, if they really wanted to; in fact, people, who can sustain successful polyamorous relationships tend to be better at obeying the rules of a relationship, and not cheating, than average people. But poly people don't want monogamous relstionships.

So, why? What do you get out of this? Besides shagging a bunch of people, I mean. For starters, being polyamorous dosen't mean you're shagging a bunch of people. It may mean that you only have one other partner. But that's beside the point. The answer to this question actually addresses who we are as human beings. Why do people get involved in interpersonal relationships at all? Why become romantically attached to anyone? The answer, of course, will vary from person to person, but at the end of the day we're all social animals. People are happier when they're romantically involved with someone than when they're not. Intimacy adds to the quality of your life Fine. But why is'nt one person enough? What would you say if you had a child, and you decided you wanted a second child, and your first child said "But why am I not enough" The question itself dosen't really make sense, once you understand that it isn't about what's "enough" Let's start with the fact that the majority of people are not intimate with one person. They're intimate with one person at a time...at least in theory. And with statistics from the General Social Survey suggesting that many as 34% of men between the ages of 50 to 64 will admit to having cheated at least once, evidence suggests that even the theory isn't too widely practiced.

Right. Just like that, huh? But why would my lover want to shag someone else if I was adequate,hmm, smart boy? It's not about adequacy. Many people are brought up to beieve that if you're interested in sleeping with someone else, it's because your partner isn''t enought for you. It's a myth that's as common and enduring--and as false--as the ides of Santa Claus. Human beings don't work that way. When we fall in love, the part of our brain that makes us attracted to other people dose not magically shut off. Someone one asked me "How can you stand knowing your lover is with someone else? Don't you feel like maybe they're better in bed than you are?" The long answer to that question is very complex. The short answer is simple: It doesn't matter. It's not a contest. There are a lot of people in this world. If you look far enough, you will find someone who is better than you are at everything. You'll find people who are better at cooking, better at sex, better at reading and writing and driving and every other thing you can think of. You Can't be the best person in the world at everything. Deal with it. You know what? It doesn't matter. If you really believe that you lover is going to dump you as soon as they find someone better in the sack than you are, well, perhaps you shouldn't try a non-monogamy--but then again, perhaps you'll want to re-think your romantic relationship while you're at it. it doesn't matter for the same reason that it doesn't matter if your lover finds a person who is a better cook than you are. If your lover goes out to a restaurant, do you think"My God, what if the restaurant food is better than mine?" Do you agonize over whether your cooking may seem substandard by comparison? Not if you're psychologically healthy, you don't With sex. it's the same deal. Sex is a learned skill. Who knows...perhaps if your lover discovers something that you didn't think of, then they might bring that new discovery into your relationship, and hey! You're better in for it! But it's not a ontest. It's not like you have to spend your life trying to rank your skills in the bedroom against everyone else's. That way madness lies. It isn't really about sex at all--it's about opening yourself to the possibility of more than one romantic relationship. And maybe it's YOUR new lover who will teach you a thing or two.

I'll bet. Like, how do you keep from being jealous? Ah, now that is a real question! In fact, that question has it's own But is someone feels jealous, isn't that their problem? No, it's everyone's problem, and successful resolution of the problem requires you to find out why they feel jealous. If you treat your lovers as thoughbthey are interchangeable, they'll be jealous. If you don't take care to make your lovers feel wanted or needed, they'll be jealous. If you aren't careful to make it clear to all of your partners that you value them, you won't keep any of them for long. Sometimes, it's easy, especially when you take a new partner, to forget yuor existing partner in the rush and excitement of exploring a new lover. In fact, some people even have a name for that giddy, infatuated stage of a new relationship; they call it "New Relationship Energy" or "NRE" That's when everyone involved is particularly prone to jealousy. There aren't any cure--alls to ensure that your partners never feel jealous, off course, but it helps to make a point to pay attention to everyone, to include everyone in the majority of your activities--you know, to be considerate. If you were raised with the idea that if your partner is looking at someone else, it's because you aren't enough, then you prpbably won't be happy in a polyamorous relationship until and unless you can unlearn that idea and understand why it isn't true. People do have the capacity to love more than one other person; there isn't a magical switch inside our brains that says once you love one person, the switch had been flipped and you can't love somebody else. Any partner who has more than one child knows that it is possible to love more than one person. But that doesn't mean that those people are expendable or interchangeable. People with more than one chilld also know that their love for each child is unique and irreplaceable. Similarly, people in a healthy polyamorous relationship know that their love for each person in that brelationship is unique and irreplaceable--and knowing that drives away jealousy.

Let's get back to this sex thing. How do you decide who sleeps with whom? Depends on the nature of the relationship. If there is a primary couple and secondary relationships, typically the primary couple will determine a et of grounds rules for who is boinking whom, and when. In a polyfidelity group, the people work out their interpersonal dynamics themselves. And, of course, if you have a king-sized bed, who knows? Maybe you'll find that you like an extra pair of feet in you bed! But the "who is sleeping with whom" question isn't necessarily the most interesting thing about a poly relationship. Remember, with polyamory, we're talking about more than one romantic relationship, not just more than one sex partner. The social dynamic can be very complex, and goes way beyond who's having sex with whom.

Didn't this whole "free love" thing die out in the sixties? It never really existed, even back then. But that's irrelevant. Polyamory isn't free love. All these different flavors of polymory have their own dynamic, but ultimately, they are all about building relationships, not about sex. Okay, so they are about sex as well. After all, if no sex is involved, then what you have is a monogamous relationship where the couple has other friends. It is, in a sense, the fact that sex is involved that defines polyamory as a distinct from monogamy. But the point is, it isn't just the sex. And the ides of polyamory predates the sixties, anyway. In fact it's at least as old as human history. Examples of non-monogamous relationships can be found in many places at any time throughout history. Isn't this all some sexist, misogynistic, male-dominated Mormon thing, like on that HBO show "Big Love"? No. The image that many people have in their heads, of one man many women as in the recent HBO series, is technically "polygyny" Polygyny (from the Greek poly many + gynos woman) is the form of polygamy where a man can have more than one female partner, but women are not allowed to have more than one male partner. In societies where polygyny is practiced, women are usually seen as little more than property. Since people have this mistaken notion of polyamory, it's easy to understand why they think "polyamory" means "disrespect of women." But polyamory is not polygyny. Polyamory applies equally to everybody. In an ethical polyamorous relationship, the same opportunities are afforded to everyone, regardless of their sex. Polyamory is not about collecting abunch of women for your harem. Polyamory is about sharing some part of your life and sharing your love with more than one other person--and your lovers sharing some part of THEIR lives and some part of THEIR love with more than one other person. Polyamory is not about "owning" your lovers and hiring an army of eunucha to make sure they don't stray.

Rules? What rules? You want to sleep with someone else, you do, right? It doesn't work that way. There are, of course, as many different varieties of polyamory as there are people; there's no one right way to create a polyamorous relationship, though ethicalpolyamorous relationships do involve honesty, respect,and compassoin. But being polyamorous does not give you license to make like a bunny in heat. A polyamorous relationship isn't about sex; it's about building a romantic relationship with more than one person at a time And yes, there are rules. Yeah? Like what kind of rules? Depends on the relationship. Some poly relationships, called "polyfidelity" relationships, have rules not much different from a traditional monogamous relationship, only there are more then two people involved. A polyfidelitous triad, for example, may have three people involved, with one person sexually active with the other two, or even with all three people sexually involved with one another. However, nobody in the relationship may take an "outside" lover, just as neither partner in a monogamous relstionship is allowed to have an outside lover; if you do, it's cheating. Cheating, if anything, is a more serious offense in a polyfidelity relationship than in a monogamous relationship--because if you cheat,you are betraying more than one person's trust. Other polyamorous relationship may permit the people involved to have "outside" lovers under certain circumstances--often, for example, only if the outside lover is approved beforehand by everyone involved, and only if the outside lover knows the nature of the relationship. The individual relationship within a polyamorous group may be very complex, as well. In many cases, there may be one "primary" couple--a husband and wife, for example. Either or both of those people may have outside lovers, but those relationship are "secondary" in the sense that they involve less involvement in the partners' day-to-day lives than, say, a marriage does. Note: This does not mean that these relationships are of secondary importance, or that the people involved in such "secondary" relationships contribute less or are less valued! It simply means that these relationships have different goals or parameters t han the "primary" relationship. Or, the polyamorous relationship may be a "true" triad, or quad, or whatever; each individual relationship is as important as all the others, and no single couple is "primary" Uh-huh. Says who? Who makes these rules, anyway? Everyone involved. Polyamory is not about "I want to go shag that person over there, and if you don't like it, it though." It's reasonable for everyone involved to expect to have some kind of input on the relationships that go on. It's reasonable to want to set limits, and it's necesary and reasonable to want to establish a framework that protects both your feelings and the feelings of everyone else involved in the relationships, directly or indirectly. You do this by negotiating a clear, explicit, and unambiguous set of conditions that guides the manner in wich your relationships form, and establishes that framework that helps to make ssure everyone's needs are being met and nobody's feelings are disregarded. it is also important to understand that any breach of these terms is a very, very serious matter--just as serious as cheating in a conventional monogamous relationship! This framework, and the willingness of everyone involved to abide by terms you set together, are what creates the foundation of trust that a polyamorous relationship requires. Without that trust, it's reasonable to expect that you or someone you careabout will end up miserable.