Mistress Tonie's blog: "Poetry"

Wanting to die

Last night a friend asked me if I wanted to die I said not today. But today I want to die. I want to die because of the loss of life. Because not being next to those that I love. I want to die as I feel I am unloveable and that I am not wanted. What would people say if I died to today? Would they mourn me or throw a party? I believe people would throw a party singing the bitch is dead. Many people say they love someone but how true is it? Are they only saying the words to make someone else happy or do they mean it? I say I love you only to those closest to me. Today one of the people closest to me turned and walked away not caring about what I was going through but because how she felt was important to her. Telling her I didn't want to live any more didn't matter to her. Yes people deal with things in their own way. But if you are close to someone and they want to die do you really turn your back on them and walk away? Wouldn't you want to stay and keep them company if you really love them not knowing how much time you actually have with them? I hate everything about me. From my looks to me as a person. Dying seems the only way to ease the pain. The only way the pain will be released from my body. I hate hurting those around me. I am finding less and less reason to live any more. Yes Tommy, Mercedes, and Mystic are reasons to live but they don't seem to be enough any more. I need more reason to continue upon this journey. I know I will not be missed and if I am it will be a shock. I know there is someone that loves me but I still have to wonder why. Is it because I am able to be loved or is it from pity? I know not why and neither does he. I just want to die. Die alone so not to hurt anyone. I just wish someone would let me die. Let me die and be done with it. I hate not being able to take my life as all life that is made within me is taken. The life I am to give breath to dies while I stand here breathing the breath that someone gave me. I hate not being able to be in control. I hate my life and my self. Now it should end and I will be done with it.

Forbidden

No fix for the lust of flesh in her most primal state.Chemicals are spoken.For there are no more words left.No more will she accept your conformity.Traveling through you much like electricity.
Moving,Taking,Loving so freely.You're pulled to her eager hands extended.Wanting with all your being.The taste of breathe inside you.The animalistic hunt.For as many as she'll have with hunger sustained.
The ritual fire has left you as ash.Her memory soaring like a storm.You weren't the only one you know.A haunting wind keeps her memory with you.
And with the damage done she'll live her life fast,Fierce,Like the wolves in her mind.
An individual freedom you search to find.What she gives you is a gift.What she reveals is a nipple of the truth in the drift of time

He's the vampyr that haunts me

He haunts me I know not howHe comes to me and draws me nearHe cradles me and not let goHe says those wordsFrom long ago
My love My vampire princessCome to me againLet us be oneLet me lead you unto the darkness
Be unto me that which you once wasBe the bride that I made you to beMy wife my love my mateIn death it took for us to be
You are the life I always hadWithout you there is only sadCome unto me againBe with me
Take my hand as I lead youFrom sorrow and painTo love and destructionTo torture and pleasure
You belong to me as I do youDon't deny me that which I seekYou never left me as I left youI come to take you back to a time anew
Our destiny awaitsNow join meCome unto me that which you areThe vampire princess that all bow before
Your darkness flows deepAs light ascendsCandles flare under your hands
Come my love let it beUs again in harmonyLet us destroy that of filthLeaving a path of bodies despair
Come follow meI can't take you unless your willingDon't deny me longForce is upon you
I will bring you backWhether it be your corpseOr the flesh upon your back
You can not hide from meAs I will always find youNo matter where you roamYour life is mine and mine alone
There is no protection from meAs you already knowI find you when you sleepI see that your awake
Sleepless nights once againAs the first time I found youRoaming the streets before youWandering aimlessly around
Now I find you again not that different from thenI love you and you shall be mineA fight I will do to earn your heart in handIf I must kill you then so shall it be
It means nothing without you here with meYou give meaning when none is givenYou seek salvationYet you take not my hand
You will be mine as I said beforeYour death is before you and this you can not hide.
 
Poetry

Taken away,Destroyed,Thrown,And torn.Where do we turn?Who do we go to?Silent tears and cries unheard.Our innocence stolen.Always afraid.Unsure of who to trust.Everything gone and stolen away.Love is dirty.Everything contaminated.We want to care.We want to trust.But Stolen Innocence is all we have.

The Journey

Buried Talent: The medicine bundle:Symbols of connections,With Allies of the Earth,Medicine to heal usAnd give us rebirth.Talents to honor,Abilities to praise,Strength and compassionGuide our Medicine ways.
This is the meaning of being asked to honor the wisdom of the the Ancestors and Allies.The strengths that are now possessed are my personal Medicine. Finding assistance from all around in that I may find the courage to support myself.

Strength to be gained: Smoke SignalsSacred language of the skyPlease speak to me.You who live where Eagle flies,Spirit I can see,In the form of Cloud People,Coming from the Fire.Sacred smoke you call meTo be my desires.Let me travel skywardWith a heart so true,That may fly like EagleAnd be close to you.
The meaning is clear intent. It is time to walk what I speak. A reminder from the Spirit World. Clear intent brings rewards on all levels and will speed my growth process. Take advantage of the power of my intentions.
The Trunk: KokopelliKokopelli play for me,So my heart may sing,Magic flute of mystery,Fruitful dreams you bring.Song of Aztlan,Fertile Fire,Canyons of my mind,Sacred union,Heart to heart,Speaks of the divine.
The meaning is to listen to the song of the flute. The song of fertility. Started projects need to be finished and new ones began.
The Branch: The DrumDrum that marks the heartbeatOf our Mother Earth,Constantly reminding usWho gave us birth.The rhythm of connectionPulse of flame and Fire,The perfect reflectionOf our heart's desire.
The meaning is to find internal timing. To honor my own rhythm is to come back into harmony with myself. Allowing myself to be supported by Mother Earth's heartbeat. Slow down recover.

The Father Sky: The Stone PeopleRecord holders of the Earth,Will you please explainThe history that gave us birth,The truth you do contain?Like your cousins of the seas,The shells that let us hear,Sacred whispers are the key,To the history we hold dear.Stone People we will hear you.Teach us the ancient ways,So we may build a futureBased on prayer and praise.
The meaning is that which I know will be revealed. Memories of past lives may bring new awareness. A strong person assists me in focusing my intent, dispelling confusion, changing habits, retrieving records from long age, or gentle grounding. Opening my mind to the new understanding that comes my way.
Some where I belong

Where do I belong?
Where have I been?
I look back at the things that I have done.
But what have I really done?
Have I been a good friend?
Am I proud of myself?
Is there other things I want to do?
When I leave this world we people even notice that I am gone?
Have people recognized the things that I have done?
Everyday is a struggle to find where I truly belong but is that even enough?
Nothing seems as important as it use to.
Will the tears fall or will smiles appear when I am done with the work that has been set before me?
Will others think of me as an important part of their lives?
Will I be easily disgarded or even missed?
Sometimes I think to myself that if I left today it would be as if I was never here.
So where do I belong?
No where to go

Time and time again the days roll byThings good and bad happen everydayConfused as darkness over takes mePlans made maybe too soonWhere do I go from here?Is the only question askedIs there light at the end if the tunnel?Or is there only darkness to come?I sit amongst what I called friendsBut are they really friends?After all I have done for others why?Is it me or something I did?I am not worth it to help and not be homeless?Will I always pay for those before me?Are the sins of others mine to repent for?I just wonder what I am to do nowWhere must I sleep in order to keep my sanityMy heart aches with agonyI help always but no help in return do I receiveA home is all I wantA place to rest my headTo walk amongst others with my head held highIs all this to much to ask for ?Should I be ashamed of swallowing my pride?Ashamed is what I feelAnger for the sins of others that make no senseAm I not human and deserve comfort and guidance?Are my questions of no importance to those around me?And still I have no where to goA shelter is where I will call home
Visions

Vision of the past come through clearly. As sleep washes over me. Sleep well deserved. I haven't slept much in a week. Today I took sleep medicine to fall into darkness.Visions of the past rushing upon me in waves of water. This means change. Now do I welcome the change or do I fight it? Even fighting it won't change the fact that in the end it will still happen. I sit pondering about the change to come. I want and welcome the change yet I still fear it. What is to come will be regardless if I want it.Eagle Bear calls to me from afar. My daughter don't fear what is meant to be. Come to the other side and see what change lies ahead. I reach for him yet he doesn't take it. My daughter you must do this alone. The path before you is yours. Embrace the destiny the awaits you. Shima tells me that I must walk with her. Tatonka says come we will show you the way.The tunnel to the past will not harm you yet it will be disturbing. The tunnel to the future will become you. You are growing my child my little one. Embrace that which is meant to be.The vision is to be had upon this night of sleep. I am afraid of what will be. Come and walk the lands with the ancestors. Nissa and Grandfather embrace me with kisses of light upon my face.The Dolphin: Breathe with me, Breathe of the divine, Manna of the universe, In oneness we entwine.The Elk: Your antlers reach the sun, Show me that strength, and stamina is one.The Ant: Oh tiny ant your presence grows, like sands of time, Can I learn to be like you or is it too sublime.The Squirrel: You have gathered nuts by the score, exactly predicting, If you'll need more, teach me to take no more than I need, Trusting Great Mystery to harvest the sea.The Turtle: Great mother feed my spirit, clothe my heart, that I may serve you to.The Frog: Sing frog sing. Call the rains, quench the dryness, cleanse the Earth, then fill me again.The Fox: Where are you? Under the ferns, becoming the forest, So I can learn, You are watching invisible to me trying to teach me to become the tree.The Prairie Dog: Calls me when it is time to rest when it is time to honor, the eternal quest I go into retreat so I may see a way to replenish the potential in me.The Rabbit: Scared little rabbit please drop your fight running doesn't stop the pain or turn the black to light.The Opossum: Roll over... Are you really dead or just playing opossum? Was it something I said.We walk with you our friend of misery. The pain is within and needs to be released. Come and follow us to the light so that you may be free again. Do not punish yourself for what once was. It be not of your fault. Come and join with us that vision that befalls upon you.Oceans roll over me. Light becomes bright. My eyes close to the world around me as the vision takes me. Embracing all that is to come. Mother Earth is watching, holding me. Singing voices from the elders. You have found what you look for. Do you accept that which is shown to you? Tears have no place here our child. From the earth you have come and to the earth you shall return. You are given grace into this light. Dance and rejoice for thou has been returned to you. You need to be freed with your spirit as your spirit walks the earth without you. Connect again, become one.I raise my hands to Father Sky. Guide me my Father. Take the fear from within away. Toncashula wakan tatonka palami. Ashontoanitaway migwhich yaway. Take the fear from within my spirit. Guide me to that which is meant. Show me the way. Tatonka show me your ways. Motto strengthen that whichs lies within me. Mehee you trick me and this I know but I welcome the lessons from you. Wamblee soar high and give to me the power to fly with you in Father Sky. Take my prayers to Toncashula. Bring to me the answers that I seek.A prayer for guidance flows from me.The tunnel is dark yet it seems so bright. The touch of rock upon my finger tips like tiny needles pricking the skin. The smell of salt upon the sea. Barefoot I walk towards the opening of the tunnel. Before me grass so green. I am where I belong but thou that should be here is not with me. Tears to remember flow. Wiping at them to remove them. Trees flourish through the valley. Tepees of homes beyond the trees. Grandmother, Shima, and Grandfather call to me. I walk in wonderment towards them. Here I am but a child. Child of innocence. Running into their arms crying. Holding them as I do not wish to let them go. Tatonka roam here. The animals speak to me. What message to you give me my four legged friends. Speak with us they tell me as you always have. Take the knowledge we give to you into the lives before you. You are the princess of princess honor that as we have always honored you. Take the message of Toncashula with you. These messages are that to who you are promised. Listen not with your ears but in here your heart your soul. It is old our wise one. The messages is not for you to understand but to be given to the one who knows not who he is. Show him the way back. Bring enlightenment to him so that he may understand. As he might leave but he will return to you. You are not alone here nor there. Grandfather and Grandmother are there as that is who you and he is. Believe as you never had. One day the connection will be complete and together again you will walk again. Bare the fruit of gifts together as you have done before. No mother no father will be like you to. Things will change accept it with all the heart. It is you who is to deliver the message and from you all change shall come. When the change is complete come back to us our dear princess and lead us once again as this is your place. Find it within you to make him believe his destiny as this is the message being given. Only you can bring him home and this is your destiny.The lives before now were tests these people will always be you. In truth you are them but do not let the past consume you as it does now. You are the leader of the people. Now go and lead as this is what is meant to be. Bring this world back to what it once was. It is meant.With the words told I still do not understand but understanding in time it will come. Winged ones of the sky will help as I soar above who I am. Four leggeds will bring to me the fruit of what is meant.Our shaman and teacher of the old ways come to us. Bring to us the messages of which only you posses. You lead and we shall follow you to the end. You are powerful embrace it and accept. Do not question that which has been given.

Words

Last night he came to me and I wondered why. He came to warn me about time no longer being my ally. I will take you back to when I knew him and then maybe you will understand.
It was a time of death. The air smelled of it. I sit here and smell the air vividly as if I am there. The scent of blood flowing freely. I see his face of love within my mind. His touch soft and sensual. His kiss of roses upon my lips. Walks down the town streets after midnight. The gentleman that he was. Our love was strong and we thought nothing could take it away. Then death came. He died. He visited me and looked upon me in my dreams and my life. I wanted to die to be with him. I was taken unwillingly then. I searched for ways to die again. To be without him was better than the darkness that had then become me. He was my protector my life. Then it was all taken from me. Life was never the same. I strolled in search of blood to stay a float to be with him. I thought that I was happy as long as I was with him. This has taught me to be careful of what I wish for. My dresses pulled tight upon my breasts. Long and flowing to the ground. He would put his jacket over the puddles from the rain. I missed him and as time grew on I died again never to come back. He left me. We were no longer.
As he comes to me again he brings to me only things that I and a few others know. He knows of my children. He knows the darkness that surrounds me. He knows that it can and will destroy me if I don't take action. Fear holds me and I know not why. I will not give up. My death isn't upon me but my anger is. Time is now an enemy to me. Choices I must make and a change I must embrace. You know who you are you know what you have brought to me. Now embracing what is to come isn't easy. Choices that I am making will only show to hurt. I am trying to embrace things well but sometimes I know not how. I don't understand why the past loves of my life are choosing to find me now. So much is happening and I don't know how to react or embrace what is happening. I am unsure of who to trust any more. I don't trust my self or what I do.
Poetry

To be freeTo fly againTo feel aliveTo know death
Why did he love me?How did he love me?When did he love me?Where did he love me?
ConfusionUnanswered questionsNo peaceNo clue
A pastA presentA futureNothing known
CluelessQuestionsAnswersLost
I need directionI need someoneI need no oneI need everyone
A princessA warriorA kingA peasant
Yet today IFeel as IAm nothingNo one
Nothing in betweenNothing hereNothing there
I walked thisEarth for thousandsOf years
SearchingWaitingWonderingWatching
They comeThey goAloneIn the darkness
To dealTo acceptTo acknowledgeTo become
Who I once wasWho I amWho I will be
Everything collidesThe presentThe pastThe future
One by oneThey drop inThen they leaveNo where to been seen
Go thenLeaveYour good at itAs you always have been
 
 

Mystical

Maidens, Wizards, Dragons. They all exist whether most want to admit it or not. I see them as vividly as I see the sky on a warm winter's day. The day of sorcery is returning. The time has come to gather. To gather back to once we all came. Is it true you ask. Yes my friend it is. Come let me show you. Look upon the gray sky. Do you see that? The movement that is not of the clouds? Do you feel that brush of air amongst your skin when there is no wind? Do you feel the change of energy around you? That my friend is the time of magic. Of believing before you see. Of experience of the unknown. The tails of dragons whipping across the sky miles away. The darkness that comes when there is no storm rising. Come and take the hand of thou that will show you the way. One day all that you know will no longer exist. It will cease to be. There will be no electric. Nothing man made will work. Technology will no longer be. It is coming and you will see. When it happens will you then believe me and not think I am crazy? I hope so and then I will still be there and we will go unto others that show an energy so pure together. We play games of magic and believe then but why is it so hard to believe that it is so real? Must one show you what it is for you to believe? There will be many to deal with all elements and be able to manipulate them. Others will be able to control fires. Some will have the power of God's. What will you be able to do? Can you handle that which you will be give? I am today and always seer one that knows what will happen and probably how. Can you accept my visions of what is to come? I can. Will you follow me into the next world of tomorrow? Will you fight when the time comes by my side? I will fight amongst my friends and by their sides. I will bring the visions of tomorrow to them. My gifts expand and I will fear them no more. I bring the message of the future to all to hear. Listen to my voice and know that what I say is real, is true. I would not lead you astray as so many before me has done to you. You will be safe and you shall be strong. I will be the healer of healers among our cities. Old cities will be destroyed and safety will be sought out by all. New cities will be built. Walls made by those that need no weapons or tools. Castle will come to life. Built as no other that has ever been seen. But much death will we all see. Many will come to us, to our city, not knowing what to expect. New found gifts upon them how to use them a mystery. Auras will glow brightly. A king will be crowned again. One for every city from miles around. But who will hunger for the power to control all? Someone will just to destroy all that has been given again.


Silence

I sit alone pondering the road my life has taken. The wind blows through the curtains and windows. Birds chirping outside with the song of spring rising. My mind seems clear but not clear enough to make the decisions within my life that matter. I believe I know what I want. Then something happens and I am undecided again. I don't know what to do at times. I love and then I am not sure how. I wonder at times what my purpose in life is. I have always thought that the purpose that my life had taken was that of helping others. I help yet I receive nothing in return and I expect nothing either. I just wish that those around me in my life would just say thank you. Thank you for everything that you do. For making dinner so everyone is fed. Thank you for washing clothes so that we put clean clothes upon our bodies. Dinner was good. I would like to hear the words that I am appreciated by those that I do things for. Will I ever hear those words? Probably not. Will someone ever thank me for the things that I do for others? I expect not. But my thanks comes from a higher power. A power that gave me life. A power that has made me what I am. Do I need thanks from those around me? No but I want it just to hear the words. Just to know that others care about what I do for them. It is nice to be recognized for what you do for others. It is nice to know that you are appreciated. It is not required that thanks or appreciation are given but it is common curtasey for the things people do for you or you do for them. I don't know what to do all the time and I don't always have the answers. But I show the appreciation and thanks for what people do for me. It is hard to do for everyone else. I just don't know how to put myself before others. I know that not everything is easy but I am trying to put myself first for the first time in my life.
Love

There are so many times in ones life that they can feel so lost. I know that I do. However have you ever sat down and watched something upon the television or seen something as you walked down the street and it made you stop and think of what you have or who you are? I do that several times in a week. At times the trials that I have gone through I am helped to embrace them by something I see on the television or something I see as I walk down the street. I enjoy watching anything that is based upon truth. Those are the movies that really hit home and help me deal with the things that I have went through in my life. Well here are some words that might make even the hardest person stop and think about their own life. These words might even bring a tear to their eyes.
Love
What is love? Love is the feel of a new born baby laid upon the chest of a new mother. Love is the butterflies the flutter in ones stomach when you look into the eyes of someone. Love is giving when you have nothing to give. It is the pride of a parent when a child has done nothing yet everything all in the same breath. Love is standing by someone, not behind them or in front of them. Love is being selfless to the needs of others around you. It is the words that comfort people even when they don't think they need it. It is the sparkles of the stars that shine when you have given up and dig a little deeper knowing there has to be more. It is the feeling of accomplishment when you didn't think you could do it. The inspiration of the breeze and the scent of flowers upon the grass. The bloom of everything new in the spring. The cold of the rain upon the face of beauty. The winter snow upon the roof that forms ice cycles off the edges. It is the grace upon which one walks. The stride in the sprint of ones legs upon the gravel. Love is so many things yet nothing at all. I love. Maybe to much or maybe not enough. But my heart is always in the right place. Even when others don't see it. It is the sacrifice of what you want for someone else's happiness.
Poetry
Thoughts racingNo end in sightTurmoil destinedTo Destroy
Comfortable?UnknownSafe?Unknown
Am I where I belong?Is there more than what I see?Is there places that hold my future?Lost
Hello?Is there anyone there?Where are you?Who are you?
VoicesEchosVisionsUnclear
Am I really hearing people?Do my ears deceive me?Are my eyes playing tricks?Am I seeing what is before me?
Turning within one circleNo beginningNo endFollowing never leading
Eyes please don't fail meEars listen carefullyHeart don't lie to meSoul be true
Nothing makes senseEverything jumbled within meTricks and games is what I feelAre these feelings true?
Have I failed?Did I lose?Is this my fate?What do I do?
I know questions are only answered by the one that holds themBut how do I know what the answer is?Will I find it?Will it elude me as it always has?
Confusion is not what I have known before nowLost is not what I am use toUnsure is not what needs to beI just don't know
I am feeling feelings of despairFeelings of confusionOf lostOf unsafe
I need to relive what once wasWhat happened thenWhere did it lead me?Am I being punished?
Were my decisions wrong then?Are they wrong now?Are the shoes I fill to big?Is this what is meant for me?
I need clarityI need contentmentI need soul searchingI need destiny to reveal itself to me
Poetry
Tonight there is silenceNo words spokenNo sounds to be heard
Darkness encircles meNo light to be seenBlindness over takes me
Do I search for the sounds once more?Do I search for the light I once had?What do I do?
Have I found something that only other eyes can see?Will I ever know what there is to see?Will I hear that which I once did?
Sometimes we don't cherish what we haveThen it is goneNo longer to be had
I hate my gifts at timesNow I feel them slipping awayI want them
How do I gain what I have lost?Or have I really lost what I had?Is this just a test that I must pass?
Going on is what I haveEyes of a child in growthEars of the child within
I need so muchI want so muchI wait in the open to receive what I need to have
WaitingPatienceWondering
AmazementWonderSight
Fore sight of what is to comeThe sounds of the past and the futureEverything the way it must be
I am the visionaryThe one that leads those around meThy who brings clarity
I see that which I shouldn'tI hear that which isn't talked aboutI am me
Unique in ways that can't be explainedThings that can't be understoodThings left in the dark
Everything will be explained when the time is rightEverything that has been said will be understoodThings will be enlightened
To Morgan

In battleWe will fightSide by side
The gates of HellWill openThe wrath of GodWill come down
TogetherWe willSurviveAnd Die
A furyThat none will understandThey will ignore usUntil all is said and done
To sides of the coinHeads and talesOpposites of each otherThe same together we will be
Come stand with me once againA love so strongNo one can destroyOur destiny is ours
Protection is yoursIf you wish itI will protect youIn the end it will be us
Fight with meAs our destiny has shown usI am uniqueAs are you
People said we were destinedTo be destroyedWe have come so farTo give up now
Walk with me againTalk with natureAs we once didMorgan La Fey
A love of powerOf strengthOf destinyOf hope
Missing you I doUnderstand I don'tYou have leftWill you now return?
One dayAfter many yearsWe will reuniteTogether we will fight
Taking on goodAnd evilWe mustAre you up for the fight?
Come to me my daughterMy MorganMy petMy friend
Reunite with meAs you always haveDon't disappearAs you always do
A good bye hurtsA heart is crushedMy love still growsYet pain resides within me
Come MorganBack to meCome againOne we will be
Rambles of the flowing words that have been given

Twisting and turningSwirling around within my selfThoughts racingQuestions invading
Yelling, talking, screamingWho's there?I see people around meYet I see no one
Where am I?Who am I?Am I dead?Am I alive?
Problems solvedNew ones ariseWhat do I do?Where do I go?
No one to trustNo one to talk toSecrets buriedNever to be spoken
My heart in turmoilOver love?Over nothing?
I know what I have doneI know who I have helpedI know my callingYet I am lost
Lost within my selfLost to societyLost to a life of fearLost to everyone and every where around me
What do I want?Where do I want to be?Who do I want to be with?How do I love?
Dancing aloneSitting aloneTalking aloneYelling alone
I want someone to want meI need someone to love meI need to be heldI need to be with someone
I want everythingNo more unhappinessNo more feeling unwantedI want a family
FriendsWhat are they?Who are they?Are they real?
Is all I have is the spirit world?Should be enough?Should I want more?Am I selfish?
Will I find my destiny?What is my destiny?Where is my soul mate?Was he right?
He said many thingsIs the past to repeat itself once again?Can I change it?Will someone be damned for eternity?
Is it fair that I want to die?Will I die alone?Will those who say they are my friends really mourn me?Will they throw a party once I am gone?
Will she come home?Will she hate me?Is this what should be?Will this be a mistake?
Can I love?Can I be loved?Is it hard to love me?Why is it so hard for me to love?
Am I only to always give?Will I never receive?Will I never show for anything that I have done?Where am I going?
I know not many thingsYet I know what most do notI want to be open with others and let them know what I seeBut I know that it will scare them away
I am fearful of what is to comeI am terrified of who I amI am scared of what I can doI don't want to hurt those around me
I bring pain to those I touchI bring fear to others when I speakI hurt the hearts that love meI break that which is given to me
I want to changeAnd change has befallen meCan I accept it?Will I embrace it?
What river shall I float down?Which street will I cross next?Where will I live tomorrow?Am I worthy to have that which is given to me?
I hate myselfI hate the worldI hate what I have becomeI hate what the world is
I want to change itI don't know howWhere will I begin?How will I do it?

Feelings

As days go by and the nights grow dark and weary my heart sinks with the sadness that seems to want to consume me.  The tears want to fall from the darkness surrounding the pupils of my eyes.  When the tears fall a waterfall they will become without an end to the dreariness that my heart feels inside. There is an emptiness that seems to hide away in the shadows of a Fallen Angel.  Life is like a star that twinkles and slowly fades away to evaporate into the universe.  Life is short for those that live however even shorter for one that will never breath upon birth.  People take the breath given and take it for granted but innocence robbed before it can have a chance.  Self centered and self consumed people seem to forget that they are not the only ones that hurt, feel pain, cry, care or even love.  Relationships that seem to fade with each blossoming of the roses that fill a room of scents unknown.  Changing for everyone around you to become who you may never have been meant to be.  Dizziness filling my every thought and movement wondering what will ever become of me and who I am.  No longer wanting what could have been but moving on to the best of my abilities.  Trying to show that I care about someone who only cares about herself.  She pushes me away as if I never existed within this life.  Hatred flares like the flames of hell burning the lost souls that have become nothing to anyone. Screaming into the crowd to no avail that anyone hears the words that I speak.  No one to care about what certain choices made might affect me.  A wonderful and intelligent woman that has become bitter as the taste of lemonade on a summer day. There are days I wish her life would come to an end as suddenly as the life taken from me yet I only want to reach out and her grab my hand to show her the understanding of a friend that is not a simple round in the silk sheets that surround her milky complexion.  A life grows in her that she seems to not care about and would rather end.  I want to know what lies deep within that tattered soul of yesterday and see how she can shine like the moon upon a mid summer night.  Why can’t she see what I can really be to her?  My words cut through her like a knife into the steak of feeding time.  I want her to hurt as she hurts me yet to only comfort her after all is said and done.  My pain inside from loss and rejection has clouded my thoughts like clouds the rush in to cover the ground in tears from angels above.  I want my girls back just to know they are all right but when they return I send them away and reject them as that infant of a woman growing has rejected what could be a wonderful friendship.  Through her self consumption of self pity and want she forgets who is really here for her.  Confusion with self doubt that I will be anything but that pitiful child that came here a year ago.  I have come so far and fear has brought the past to haunt me with no avail of what used to work to make it disperse from the salvation that has been given to me. I want to be with her to taste her upon my lips to ease the longing that has flooded me for so long.  A slave respectful and grateful to a Master that has been true of purity within the soul but afraid another can make him forget me while upon the home I live in.  Creator just flood me with the insight that will set me free of all the pain and suffering I must go through.  Nothing seems real but only the dream of yester year.  Where do I go from here and what do I think?  Who and what have I become over the last year to make me lose sight of what should be?  Anger with lightening bolts shooting at anything in my path.  Wanting to destroy and hurt to make others feel the pain that is radiating from me, within me. I work hard everyday struggling up the rope that dangles down in front of me to find the right path to take along the rocky road on the journey that I know one day I must travel without someone holding my hand. Scared of all the possibilities that have been laid in front of me but willing to jump and take the chances.  I just don’t know how I have come so far yet so little in the time that I have been here and I don’t know how someone so selfish can easily come in and seem to destroy all that I am working so hard for.  I want to care and love her with concern and passion but she is so closed off to anyone except those that she chooses to surround in the silky web she is weaving.  How can someone be so unconcerned about the pain others go through and only think that she is the only one that matters?  I sit in tears from the knife wounds of words that I have caused while she sits there so proud that she thinks she has control of what may be.  Will he take into consideration the pain and consequences that will come from her coming here for just a few days or will he give to her what she wants while I get nothing from actually wanting her to be here?
 
Waiting
Her smile has faded
There is no spark in her eyes
Her hair dingy brown
She sits waiting
For all that isn’t found
She fights to win
But she only loses
Most of all now she has lost herself
What others have seen she doesn’t
The glow is diminished to not even candle light
And still she is waiting



Anger

Fire burning deep within
Pain burning under the skin
Lightening flashing from my eyes
Don’t touch me as I despise
Despise the way you look at me
Even the touch of your hand
You say ask and you shall receive
What have I gotten?
I ask and am denied every time
Take your pity and shove it up your ass
Take your selfishness and throw it in the trash
There is no room here for you any more
I have no time for your half truths and lies
Don’t cry to me no more
As my anger burns with wrath of fury
Enough to burn your being to the ground
Take your one way ticket to hell
Leave me be to be the hollow you turned me into
I am no longer innocent and precious
But fire and rage of no independence
I will not be there to help you when you need
As I sit alone wondering why
Only to fuel the fire that burns my skin
Only to hear the thunder as it rages through my ears
Only to feel the lightening that can no longer be controlled in my eyes
You have been the death of me in ways never seen
No rebirth there will be
From my anger and my pain
Broken Wing
I have soared the skies above searching and waiting Seeing nothing but the emptiness around me Rain falls upon my wings Thunder clashing all around me As the day grows old and the dawn becomes dusk I begin to fade Fading into silence and despair Losing all my flight to the storm that threatens the air Eyes clear like the daybreak sky Skin milky white like sparkling stars A smile of innocence, pain, and torment Hair like brown spun silk All these things fall crashing to the ground Cement meeting wings of feathers and air Blood dripping from injuries unknown Crystal tears begin to fall A stranger walks up and tilts her face Looking into eyes of the clear blue sky Wiping tears away Carefully lifting the broken winged fallen angel He protects her and keeps her safe Wiping tears and blood from her face Placing bandages gently upon the feathers of fate He fixes her broken wing just so she can fly away
Soul Mate

He entered my life like lightening in the sky.  Rocking my world like thunder reverberating through my very being. To have him so far away breaks the very being he has turned me into being.  Loving the idea of just being in his arms when April comes to an end.  He is the stars that are unnamed upon a galaxy yet to be discovered.  He is the black hole that I wish to become lost in for ever.  He is the one that I have waited a lifetime for and never will I let him go.
Afraid

Twisting and turning I know not where to go.  The road seemed clear until the phone call arose.  It seems as though trust will never be there even though it is said that it will be.  I know now it will never be that easy.  I know in the past leaving has hurt those close to me however as time has past by why hasn't it been forgiven?  Did leaving really leave those hearts that damaged that they can't recover and forgive after all the loss they have been through?  I just don't know what to do any more.  Maybe every decision in my life will always be a mistake and I will always hurt those I care and love deeply.
????

Do you love?Do you hate?Do you regret?Are your choices sound?
Is your thoughts clear?How about your visions of life?Is your heart free of the hate?Are you like your fore fathers?
Have you been tainted by the ideas of others?Are your morals the ones given by those that raised you?Have you a heart to always do what's right?Are you searching for what you want?
I am searching.For what I do not know?Is it for someone or something?This I know not.
I am free.But only in my mind.I am safe.But only in my heart.
Be mindful.That is what they always say.Be truthful.But first to your self.

Thoughts

thoughts racing with no where to goquestions of uncertaintyhow r things to bewhere am i goingwho will i beam i always going to be lostwithout a soulwithout regard
have i spent to muchof my life worryingabout othersabout medoing for otherswith no regardto me or mine
will i always be lostwill i never find my wayis this the way it shall beis this where i belongis this who i amwill my journeycontinue along a pathof uncertaintyof questionswith no answers
do i havethe answersdo i askthe right questionswhere will this pathand journeytake mewill there besomeonewaitinga hand totake and holdor will ialways bealone
i don't knowno cluedefenseless to thatwhich ishopeless tobe damnedi worry abouteverythingthe wind iknow is my answerbut whereis it taking mewhen i think iknowi realize i knownothing of what is
i need to knowwhere i am goingwhere this journeyis taking mewhere it willleadi know thedestinyyet i am afraidof iti am confusedconfused like neverbefore
i am becoming selfishi know not whyi think aboutme and minefirstbut i don't knowwhat to dowhere to gothis is notwho i once wasi am fearfulof who i ambecomingwhat i amturning intoand wherei am going

Disappointed again

Plans madePlans cancelledExpectingDisappointed again
Where is she?Has something happened?No callNo show
ScehdulingReschedulingTime and time againNo more
I am throughWith the gamesThe run around
I must really careAs I keep believingIn what will never beIn what is not
I need closerI need peaceI need clarityI need to be done with her
How do I do that?Is there steps I must take?Is there something that I must do?Something I must say?
I know not where I am goingI know not how I feelI know not what to doNor what to say
Am I wrong for believing?For expecting?For hoping?For hanging on?
I want to be madTo be angryTo be hurtTo lash out
But how can?Will I?I know notI am confused
Just a callThat would be niceA noteEven that would be good
But nothing I receiveNothing I hearWhat do I do now?How do I do it?

Would thee enjoy thy sunrise with colors of pink and blue upon the Eastern shores?  Would thee enjoy thy sunset of orange and purple the same upon the Western shores?  Doeth thee breath feel as the pedals of silk roses soft and sweet upon thine’s cheek?  As thine treasures all secrets untold thy has become a gem thine holds close.  Thee are thine sunrise and sunset.  Thee are thy golden moon before the stars shine through the broken path thine travels down on dreary nights of pain.  Thee are thine everything upon thy ocean waves of time.
 
 
 
Alone in silence consumed with thought and fear.  Falling into a tunnel of darkness.  Consumed with my own destruction of shame.  Knowing change makes no difference.  Changing inside and out still leaves me lonely and in despair.  Tears rain upon a pillow as acknowledgement eludes the wonderment of these ears.  Turmoil in chaos over what should never be.  A hear reaching with hands in need.  No lips to speak forgotten words no ears to hear the screams.  Am I destined to live in a box unnoticed, unspoken, unheard, and broken?
 
 
 
The saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is a joke.  Granted I should be paralyzed and almost dead but how has that made me stronger?  How has being beat, raped, and abused made me stronger?  It hasn’t. It has made me fear everyone and everything.  Decisions are not what I can make on my own without someone telling me what to do.  I only bring pain and no longer know how to love.  So it has only made me weak in the end.
 
 
 
Life is full of streams of sun rays.  Wintry snow glistening upon the ground.  Changing colors of leaves in the fall as we close our eyes.  Raindrops pouring down in the spring as flowers begin to blossom under our feet.  Laughter echo’s as summer brings out the childhood innocence.  Then days turn to night and shadows are cast.  Innocence lost to the abandoned ships.  Life slips away from one’s finger tips.
 
 
 
Let the breeze of wintry days lift me and carry me away.  Let the tears flow like raging rivers of yesterday.  Allow the breath I take in pain and vain finally come to an end.  Just let there be no more me.
 
 
 
As the days grow cold and long under my feet I feel life slipping away like death of spring in the fall.  Nothing feels the void within the walls closing in around me.  Each breath meaning less than the one before.  The shine in my eyes dissipating as happiness fades to darkness.
 
 
 
As a butterflies wings of a feather and a rose pedal on the wind a distant memory has freed me from sin.  My heart left broken unhealed in the wind.  Angels kiss now a blessing upon your lips.  In the end my life was nothing lived in vain and pain.
 
 
 
Let the blood drain from my veins as my last breath floats upon the wind.  Shed no tears as missing me would only be a sin.  A life that I wasted will never be shared.
 
 
There’s no hope in my eyes to find happiness where once my heart found joy and smiles.  Tears form to pour a river.  Now sadness lies upon a pure soul.  Goodbye to love or happiness within this life.
 
 
 
The world crashes around a pure heart.  Never will it look upon the rising or setting of the sun again. A walk in the spring rain will never feel the same.  A new appreciation is what a heart has when life is seeming to fade and be drained from breath it takes.
 
 
 
The clouds roll as the thunder echoes through the skies because tonight an angel has fallen victim to life.  But will anyone notice that she’s gone?
 
 
 
Darkness surrounds the very being that I should be.  The light around me dims upon the coldness that over comes me.  Life pushes for what is beyond its reach.  Even words have become a mystery far out of grasp.  Nothing and worth becomes enslaved to hurting and meaningless hearts that dissipate like the seasons that change into hopelessness.
 
 
 
As my body begins to drain of all hope and feeling shivering with layers of clothing upon it.  Life force draining to be no more.  ~kisses you as if for last time curling in your arms~.  There’s nothing left I can’t hold on any more as there is no hope.  Goodnight forever M’Lord.  Thank you.  I’m sorry that I’ve failed you yet once again.
 
 
 
A heart lied to and destroyed from being naive to believe.  Hope is no longer there.  It bleeds in the end.  It’s giving up since no one cares.  This is it I will no longer live in despair.  Life sucked from a living being cause alone is its destiny.  Goodbye to loves once known.  In the wind it flies free.  Life never needed me. ~tears streaming as I now let go.  I won’t be missed only forgotten upon the myst~.
 
 
 
 
 
 
The full moon shining upon a heart that hurt a friend, lover, protector.  This heart in pieces from the lie it told.  It hurt someone who deserved more.  Now it lies alone with its own turmoil.  Forgiveness it asks for and is yet unknown.  It understands not only why it couldn’t have physical yet knows it was for purposes untold.  He loved this heart even when others threw it away.  How can this heart be whole again?
 
 
 
Darkness surrounds the light like the decent into a cave.  Hope is lost as life begins to fade.  Beauty loses its meaning since it can’t be found.  A woman only a disease that kills all around.  She falls apart and no one’s there to catch her.  There’s no faith to be given.  Her husband is unfaithful.  Caring and love diminish from her being.
 
 
 
Pain vibrates through me like lightening in the sky.  Tears well up in my eyes and I hide.  There is no choice because others ignore my pain.  I know now that I’ll suffer that pain alone. 
 
 
 
I was strong, safe, secure, and confident and now I’m nothing.  I’ve become the storm cloud rather than the sun.  The puddle rather than the bridge.  The demon rather than the angel.  I’m the one not worth being near or with.  The one’s feelings and emotions that go unheard or pushed aside.  My tears are worth nothing nor is my pain.  To die would be a blessing but enduring heartache, pain and deceit is all this being deserves.
 
 
 
Wandering pondering of thoughts of sweet nothingness.  Feelings running down this empty train.  Decisions only I can make.  But what does it take to be me?  I contemplate taking a last breath to end pain and suffering of all around me but courage eludes me of what I must do.  Some say that taking my last breath is cowardess.and selfish but how is stopping pain any of that?  Maybe I feel nothing or maybe too much.  If being so non understanding of who a person is cause you don’t know about them gives you the right to judge then my being has no place among the breathing.
 
 
 
Pain vibrates through my inner being.  Pain of wanting you near me.  To touch me in every place that’s unknown in this galaxy.  Pleasure growing within.  Sensing the tip of your manhood caressing my hot moist mound.  Your tongue flicking each nipple as you plunge deep inside of me.  My moans growing louder as you bring me to ecstasy.
False friends

 
 
False friends with lies and betrayals.  Nothing true in a world spinning out of control.  Head spinning out of control.  There’s no where to turn and no where to go.  Learning that I’m in a world of lies, sorrow, and despair.  A place that I have never belonged.  The days drag into nights like cars on a drag strip.  Nothing making sense in a world of loneliness.


Lost
Lost within a world of hatred and despair.
There is no where to turn and no where to run
Roses wilt even on a spring day
There is not enough rain to quench my thirst
Thunder echoes through the silence that I hear
Lightening doesn’t even begin to brighten the darkness around me
I am losing control and there is no one there to catch me
I feel the air around me as I begin the decent from the sky
The concrete seeming so far away
I just want it all to end
The lies and accusing eyes need to disappear
Games were fun at a time but now they have become hurtful
I can’t deal any more
Let me wilt and die like the leaves in the fall
I know that I am no one to anybody
What I say hasn’t mattered in so many days
The years drift by like the seasons changing
There is no time to get used to anything any longer
My life is driven by the hate that lives in me
That will never change or it will change me
I need to find that lonely place to belong and not be judged
But where is it?
Is there a place of serenity to find that peace we all look for?
Is this all just a dream that we drift through until happiness is found?
Days go by
 
Days grow long and cold as a woman treads through the trenches of a dreary heartache.  A heart pure like wintry snow. Hair as black as the midnight star struck sky.  Loving and caring for all around.  Asking and wanting very little from life that flutters around her like the soft delicate wings of a butterfly.  Destined to find a place to belong within a world of darkness, hatred, pain, and selfishness. Where does a fallen angel find a place among the chaos of disrespect?  Does this woman deserve to belong no where or be appreciated for the things that she tries to do for others?



Questions

 I sit alone crying but why?
Is there no need to concern thy own self?
Why do you need to cause such pain?
Was my heart not worth caring for?
Was everything about this fallen angel to much for you to handle?
You said you wouldn’t leave and run yet why are you running now?
Why did you have to lie to me?
Can you not face the truth that the abuse was really that bad?
Was it to hard for you to take precautions and use a light hand?
Was my apology just too much for you to take?
My questions deserve answers now will you answer them?


Raging War of the Heart

 My heart sits pounding out a song in rhythm
A rhythm to the sound of a war it rages upon itself
Thunder shuddering through my veins
Lightening making my aura grow brighter
Stars falling like a comet shooting through the sky
Skin milkier than that of the Milky Way
There is no end in sight for the raging war
Silence begins to grow as the sounds of nature die
Hair becoming that of the days of fall
Changing colors until it slowly fades away
Darkness surrounds the eyes the color of rain
No spark or song to any longer sing
The heart breaks for reasons unknown
Loving a person that will never know
Hating it self because of what it has become
Before this heart was full of love and compassion
Now it rings only pain and destruction
The heart has reached to the limits and back
Knowing that it is ignored it continues to try
In the end the feelings never change
This is the raging war of the heart
 
 
Tears of Heartache
 
The tears fall like rain in the spring for a love hidden deep as a corpse buried in the sea.  To tell him would be to push him away like a kite in the wind.  I am lost with feelings of love like debris flying upon the crowded streets. Storms upon the ocean waves crashing around a heart. Thunder echoes through the ears of the deaf as lightening flashes on eyes of the blind.  Missing the tenderness of a heartbeat that feels my senses with aromas of rose gardens.  Longing for that slight touch that slivers through my body like a snake through the tumbleweeds of the desert.  Reaching towards the wounded heart that pulls away like the anchor upon a ship.  A fight to reel him in like a trout on a fishing rod.  One wounded heart reaching for the other to hold each other down from blowing away amongst the winds in the eye of a tornado.

Emotional Tidal Wave

 
A lonely heart in torment and sorrow like the galaxy in the universe of stars yet unborn.  Sadness seen with the eyes blue like a clear summer sky.  Lost in fear and tears and my words fall upon deaf ears.  I’m screaming within the silence yet no sound is escaping these trembling lips.  My eyes need to dry from the stormy days that need to pass.  Wanting it to end but still there is no end in sight for the earthquake upon my knees.
 
Betrayed like storm clouds closing in just to release pain and destruction.  Anger builds inside like a contractor builds the skyline above city streets.  Wanting to lash out and bring pain to others the way they’ve brought it to my innocent heart.  Wounds start to heal as if covered by the band-aid of hope just to be reopened by the carving knife on Thanksgiving Day.  When does all the pain stop just to feel comfort within one’s self?  Is hurt, suffering, and sorrow all that this body will ever feel while it gives love to other’s around it?
 
Insides shattering like glass hitting the floor.  Silence falling like air through the dark night sky.  Only loneliness to fill my eyes during the midnight slumber.   Stopping I wait to see what will come next.  Still nothing to bring my heart back to peace of long ago upon the sands of time.
 
 
The moon shines down upon the oceans horizon as the rain splashes the surface as a baby does in the pools childhood playtime.  We grow and blossom into adults only to lose what innocence we once had.  Losing faith as one loses their virginity to love just to long for the innocence of a childhood memory that rides the Milky Way of time in a galaxy forgotten.
 
 
 
It’s hard to find such a pure and true heart that can love until every breath is gone.  To know what you have you must lose it first.  A heart breaks like thunder through a dark sky of an Apache Tear.  However the lightening flashes through the ocean blue eyes of a lonely soul. A soul lost to never feel the kind of love it gives to the one it loves so purely.
 
 
 
He walked by like a shadow on the ground.  As a storm conjured through words of hate.  Pain he brings through slamming her against the cold hard cement wall.  Fear driving through my heart like the steel of a medieval sword.  Trembling with tears of rain flowing over my eyes.  His lips fall of hate like fire in a blazing pit upon my skin.  Wanting to die like a dying rose in the fall.  My razor sharp teeth puncturing his coal black skin, my torment finally has come to an end.
 
 
 
The skies where the heavens meets the Earth were gloomy from deceit.  Nothing could calm the tidal waves of emotions flowing from the finger tips of the insane.  She’s a stick to be broken and buried in the sands of hell.  There will be no sunlight until the deceit within this corrupted world finds it’s destiny from my fists of anger and pain.  Lightening bolts have threatened these blue eyes of clear summer skies.  She deserves to burn like coals on the grill of fire.  No respect is in her grasps.  A Queen Bee she has pissed off and it’s ready to sting.
 
 
His smile is genuine and sincere as his gaze graces her presence.  He looks at her heart through the lines she has drawn from the image above.  He kneels to play for others things he used to play for me and has no longer found it in himself to do any longer.  Tonight he has pride with children and beauty.  Pride that he has lost in his eyes for me and I know not why.  Pain is in my heart for now I know that he will never be mine.  I just wish that once he would look my way and really want to.  To show any love in the glances that he steals from time to time.  I need something inside and out that it seems now I will never find.  All my joy is slipping away as I have begun to fade into the nothingness that all has seen.  Time to walk away but without the strength to do so any more.  So now my heart will suffer from something I can’t have in this galaxy of a roller coaster that we call life.
 
 
 
 
He’ll never notice the pain in my eyes from what is shared and hidden.  He hides from me and all within himself.  Tears build as I sit and write from his ignorance of pain and heartache.  Never will he share himself with me.  He no longer shares my words of the heart with me nor does he even try.  I know not what to do without his glances any more nor does my heart know how to deal with his ignoring presence while I’m in the same room with him.
 
 
 
 
Overcasts cover a heart that belongs no where. Tears of ice flow from the hurt that resides deep inside. There seems to be nothing to hold a heart together in the end. Fear trembles through veins from wince blood ran free. Shivers shudder down a spine no longer able to bear the weight of burden it carries.
 
 
 
Sunsets like diamonds in gold. Silver sparkles like tinsel on the Christmas tree. The light blinding like angels in the clouds rays of hope stinging like a jellyfish floating in the sea. There is no tomorrow for like broke soul destiny showing it’s face like a shadow upon the sidewalk. The gleam is ocean blue eyes fade to darkness like the night sky. Only clouds surround me now.
 
 
 
Alcohol runs through my veins like water through the faucets of time. A heart trying to be of stone but breaks like glass upon the rocks of time. The corals of colors upon the floor of an ocean glimmers the words that flow from my lips. Love like whispers upon leaves blowing in the wind during the fall. Nothing yet everything wrong upon the mind of a fallen angel.
 
 
 
 
Silence begins to echo through the heart pure and broken. A mind losing a battle against reality. A scent of vanilla fills the air that I breathe. Her voice like angels singing. Her eyes holding so much of the universe with every sparkle that shines. Hair golden like spun silk. Skin soft and gentle as a breeze upon my face. I long to hold her near me again but she is lost to me in the end.
 
 
 
Days grow long and cold as a woman treads through the trenches of dreary heartache. A heart pure like wintry snow. Hair as black as the midnight star struck sky. Loving and caring for all around, Asking and wanting very little from life that flutters around her like the soft delicate wings of a butterfly. Destined to find a place to belong within a world of darkness, hatred, pain, and selfishness. Where does a fallen angel find a place among the chaos of disrespect? Does this woman deserve to belong no where or be appreciated for the things she tries to do for others?
 
 
 
Emotions spiraling like a cork from a wine bottle. Tears fall from reasons unknown. Conversations rattle around and I have no part in them. This road winding like a tape in a player. Existing but never seen. Words spoken and never heard. Knowing that there is no place for me to be. My life shortens each day still I have no place. Searching for something that seems to never be found.  Excitement doesn’t reside within me and I have no way to find it. So here I am fading to my last breath. A last breath that all will forget.
 
 
Two sides of a coin. A rose sings so sweet with the scent of confusion. Leary of everything cause nothings what it seems. Two faces of deception and a mind has lost its state of sanity. Now will be the same for a coin with two sides of confusion.
 
 
 
She is the side everyone dreads to see. There is no sunshine when her presence is felt. Energy is wasted to subdue the evil that becomes her. The glass silently crushes beneath the fee of those that run upon air. There seems to be no escape from the demon she will be. She is destined to damn a pure heart to an eternity in hell where the fires burn high and scorch the flesh of anything pure and good. She has become an evil so unspeakable that fleeing becomes easier than suffering the pain she inflicts upon those around her.
 
 
Time drifts so slowly like a snail. Then as time drifts it becomes so irrelevant of material things. Everything becomes clearer of what should be important. You do the best with what you have and learn to cherish those closest to you. Money isn’t important but the love you give and receive. My life is short but I leave knowing I loved and was loved in return.
 
 
 
Life drifts by like rain upon the window. As love grows in hearts it also dies like leaves in the fall. Nothing was made to last until the end. As the stars light falls and the moon’s glow changes nothing lasts. As dreams become reality they are also ripped from us just as a heart can be ripped apart. Yet one’s smile seems to be all that will remain.
 
 
 
Laughter fills the air like a reminisce of a playground. Yet silence still surrounds me. My skin crawls like bugs on a wall. Skin tearing like a snake shedding. There seems to be no peace to find. There seems to be no walls to hide behind. The end is there but I can’t touch. Even a new beginning is in sight yet I can’t feel it. My body wanting to give but my mind won’t allow it nor will the people around me.
 
Fear is not that of which you see but hidden far beneath. It can’t be explained with words but only seen by one’s actions and expressions. No matter how one can write with words that flow like waterfalls flowing from finger tips still it can’t be seen. Fear can’t be felt by another like rain. People don’t realize how much fear is really around. Most ignore fear thinking it will dissipate like dew drops upon the spring grass. Yet fear remains and surrounds all around.
 
 
 
Nothing makes sense in a world of existence that is flooded with judgment and hate. There’s no comfort in smiles or pain. There’s no pay at the end of a long hard day. There’s no place for a wandering lost soul. Wings are broken and one can’t fly. Words of encouragement only denied. I’m lost and broken there’s no hope now.
 
 
 
It courses through the river in my veins and is never seen. Contact becomes containment to all around me. Fear drives them away before it takes them. A time to live turns to tragedy as life has no meaning. Wanting what is denied I lie in waiting for the end as another river sheds. 
 
 
 
Where are true friends when you need them? Do they run away and hide in the brush like a snake in the grass?  Do they reach out only when you do not need them like a murder of crows? Are they only there to pick you apart like vultures upon the desert ground while the flaming sun scorches your skin? True friends are really never there when you need them.
 
 
 
Lost with a heart pure as the winter snow. Bleeding inside amongst the chaos that surrounds me. Feeling worthless without accomplishment. Learning to accept there is no help for the weak.  Weak as a helpless animal striving to survive then let’s death overcome its very being. Hopeless cause change will never come only when it’s too late. Outside I’m smiling but inside I’m dying while the jagged blade thrusts deep into my soul.
 
 
 
Where does a heart draw the line? Will it always sacrifice its own happiness for others to be happy? Will it always be a rug to be walked upon without regard? There are days this heart struggles along the wild vines to beat a rhythm. Other days its rhythm becomes faint and wants to be molded within the Earth’s soil. A heart is a diamond as precious as the midnight sky. One that should be cherished as that of a smiling child. Take the key that I have given thee and guard it with a flaming torch. If thou should give it back then no breath shall I breathe. Then I’ll only be a whisper upon the wind.
 
 
 
One day I’ll be gone and your happiness will take you through galaxies unexplored so seize the moment on my next song and make it yours. As it is for you both. I can sing it without him but it’s you both completely.
 
 
 
Soul mates ripped apart by promises to be kept. Hearts denied a destiny deserved. A love had to only be pushed aside. A third heart not wanting to deny. Giving the other hearts a desire that has grown into flames that light a midnight sky. The third heart willing to step aside. Knowing what loving a heart that you can’t touch will do to the beauty of the soul.Grey skies cast shadows over the summer day as my heart is in turmoil and conflict.I’m lost and wilting away in despair. My pedals are falling around me. Storm clouds surround me. Teetering with the dangers time has bestowed on the wings.Tears flow like a sparkling raging waterfall. A heart shattered with loss and despair. A loss of love and friends has broken this fallen angels wing. Peace is all I need.If a raindrop was a kiss I’d send you a storm. If a smile was water I’d send you the sea. If you need a lover and companion I’ll send you me.A child is the dream of the future. A gem shining like the ocean in the starlight. The promise of everything good in a mother’s heart. A bond of courage to always carry on. The tears of joy and happiness that is only see in the eyes of a mother with love. A love priceless and can’t be destroyed even when miles have set them apart.Loneliness consumes me sometimes even when I’m surrounded. The only sounds I hear come from inside a box or my head. Longing for silence to end and promises of living to begin. I’m drowning from inside this cage. My words cutting like a knife in a game. There’s no contact amongst so called friends unless a Master be around. In the end I won’t have lived but been lonely again.In life some were meant to be happy while others were only meant to happy helping others. How does one find happiness when helping others is taken away? A life mission no longer existing. The little things of enjoyment disappearing as though they never were. Memories gone to never be thought of again. Scents not scared because they were never smelled. A touch forgotten form fear of pain. Nothing matters because it’s not the same.Twisting and turning trying to live a life of pleasure only for it to never have existed. Pain and body shutting down and taking the things I enjoy away. No reasons to smile or laugh. Singing with no meaning. Stuck in a room expecting to be happy but unhappiness and ridicule is all I find. There is no change or light. There is no rainbow in sight.Shadows grow dark around me like the coffin I’m laid in. Energies flow wild like blood from open veins. No longer me but only the stranger underneath. I’m not real but what inhabits me. Tonie isn’t free but a prisoner in me. The presence is strong of death and decay.A fallen angel crashes to the ground like bricks hitting the ocean floor. She bounces as if she’s jumping upon feathered pillows. Her wings broken with blood spreading like a plague swarming over Egypt. There’s no end to her pain and suffering. A heart torn apart like storms destroying the crops.Rivers well upon the bright blue sky. A heart shattering like glass upon stone. Dreams struck down by lightening through the sky. A body never to be whole with the spirit within. A spirit to never soar.The pain of loss overwhelming to the heart of uncertainty. Tears shed a river rushing to an ocean of calamity and purity. Blue shies fade to grey with unpleasant thoughts of life that wouldn’t breathe. Life that never cradled next to a nurturing bosom of love and smiles. The days of breathing numbered just to never nurture and love a new born life again. Bleeding only like a dying rose inside.My heart aches from pain inflicted by my soul mate. Inside I’m dying to never be whole again. Goodbye love for I’ll never forget what we shared. Always Mistress Anna’s lost love.My heart breaks like shattering glass. No relief from the endless pain. Dying by drainage of blood is the only way the pain will be gone. Hurting inside is all I’m worth.Pain vibrates through my inner being. Pain of wanting you near me. To touch me in every place that’s unknown in this galaxy. Pleasure growing within. Sensing the tip of your man hood caressing my hot moist opening. Your tongues flicking each nipple as you plunge deep inside me. My moans growing louder as you bring me to ecstasy.A heart is nothing more than a tile laid upon the cold hard ground. Though fragile it survives the wear and tear it goes through daily. It can be broken and mended but not without scars left behind. It can be thrown out with the trash when it no longer belongs with another. It cries tears of blood even though another will never understand. Another gives no chance to what’s opened up in front of it. Looking through another as it glass upon the windowsill. Blowing air not felt on a summer’s day. Once again this hearts been thrown away.The world’s a dark and dreary place of hatred and confusion. A butterfly stuck between worlds now suffocates only to be conformed.The sky changes color with the setting of the sun at dusk. Leaves have begun fading from green as the seasons drift by. Dawn becomes a time to dance amongst the crashing waves. A heart once dying strives to blossom a myst the rain. Words flow forth to forget the pain of yesterday. A new break of breathe flows upon the breeze that brings hope and light into eyes so blue.Feet don’t fail me now. Heart be strong and don’t crumble. Mind be there and don’t leave. Souls fly me to a place I can be free. Passion be true to love.The days have grown short like stars in a city sky. Tears raging like ocean waves upon the rocky cliffs. A heart breaks for love it leaves behind. A journey starting anew for a child that’s terrified. Horizon’s taken to the North when still a part of that heart remains in the South where thoughts became clear.My heart breaks like ice from the sky. Blood flows like a raging rapid river. The days grow dim like stars fading in the galaxy. My wings attempt to help me fly yet falling is all I do. My vision blurs with a milky residue. Inside I grow numb as feelings grow blue.~Crying rivers as tears flow from the sky. My dreams fade into distant memories as the knife twists into my heart. I will fade until there’s nothing left to savage. I wasn’t meant to have a dream come true. My feathers have been plucked and never again shall I fly. ~

i just dont know
Nothing ever seems to change no matter what I do.  I feel like that 3 year old back at her gradmother's house being blamed for everything that her brother has done. I try and nothing I seem to do will ever be right.  When do I get that break in life where I am allowed to be happy and not be blamed for everything?  Is everything around me always going to be my fault regardless of what it is?  When I am wrong I will admit it. As a submissive I take my punishments without question.  As a wife I didn't do anything right either otherwise maybe I wouldn't be getting a divorce. Cause to him it was my fault that he cheated.  My children have nothing to do with me because other people have refused to take the blame for what they have done to keep me from my children's lives.  I am getting sick and tired of everything. I am not suppose to be walking and yet everyday I do even though it is painful.  I live  after cancer even though I was supposed to already be dead.  I am here and strong in my own ways each day.  Nothing is the same always with me.  I've only wanted the best for people in my life and for myself but it is looking like the best for anyone in my life is for me to not be around.
 
feeling
Inside and out I feel as though I am losing.  Losing with myself and losing with life.  Nothing seems to make any sense in all this turmoil that we call like.  I feel as though I am falling through the air without anything to break that fall.  My wings broken and I can't return from once I came.  Tears start flowing like waterfalls upon the rocky caves.  My heart breaking like shattering glass upon the cement floor.  I am twisting and turning with no where to go.  I am giving things up to better me yet inside I seem to be feeling guilty.  I don't want to make mistakes in decisions any more nor hurt anyone.  Not knowing what is going on inside of me makes any relationship hard.  I left my girlfriend tonight and have decided that being friends is for the best until my emotions are under control and there is no more trust issues or jealousy issues with her.  I love her and I would and will do anything for her.  Even my ex that I am submissive to was let go.  I can't do this with them any more and I am having to many things go on at once that my head of thoughts is ready to explode.
 
y me
Each day I sit back and I watch as the storm clouds form.  The tears flooding my eyes as the the blue of each day disappears into the grey of storms.  Lightening begins to flash from no where.  Taking over as the emotions begin to flow from place that I never knew existed.  I don't know how to feel or what to do or even where to go from here.  Everything inside seems as though it wants to die and never return. There was a time when there was no tears or frowns.  Now on most days there are only tears and sadness with despair and an uncomfortable glare to only wonder where I belong.  I don't know what to do.  I love purely and with everything that I have.  When it seems as though I have it all I begin to feel it slip away and fall to someone else.  I watch the disrespect float around and tear me up inside.  I don't know what is true or even real any more.  Blurred visions overtake all that I am inside.  I want to run and never return but to hurt another isn't in me.  I said I would live in a cardboard box for her as long as she was there.  To give a child to her so that what she wants becomes reality so she is happy once again even though it kills everything that I am inside.  Now with a possible child I don't know what to do.  I sit here right now and watch her smile and hear her laugh and just wish it was me who has made her this way.  I don't exsit except when others want something.  I can't do anything and it hurts me.  So many storms have just flooded me in ways that no one should be flooded.  I will give everything that someone wants just to see them smile and be happy.  I will sacrifice to give all of me regardless of what it does to me and when it all falls around me I will stand again and repeat.  I can tell my story and watch the surprise on anyone's face just to wonder how can my heart and soul still love.  To wonder where it all comes from.  I can't say where it's from or why it's even there.  All I know is there aren't roses in my future but they will be given often over the years and never be regretted. I am not the typical person nor will I ever be.  I was only meant to be a gem to give give give and never have anything for me.  I would put diamonds from the sky upon her silk skin never wondering where it will take me.  However right now at this minute I just want to be alone with my fear and pain.
 
 
it hurts
Love is that of an emotion that hurts.  Cutting like a knife so deep leaving scars that never seem to heal.  His love was deeper than any ocean that runs through the core.  A scent of purity that leaves you begging and longing for more.  I fell hard and fast for a heart that chooses to ignore.  I'm left high drying like leaves falling to the floor.  I've become lost within a love that will never be.
 Waiting

I lie upon this bed waiting for your arms to embrace me once more. Your heart was always pure and kind even when mine held hatred inside.  How do I ever get back things I cherished the most just to push them away?  I loved you and I couldn't handle you loving me back yet I wanted it.  Your love grew like roses in the spring.  Your scent that of pure innocence.  You never seen the flaws only enhanced on what was true and pure.  I never wanted to hurt you and now I'm missing you and only wish that you were here with me even for a moment.  To feel the safety of arms of warmth and a loving embrace.  I don't know how to go on without you a constant in my life.  You were everything to me and now that your gone I feel lost and alone with nothing to spare.  I love you with a passion that will always burn for only you cuz for another it would only be blue. 
 Impulses

Impulses rage through a being uncontrolled.  Nothing can be rash during a time a women is in need.  Desires withheld for fear of a rejection beyond control.  Fantasies denied never to be told.  A longing clenches deep within so rage rises upon the storm within.  Regret of swords spoken better left unsaid.  Pain deep like the double edged knife.
 Unexpected turns

Life takes unexpected turns when we least expect the tidal waves.  People come and go bringing forth the sun then the clouds of storms.  Each turn we make becomes unknown.  Tears begin to form as the realization comes to mind that you've let the perfect one slip away.  The smiles have begun to fade as strangers we've became.  The storms have begun to settle upon a heart of regret.  Nothing is the way the cards had foretold.  A life turns to shambles as everything fallsaway from these blue eyes as I know inside that you were the only way I could envision myself soul of hatred with unexpected turns have lead this wandering angel to lifes end.  in terror is the place I find myself to be.

Life as it is

As life resembles the mysteries within I find myself searching deep inside a lost soul.  Decisions become clear as the haze of yesterday begins to raise.  My life seemed so hard yet it was I that made things so much harder than they needed to be.  I pushed and pushed then I pushed everyone I cared about away.  I wanted things so bad but I tried to hard and started to be someone I wasn't.  I realize that no one really knew me and I never really knew those I met.  It wasn't anyone's loss but my own.  There are so many wonderful people that I have met and yet knowing nothing about them has been my regret.  I didn't believe within myself and if I could have been true to me and accepted things for what they were then things would be so different in my life.  Hopefully as my words reach the eyes of true friends they will understand that I screwed myself up and I cheated myself of all the  opportunities I could have had.  To apologize would be an insult to everyone that has felt the paon that I have caused.  So hopefully within these words you will find me attempting to redeem myself inside and out.
Eternity

An eternity passes as time slips by like seasons come to pass.  Your smile has faded even from memories of yesterday as I'm erased from times shared.  The rain pours upon only me as others feel the warmth of sun that is you.  Forgiven is not what has to be done as solitude becomes death of innocence pure and free.
 
 
Death Within

The rain pours upon the windows like a river of blood.  My heart aching not feeling your touch.  To be apart is torture upon my soul.  Death is a blessing if I'd never see you again.  Love soaring upon the eagle filled sky while inside I'm dying without you by my side.
It was all a joke

I came to have a good time and spend time with someone that seemed to have wanted me around for my birthday.  The first 3 days were great and since Monday everything seems to have been a joke.  Everything he told me has been a lie.  He wonders why I don't love on him or show affection and it's because that damn phone is his life.  I gave mine up to be here.  He seems to think that it was alright to make me choose between him and my best friend and seems to think my best friends words are what is coming between us and in all reality what's doing it is him.  He is allowing someone's words and protective manner affect how and what he does with me.  I have told him I can't do this and that it is too much.  I am hopefully back on a bus Monday to return home.  Some birthday huh?

My love
Pure of heart and soul he flew in like the wind from the North.  His heart like mine in ways that not even I can explain.  He became that knight in shining armor that every woman dreams will save her from the destruction of a world so cruel and unkind.  Dreams that were only fantasy for so long have started coming true.  Finally have I found the things in life that I can cherish and deserve?  Will he finally show me what love is and how to love others in ways that have always eluded me?  How can this finally be happening to me?  Have I finally done the right things and made the right choices that those above have finally noticed me and gave me something and someone deserving of a fallen angel?  My love has grown deep for a man I barely know and fear rises everyday wondering if he will finally turn into that monster that all others have shown in time.  I expect what always has been yet stay open minded enough to know that maybe this time things will be different because I have finally gotten what I have longed for my entire life.
Alone

 
I sit alone listening to the silence of my tears as they flow like rivers from blue skies.  The sound of my voice just thunder echoing through the hollowness of the empty room.  My heart shattering like glass upon the cold hard ground of winter from the hurt that I have inflicted upon a love I have loss.  The daylight poison like the venom from a black widow striking its prey.  The moon losing its glow as each day comes to an end.  The empty space beside no fault but my own.  I long to have him near me as my skin grows cold.  A love had is now a love lost from words that never should have been spoken.  As boxes get packed and lives rearranged nothing said or done can be erased.  His love was pure and kind as the rain on summer’s day.  I took it for granted and misjudged what was give.  In the end I’ve caused a loneliness that I can never explain.

the power of love
There is no thinking person who can stand untouched today
And view the world around us drifting downward to decay
Without feeling deep within them a silent unnamed dread,
Wondering how to stem the chaos that lies frightfully ahead...
But the problems we are facing cannot humanly be solved
For our diplomatic strategy only gets us more involved
And our skillful ingenuity, our technology, and science
Can never change a sinful heart filled with hatred and defiance...
So out problems keep on growing every hour of every day
As man cainly tries to solve them in his own self-willed way...
But man is powerless alone to clean up the world outside
Until his own polluted soul is clean and free inside...
For the amazing power of love is beyond all comprehension
And it alone can heal this world of its hatred and dissension.
 
the magic of love
Love is like magic and it always will be, for love still remains life's sweet mystery!
Love works in ways that are wonderous and strange and there's nothing in life that love cannot change!
Love can transform the most commonplace into beauty and splendor and sweetness and grace!
Love is unselfish, understanding, and kind, for it sees with its heart and with its mind!
Love is the answer that everyone seeks-
Love is the language that everyone speaks-
Love can't be bought, it is priceless and free,
Love like pure magic is a sweet mystery!
 
poetry
Whispers in the wind flood thoughts of sin.  Blood flows freely like showers in the Spring.  Life like the changing leaves in the Fall.  Certainty as uncertain as teh paths we follow.  Love no longer blossoms with the Spring Showers.
 
Yesterday thou heart was shattered.  Today thou heart is upon a chest of ice.  Tomorrow thou heart will begin to heal.  In time thou heart shall be mine.  Thy loves thee with a pure breeze.  Come be thine in eternity.
 
I love you sexy.  My heart is yours and the key belongs to you.  Whatever may come of us I'll always be here for you.  My love for you will always grow regardless of where we go in life.  Many things and people have been masks of deciet. Trust is earned and so is the love and heart of a true man.  I know the pain and hurt within your heart and I understand why it is hard for you to get close to anyone even me.  I just hope in time those walls and barriers will melt and allow me to earn ur trust and win your heart.  I love you and please find it in urself to know that love is pure, ture, sincere, devoted, and growing each day even with miles between us.  Anything you ask of me I will do.  Just be honest always with me and learn to trust me.  Hugs and kisses cowboy.
 
How do you love when skies turn grey?  What once was blue is now clouded and cold.  Love seems to have evaded me.  I lay here drenched in tears of loss despair. Today is the beginning of something unaware.  Changes unfold and darkness finally flees from within.  Maybe now this rose will bring smiles again.
 
The flames dance around as the waters waves dance upon the wind.  Everything so unreal.  The heat rises as it would when your brought to extasy with a lover.  I don't feel whole any more even with the serenity of flames around me.  I need to be complete yet I'm lost to defeat.
 
ranting
It is hard to deal with life when all it ever does is deal a hand so unbearable that most just want to die.  We have children and pray and hope against all odds that they turn out right.  In the end we never have any control of any of that.  We do everything that we can to install the right codes of ethics and morals just to watch them turn out the way we never planned.  My oldest daughter just turned 18 a week ago and her entire life she has thought that she is grown.  The day after her birthday I found out that she had already moved away from my parents house and is engaged.  Of course I know that I should be happy for her but in the end I am really happy for her or something else?  I have only done what I have thought to be the best for any of my children just to find out that my children think that I have never wanted them.  I am confused and just wish that there was someone out there that understood what I am going through and knows what I am experiencing with my children.  It seems to me that I am alone and I just don't know what to do or even say.  My daughter is saying that I am dead to her and that she wants nothing to do with me.  I know that she feels that I have let her down and that I was never there.  I just know that if she would ever take the time to listen to me and really listen not with just her ears but with her heart that she would understand why I have done what I done.  I gave my children up out of love and what I thought was best for them.  I wanted them to have everything that I couldn't give them and I never wanted them to go without the way the would have with me.  For that I am faulted and it isn't an easy thing to accept.  Right now nothing is seeming real. My daughter and I was close and used to be like best friends and since that has ended I have felt lost without control or a completeness that used to be there.  I just don't know what to do any more.  If there is anyone that understands and can relate to how I feel and what I am going through please help me. 
 
time
Time stands still as memories of yesterday flood the imagination.  I sit and ponder all that has transpired through time interrupted.  I loved and lost and still I've gotten no where.  Children become only memories that can never be recovered.  Pain holds it's self like glue to a fly trap.  Within the lost soul I begin to lose control.  I've lost a way that only I knew.  So many years ago I laughed and played and now I just sit pondering yesterday.  I don't know what has went wrong.  I don't know how I went astray.  I've lost the way just like when Angels wings break and they fall.  I don't know where to go or what to do any more.  Every word that lingers on the wind has become mysteries in the end.  My mind is flooding with tears of emotions.  Nothing seems to be able to save me now.  I see what is, what was, and what will be and only fear stops me from shattering the glass that is beneath me.  There is no breeze to carry me on and help show the way.  I guess in the end a lost soul I will stay. 

Time is to heal all the pain.  Even this year it is hard.  I smell her very scent and remember the day they took her away.  Her eyes were as blue as the summer sky.  Her skin as soft as silk.  It's hard to know that this emptiness inside was caused by someone who said they loved me and yet all they did is destroy the happiness I felt.  It sickens me to know that still today after 12 years I still can't let go.  She was everything to me and the loss tears me apart.  My love grows each passing moment for her.  Nothing I do makes it easier.  I know that she isn't mine any more physically but she is still apart of me and that I can not nor will not let go.  I think of her often.  I still see that smile and hear that laugh.  I remember everything about her.  There was no imperfections upon her.  She was and is still perfect to me.  She helped me keep my sanity.  Now each day I know that my sanity is gone.  Tears flood my eyes and most days I wish that I could die.  My life is still here and my soul holds on to what I don't know.  I just hope that when she finds out that I am here there will be no hate and that she will understand I wanted her and fought for her.  I did everything that I could but to no avail.  Mystic baby girl I love you and you are and always will be my little miracle.  You are the life people stole from me and I know that inside you are why I hold on to the breathe I still breath.     
 
 
 
 
 
art     I draw and I write on occassion. I can draw basically anything that I look at. I sit down to draw for the man I love and get my feelings hurt and not even by him. I work hard at what I do when I draw and to most the have me in there life my work is top quality. Today I did a drawing and even though it came from a picture that I was looking at I ended up making it completely my own and noone would be able to say that it is just something that I looked at. Granted when I draw my work has a personality of it's own and it comes to life. Over several hours the drawing grew and became something that for the first time I thought was amazing. I never thought much of my art work hell not even for me writing for that matter. But today this was different. I made something grow before my eyes and was amazed and wouldn't have minded finally posting it and showing it off. However after two pictures of it being taken from the beginning and as it grew someone that is suppose to care decided to say that all I did was fuck it up because before I made it grow it was perfect. I wasn't happy with it until it became mine. Hell it was amazing that someone is thinking bout getting the beginning of it put as a tattoo and someone just fucked it all up for me. I never want to draw again and that hurt the man I love. I never want to hurt him. I take critisim hard and to heart. I just don't want someone to lie to me and say something that isn't true. I don't do many things very good and I know this. It just seems that over the past couple of days all I do is fuck up everything that I touch or do. I am being put down for everything and now I just give up and don't want to write poetry or even draw ever again. It just doesn't seem worth it to me to be put down and stomped in the ground. I know that I have a talent that most don't have. So many that I meet here have the skills to code and do everything for a lounge or even make their own backgrounds and that isn't something that I will be able to ever do or even be good at. However drawing is something that happens on rare occassions and those that love and adore my art will now suffer and never see anything that I ever do again.  he says goodbye  
He searched for me but only after I had gone.  He begged me to come back into his life and just to love him.  Now he is engaged and his new whatever decideds to do the one thing that he hates control who is in his life.  How am I to respond to such hatred?  I know what he wanted in his life cause that is all that we ever talked about.  Just taking walks down memory lane were something I missed with him.  I asked him shortly after we connected again what he missed most about me.  His response is one that I will never forget.  He said and I quote "I miss your hugs and the way you always looked in my eyes when talking to me and that meant the most."  We dated for only a short time and then 8 years later I became his sister in law.  His last words he said to me when I last saw him on Dec. 15, 1998 was if you hurt my brother I will hurt you.  And now his new whatever wants me out of his life.  I don't know what to do.  Losing him is losing the best friend a girl could ever want.  Do I still hold a flame for him in my heart?  Yeah I guess I do.  I only want what is best for him and never will I stand in his way of happiness or what he would choose to do.  But how in the hell can he get with what he keeps trying to get away from.  I told him I would be with him but he never jumped on it.  I guess he still doesn't know what he wants or what will make him happy.  I have and always will be there for him but I guess when he chooses to come back I will just have to guard an already broken heart and make him work and earn the right to be back in my life.  I can't let him hurt and try to destroy everything good that I work so hard for.
 
 
he slips away
He slips away as in his life begins to weaken his very being.  I never signed up to watch someone die.  I signed up only to help and show someone how to live.  He hasn't lived a full and deserving life yet and I need and want him to have that.  There is still so much he has to do and show himself.  I know that he wants to fight the darkness that surrounds him inside and it is wearing on the very being that he is. He isn't helpless and he shouldn't feel as though he is and I know that he does.  I don't like to see him this way.  It is my job to show him life and that there is something worth fighting for.  If he dies then I have failed to bring the fight in him out.  Before he didn't care and now when he is starting to thirst for life all over again he is losing it.  It kills the very thing inside me that makes me who I am.  I can't watch him die just to know that everyone is right I will always fail and never win what I thrive to save.
 
 
letting go
In life we hold on to everything from the physical to the material.  We tend to never let go of the past so that the present can make sense and the future can unfold.  I have loved and lost many a times and when it hurts i pull it in so that I can keep the memories but I am realizing now that it is doing more damage than good to hold on.  To let go to me is like losing a part of myself just like the initial loss in the first place so it is going through the pain all over again.  Boogieman I release you from my life because I know now that you will only cause me pain if I continue to love you in ways that you don't deserve.  I have loved in without love in return.  We have both hurt one another but you are still seen as perfect.  You have blamed me for your unhappiness for the last time.  I can no longer accpet the blame I will now move on to a life that deserves my love and presence. If hurting me has made you happy and my happiness only has caused you misery then we don't need each other.  I have let you do everything to me and in the end nothing in my life has changed except for that you taught me to stand on my own and do for me.  I will do that now as I say goodbye to my friend and a lover of all lovers from my past.  My future waits for me and with you that future is put on hold and no longer will anything be put on hold for you.  I give and you don't meet me half way you just want to control what hasn't belonged to you in almost a year.  For to long I was willing to allow it to continue until I found a love that gives love back and that is something that I need and deserve in my life and I will be damned if you will take that from me and deny me what you can always have.  Goodbye and lose all that I have given you and if you are now miserable because I am happy then so be it because I will not let you destroy what little hope and happiness I have to find and hold on to because tomorrow may be my last day.
 
theres sunshine in a smile
Life is a mixture of sunshine and rain,
Laughter and pleasure, teardrops and pain,
All days can't be bright, but it's certainly true,
There was never a cloud th sun didn't shine through-
So just keep on smiling whatever betide you,
Secure in the knowledge He is always beside you,
And you'll find when you smile your day will be brighter
And all of your burdens will seem so much lighter-
For each time you smile you will find it is true
Somebody, somewhere will smile back at you,
And nothing on Earth can make life more worthwhile
Than the sunshine and warmth of a beautiful smile.