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What are you waiting for?
Abandon at birth,placed in fear of the next fallowing days..
Growning up in pain..
taken by love yet haunted by hate,
caged in by jealously and still awaiting for some sort of care.
I sleep in horror of the dark things that come to take away my sanity one day at a time.
Filled with nothing and yet hold every emotion there is..only ..
Cursed to care too much it kills all hope.
Dieing to feel again, hoping for a kiss that brings back this dead and cold heart to life.
Killing time with thoughts of this and that, dreams that will only stay in my head.
Stripped of trust in all. The wounds only get so much deeper. I try my best to patch myself up. So many years have pasted now... and all I have become is a rag doll.
Torn and broken from seem to seem. Parts missing now and a place where my heart is ... is only spilling out.
no one to hold me. Just another object in life. A lost and forgotten friend. what will the next day hold for this doll of lost ambition for life?
no one really knows..
Lost all control now, and only messing things up. Why must it be so hard to live a simple and happy life?
Change is so difficult in some ways... only because the past is still around every corner in this sickening place I call home and known as my mind.
still taken by love and yet haunted by hate.
the cage of jealousy only getting smaller. still no one who is with opened arms..
but who could love such an ugly rag doll that is falling apart at the seems?...
No one.. not even her self.
In this cold yet warming room, I feel alive,Though I am dead.
I can't feel any pain, Yet my mind remembers how things feel,So now it all shall begin..
I lay here, On what is but a steel table,My clothing removed by scissors, Stripped I am, Baring it all, I can not move a limb, I can not even move my lips, So that they may know I am still some how alive...
My glasses missing so my vision is blurred, My possessions all gone.
This person above me, I do not know his name, Yet he seems to look at me in wonder,He walks around me and thinks out loud,
How did it happen?Was this killer insane?What caused so much blood loss?What did one do to this body and make it so bruised?How could one even hurt this small girl, With nothing left yet the horrid memories that are locked away in her brain?
He proceeds to do his work, He takes my hands and moves them slow,As if I am but a fragile soul,He cares for me like no other for one last time,By positioning my body like so,
Gently closing my mouth, My eyes he brings them to a calm, By closing them as well.
I see nothing,Yet I can still see all at once,Feeling without feeling,As the man now sprays my body with a liquid,I can feel and see he is dabbing my body with something soft and light,With such care and a gentle touch,I feel as if I am all life.
Making his next move,To make the small incision on my collar bone,Spreading a fluid,Through my veins,Making my blood leave this useless fleshy corpse.He does a few more things as to insure my body's final liquids are drained.
Careful as to close these small incisions,He then takes water to my cold lifeless skin,He takes his time to make me look beautiful,As if I am alive and to be put upon a pedestal,My eye lids are colored, My hair is done with curls,My lips with color,Of a light red,He Treats me like a lover with talking to me as I know he stares,To look and wonder what it feels like, To have had just one last night,With making love to my body,He does what he can to hold back,Yet he is a lonely man, And he tends to run his fingers across my chest.But remains calm and to work he is again.
I am but a lifeless toy to him,He with his fanacies,He takes me for his own,Not letting anyone know,I am but his play toy,So he tells me this,Whispering words of love and pain, He is but a lonely man, Who is filled with shame.
My hair and make up is done,So all that is left is my new outfit,He thinks long and hard as to what I shall wear,Because he said I have a dinner party to attend, So that I must wear that of a dress.The few that he has, so beautiful they are,He makes his decision carefully, As to show off to the rest of the guests,His new lover, Who is me.
Giving the last bit of finishing touches, He gives me a few brushes of my hair, He slips onto me even some underwear,Some stockings and bra,Fallowed by my dress, Ah a perfect one he says,So simple and yet just right,He says it will capture my eyes,If they were to ever open at all.
At last he says the words I knew he had been waiting to say,
I love you my sweet little dead girl,This were you will stay, With me and here for ever.
Slip the rope and take my life as I take you out of the lime light , your hate for me becomes more as you see me succeed in my everything...
I will never hate you for what you hold over me... I will just take this fate as my time to fall...
Fall from the top that I once had claim , from years of strive to make myself something in this world of anarchy...
Positioning my body on that wooden stake, I can feel my wrists bleed with the pressure of the rope ..cutting into my flesh...
Feeling my feet dangle there as my legs feel as if they are about to fall off from my torso it's self..
I can hear the chants of haters along with you in the dark.. behind the flames of fire ... ... they scream MORE!.. HARDER!... TIGHTER! ...Pulling ...harder..tighter... you try to bring me to my breaking point...
I wear this white dress, .. bleeding from my stomach , I wonder why... Looking down and I see that you have me by a second rope...
... they scream MORE!.. HARDER!... TIGHTER! ...Pulling ...harder..tighter... you try to bring me to my breaking point...
I can only hang there with my eyes wide open and full of tears ... flowing from the excruciating pain.. I think of my life and all that I was fighting for ..
I let myself come to peace with my every demon, and every mistake ... I learn that life was worth living and that my young ones will live on from this day..
They will never have to deal with this as I am making sure they will never have to take this pain and pay this price.. with their tears .. and blood...
So let those all scream at me and force as much pain and torture as they can upon me, for I hang here before them, yet floating in the air... my heaven ... as I look down on my past.. let me die ... and die now .. so that I may stop feeling any pain.. ... they scream MORE!.. HARDER!... TIGHTER! ...Pulling ...harder..tighter... you try to bring me to my breaking point...
I can not take it any more..
Why must my body keep fighting for it's life... My life is over .. yet was over from the day it started... please ... just take my last breath...
Make this next heart beat my last .. let my life burn out like a flame that has burned it's way down to the bottom of the candle .. let the rain fall down and wipe away my tears.. Let my soul rise from it's inner core... and be set free as it shall deliver into it's prison known as hell...
Or is this dream my fate ?...
Bleeding.... and breathing... bleeding... and breathing... I bleed away.....Taking my life ... I feel my body drain of all existence..You can see my living soul slip from out of my eyes..You can hear that my vocal cords no longer make a single cry..
Bleeding... and breathing... bleeding ... and breathing.. My last breath I struggle to take in and hold..For one last time I taste life's every want and need to hold onto what I had ..
Bleeding ..and breathing...bleeding...and breathing...I can smell for the last time of my beloved roses of red.. that once you had given me...I can see the never ending sky of what I use to gaze... looking .. thinking.. What could this day bring to me now. Today was a day of my death, so watch me ... see me ... die..Right before your very eye.....
Bleeding...and breathing...bleeding....and breathing...I lay there with no sound, no life.... just a small body ...That is turning cold...as the mind is slowly next to die...It's last memories unfold..
Poke the dead body with a stick... to see if I twitch of even make a slight kick ..Feel my neck for a pulse, you surely don't feel a strong one .as it is quickly fading .... Take my hand and hold it dear, as you sit there now feeling sorry for a lost life,As this is my last meeting with a another human being..I will indeed take in this encounter as if you were my only friend, only family,only love... You my dear, you are my everything...I may not know, yet I feel as if I have known you all my life ..So please, stay with me, just long enough til I pass away...
I want to hold on long enough for you to tell me about your self, and if not ,Then please, ...my dear friend.... what does one call you ?.. a name that I may remember and say to myself as I shall pass on ...
....tony.......what a sweet and beautiful name.. I am happy to have you near me and be accompanied by your existence..
though I am too weak to tell you with my words..I can only hope you are looking into my eyes, that you can see ...
Bleeding...and breathing...bleeding....and breathing......now I can let go and fade into the darkness and letting my end be final. I start to close my eyes, as you begin to cry, as if you have just falling in love with me...in that short moment of meeting, holding,.. losing.. all of me..
You lean in close to tell me something and what I hear ...
....I love you...though I do not you..don't leave without knowing someone loved you in your last moments here on this earth....
And so it was said.... what I have been longing to hear, for someone to tell me what I needed to hear just before I pass on ..
...thank you my dear friend... Tony...Thank you my lover....
I can die now with a smile on my face ...you may not be able to see but trust me ...it's there .. all you need to do is look into my eyes .. and see that deep with in those brown ,yet hollowed eyes of no life...
Bleeding... and breathing .... no ... more...
It was a day of happiness and sorrow, For it was the day we had a few laughs , Your words of how you longed for me to say hello,The day came and that was today, Yet little did any of us know, my first hello was my last.
I was waiting for you, There I sat, alone on the bench, Looking in the distance to see if you were coming. It was then that I had a feeling of pain..My heart dropped so low, it might as well fell out of my body along with my soul.I suddenly heard a voice whisper.... I'm sorry. ....I didn't know who said it at first. . .
Until I got up and couldn't even move, After a few moments that seems to have lasted a life time of pian fades away from my body,I run. I run, and don't stop.I can feel you need me or some kind of help. So I run to the only place I can think of where you would hide.
.....It was that first day that I saw you, at your place you call the shadows.You would go there to think, and at times to hang with friends. I walked by there every day from school.Yet I could never find the courage to say hello.Though I would day dream of you and your mysterious ways and looks,Your long, soft like silk strait brown hair, that would hide that face of flawless beauty.Not many would see your face, yet it was always on my mind, what gorgeous eyes you have when you would look up at me,I had never imagined that such beauty would give me the time of day. . let alone to allow me to steal a look into those eyes...
Those eyes, filled with such a rich colored green, Your smile , oh , what a smile I must say...You would never show emotion , let alone show any kind of happiness.But that one day, that was today, not so long ago, I said hello, And you stopped right then and there,To look into my eyes as if they were showing you a life that caught your attention,At that time, in that moment, I could feel as if I knew you all my life, as if you had that something I have always wanted in a lover.It was then, as we were about to let go with our gaze, Your hand coming up to pull back your hair just a long enough to show me your face, Those lips parting a bit to say hello , and then to form the most breath taking smile that I have ever seen. It was just a little smile but none the less a smile, one that I will never forget. A smile that was ment for me. I return with only what came natural to me and my shyness,I gave back a smile, along with a nervous giggle, as a my face begins to redden My stomach filling with butterflies, and how I long to tell you how I feel you are who I am have been waiting for...
....That dream of you and I , have come to an end, for now I see that my place in your life was to make you smile, That you could find one person, someone who could let you show how you really are just a sweet and loving dearest friend. Even if we didn't speak much, if anyone could see what I saw when looking into your eyes, they would see how lonely, and empty your heart was.So filled with emotion, yet ripped of it as days passed you by, The longing to open up to a friend , who has nothing more to offer then her time to listen to your thoughts of life, and all reality as you see it. . .That person, came to be me. . . .
I have seen many things... and heard many screams... yet had never seen someone I love, meet his or her death as I did for you. . .I was still running , and yet it seemed as if I couldn't get close enough to you ,Watching as you stood there, Up high on top of that water tower,I could only see that it was you from your long hair blowing in the wind, as you began to turn around ,There I was, at the bottom and screaming for you, begging for you to stop , in hopes that I couldn't you to think for one more minute about what you were about to doYet my words were not strong enough, my voice not loud enough ,My existence to you, not noticeable enough,My love and care for you , not worth enough,...Not worth enough as to keep you safe, To never see your smile , or hear your voice, your endless beauty never died, just your body came to rest, and so I hold that look deep in my mind, and your company in my heart, For some day , another day, I shall be able to witness your flawless beauty once again...so for now, look down on me and witness from time to time a smile upon this face, is just for you... my sweet lost love . .
Listening to the never ending quiet sound that fills my life,
I sit here .. With so many thoughts of what was once there,
I could almost taste your lips , the lips I had wanted to kiss so sweetly,
But nothing could keep you safe within my reach,
Taking you from my once peaceful life,
Now it is only filled with more puzzles that I struggle with putting back together...
A day goes by, and soon many more..
I can only try to hold myself together from here on out,
Doing with out ..
What was so whole..
Taking you from my once peaceful life,
Now it is only filled with puzzles that I struggle with putting back together ..
Holding myself late at night,
As I lay but under the moon light and clear, cold sky,
Crying out to you and what was meant to be...
Screaming your name...
As to make sure you don't fade from my life,
.....yet the heaven's have found a way to take what little I had left of you,
Your name..
The morning I woke up from the a night of crying out your name,
Screaming so loud as to make sure the heaven's could hear me, my painful cries,
They... or you... have come to me .. but not in a dream.. but at morning,
When I had found myself to waken to the emptiness that filled my head..
No longer could I remember your name ..
WHY! ... oh ..why... ANSWER ME !! ... (cries again..)... please.. I beg of you ! ... don't take this away from me too..
Let me have that part of him to keep ...
But they say no... so I here I lay in on the ground with nothing but a memory of you.. a day that will never be forgotten..
Unless the heaven's have a plan for me to forget that as well... I will hate them for it if they shall take that one final memory from me..
Taking you from my once peaceful life,
Now it is only filled with more puzzles that I struggle to putting back together.. A day goes by , and soon many more,
I can only try to hold myself together from here on out,
Doing with out...
What was so whole...
Yet.. no more.. for the heaven's will one day condemn me to my hell ..where you will no longer exist..
I have found a part of myself in your eyes,
in your words, in your smile,
I miss the days I had seen there , hidden in those eyes, How could this be?
That the heavens could take you away from me?
Where does it say, that you had to be taken from my life?
That the days that fallow could not be filled with smiles and laughter of needed happiness?
Why must I endure all the pain alone and with no way out?
I need you here,
to take my hand,
to lead my out of the shadows....
All I could do that day was cry many tears..
I would never let you go, nor do I even to this day.
I will not agree with the heaven's choice,
I had only wanted what I saw in your face of endless love, and care,
The face of love, face of many things,
The face that held so many dreams of the future..
I will not let you go......
I hold you in my heart so close...
I just wanted to be with you for another moment from the first...
So... many moments that I have longed for with you...
Why must I live in this darkness with out you by my side?
Why must these tears keep coming from deep within..
My heart aches with the memories from that day,
The day you took your life...
Did you not see what I had in hopes of a life together..
I no longer ... hold those hopes, nothing but shattered dreams...
From a book that shall never be finished...
No happy ending for this chapter..
For that day was the end of your dreams and hopes of anything,
What was it that lead you to do such a reckless event?
Must you have taken that last fatal step ..
The way you had fell in the sky,
Your face without emotion,
Like it was at peace with your ending..
I don't think you even saw me ...
There I stood , helpless to your need,
I was too late, for rescuing you from that ending fate...
So I stand here today... years later... I stand here crying at the same time I did when you had seemed to have vanished from my life,
What was a matter of minutes seemed like a life time ending in my eyes..
I still stare at the full moon and scattered stars, looking for that one that is holding your soul...
Wishing..
Hoping...
That some day you will come to me in my sleep and hold me again,
To wipe the tears from my face as they fall to the darkened ground and fade in to the grass..
Waiting for that day when I will be given the change to see you again for all eternity ..
Though I love you so much
I want you to know
Though you mean the world to me
I'm learning to let you go.
You can only become so close to someone before you let them fall
I didn't want to admit it
It was easier to lie
To hide the hurt and emptiness
To smile, instead of cry
Because things are very different now and you are not the same
For every time you hurt me, another scar is gain...
Is this only a game you're playing or is this how it's always going to be?
One day you say it's over and the next you're saying how much you need me.
I've decided that I'll try, try and find another
But the feelings I have for you I'll never feel for any other
I just have one more question,
Are you willing and ready to sacrifice our love so that we can be just friends
Ashes to ashes
dust to dust
living in a world
full of hate and lust
screams of pain
the sounds of splatters
against the wall
my brains shall fall
blood puddles
knee deep
flooding the earth
as angels weep...
some pray the lord
their souls to keep
armageddon around the corner
each day draws near
the end is coming
the world will fall
as your grandchildrens children still crawl
streets will run red
as we all know
to repay our sins
blood must be shed
cries of children
left alone
nobody now to take them home
how will you act?
you took so much for granted
and now its all gone
the agony of memories
will outlive you by long
As I watch the rain fall
I wait for someone to call
Someone to call my name
Someone who feels the same
As the rain drips down the glass
I think about my past
All the things people have said to me
How all I want is to be free
Free from all the pain and fear
I've suffered too much these past few years
I wish that I was different in so many ways
Life has been so hard these past days
As I listen to the rain fall
I wait for someone to call
Someone to say they love me
Someone who can set me free
Free from worry and pain
But tight now
I'll just sit and watch the rain.
