XaviRoseMaiden's blog: "poetry"

Barbara

I lost you almost a few months ago now ..

The cold eternity of death …

I miss you …

I miss the kindness in your eyes…

I miss your sparkling personality and sense of humour

I how we could be away from each toher from so long and yet we’d take off from we left off…

Thank you so much ..

At times I think you were a better friend than I deserved …

And I hate that I didn’t get to say good bye to you ..

I thought we had more time ….

But Death came and stole you from us …

In the shadows…

I hope you are happy where you are …

And suffer no more…

To those that took you for granted .. I hope life teaches you to miss your absence

You are awesome.. beyond words ..

I miss you Barbara !

I love you from the bottom of my heart …

I love you from the depths of my very soul …

May you rest in peace

And one day I hope to see you again

And well joke about the good ol’ times…

Till then my friend farewell..

Life must go on …

 

Times with my lil girl.

yesterday I spent almost the whole day with her..

It amazing how just being in the room with someone u love..

Lifts ur spirit so much..

She inspires my inner warrior..

Seeing her Happy is my absolute joy...

This weekend we were sharing chocolate and snuggles..

Laughs and watching our shows together...

She is so amazing..

Some days I wonder how I got to so lucky...

I love her more than the moon ...more than stars...

More than anything...

She comes first...

She has her moments when... She's mad..

Like steam coming out of her ears...

And she's still adorable...

Those moments where she's sick... And needs her Mummy's TLC

She has those moments where she cries..

and I have to be her rock and let her cry her eyes out...

Times where she's mad because I have to teach her things ... She doesn't want to learn...

But these are all part of it...

She's so worth it...

I'm so grateful to be back in her life able to see how she's growing up...

And help in whatever way I can..

To bring out the best in her...

She brings out the best in me...

I love her so much....

And I love these times together and I treasure them like fine jewels...

Cause one day I'll have less time to see her ..to be with her... 

And I'll just have the moments and memories.. 

I want her memories to be amazing..

And when life gets her down.. I want her to think on them and smile warmly and know how much she loved..

And one day far far in the distant future...

After I'm gone... And shes settled...

And happy with her fella..

And she has a daughter or a son....or even adopts one..

I want her to pass these things on...to the next generation...

I want her stories to warm the heart and soul of my future grandchildren..

In this times where life seem impossible...

My Boat

I set sail in the deepest  blue waters… once I left the land , I was excited about the journey ..  but once I got there to sea .. I feared the unknown…feared beyond reason.. 

Now I’m in the middle of the ocean … I can not  see the shore , yet it is beyond the horizon…

But my boat is strong.. my sails.. well worn but made of strong material …

My boat is full of supplies,including food , and water , tools, and  my head is full of knowledge of the sea and of expereince… my hands are skilled at sailing ..

Why is it now that I fear .. what I didn’t before ?

Why is it  now .. that I worry that my boat won’t reach the shore ?

Tis it not the same boat the I started the journey with?

I see no holes in this boat …I see no pirates .. and yet still I fear…

But where is my courage of a lion or beast now?..

Where is my will to fight and weather the upcoming storm ?

My God hasn’t left me , he doesn’t want me to give up either ...He will not forsake me or leave me to down ,

He is a good God ..

I don’t know what he’s doing …

Only that he seeks to make me stronger …

More humble…

More like him …

I ask to be his humble servant…

And to strip me of all things that grow my ego to large to see or understand , or be compassionate to others …

For the beauty of the boat is not always on the outside …

But in the stories of her travels …

Inside the depth of her wood…

The wood that lasted a thousand storms or more …

The memories inside the boat are priceless…

So as boat starts to lose its outer beauty, it’s inner beauty will remain …

It is also so, with a person ...

As my outer beauty fades…

All that will remain ... is the lines on my face , the sparkle in my eyes .. the sweet mellowness of my heart and soul .. my passion for life ..

And the memories that I treasure so much …

Oh.. And to find that person that will love me  for life.. beyond all my lines , scars…

Oh what a beautiful day that will be …

To love me beyond it all …

Beyond Reason … Some who take my intensity and let it inspire them to bring out the best in themselves…

For a love without depth.. is a like boat made from the weakest of materials.. unless its so well care for .. it surely break .. but a boat .. made of beautiful wood , cut piece by piece .. loving put together.. is a boat that will weather any storm life throws at it

Build your boat wisely…

For love isn’t facts … love isn’t money… Love isn’t material things.. Love isn’t just the feeling…Is isn’t just the desire or lust… Love is so much more …

Love is an action ..

A leap of Faith into the unknown…

Love is an neverending adventure, the needs to be nurtured …

Love is one of the most incredible things you have can have..

Yet I think its true ... to truly know how precious it is ..

One must lose it at least once…

Maybe not even lose a boyfriend or a husband , but lose someone close to them…

To have love you must have a mutual respect for each other… mutual admiration, The two must protect their love from the world … and keep their inner most things to themselves..

Sort things out between each other…
One must be humble in love ..

Willing to really listen to hear , not only to speak … to do things in love.. not hate …

 

It’s an amazing commitment to be partners in life …

To be there in the hardest of times …

And fight to get to the next day …

To want the best for each other… always …

To do anything to make someone smile…

To put aside your desires… sometimes .. And be one …

Be we instead of I…

The words we speak into relationships are powerful …

Over the years , I’ve been learning to think more before I speak …

Is it kind ? Is it helpful ?Is it meant in a loving way …

Words are tools …

Choose them carefully especially with the ones you love the most …

For it is the saddest tragedies, when one forgets to do just that … and says things that they can never take back …

Does things in the moment they can never take back …

And loses the one they love .. be it romantic or not …

For who wants to sail their boat completely alone on the vast seas of life ?

With no one to share the journey with ?

Protect your boat , cherish your boat .. Cherish your love and your loved ones .. with your heart and soul …

And do whatever it takes not to lose them …

For the sea of life … Will try to take them away…And some you will lose ...

And you’ll miss them from the depths of your very soul …

And wish you could turn back time …

Yet life has a strange way of surprising you never know what adventure awaits around corner  … keep sailing…

Never stop sailing your boat, never it let it crash to the shore …never let it tarnish so much that you can’t sail it …

For these words come from the bottom of my heart soul … 

 

Being Mum

Before i thought i owned the world,

I was so spoilt... 

I had so much freedom but i never appreciated it ... 

I had so much love ... 

But i was selfish ... 

I had so much outer beauty.. 

but inside i was ugly... 

Then you came 

My whole world changed

I learned i did not own the world ... 

I had to learn to be humble.. 

I had love but from a distance... 

My beauty changed it wasnt about me every day .. 

it was about caring and helping you grow...learn , discover.. 

Loving you expanded my heart ... 

Losing you expanded my pain ... 

But now i have both ... 

I have in my life .. 

But i have days and days without you .. 

But i appreciate everything i have so much more then i did before ... 

Highsight , such interesting thing .. 

But you have to go through things to have it .. 

Everything i'm going through is part of the journey .. 

I refuse to regret a single moment because its forged me into who i am today .. 

And im still growing , still evolving ... 

I'm not enough for some ... 

I'm too much for others ... 

As for me .. 

I love me ... 

With a kindness, that i've never known before... 

 i wake up each day , to a new day .. 

And i refuse to give up!

Someone out there.. is needing exactly i have ... 

The thing about the people that know me well .. is they tell the truth , whether not .. 

I like to hear it ...

They dont tell me beautiful lies... 

They tell me the truth...

it's my choice whether or not i choose to accept it...

They push me , they challenge me ... They encourage me ..

And do my best to be a good friend ... 

 

Sometimes as a Mum , things come first .. 

Children have to come first .. 

Maybe soome  believe im wrong in that ... 

And some respect it ... 

I dont know how to explain it ... 

But i must take care of her till she's old enough to live on her own .. 

We dont always want to put the kids first , but its part of the eqaution...

We have to...

We all have those moent where we want to do crazy things... 

If i could how many times id been asked to move ...for love...

If could count how many times ive not gone a date ... because i had to put her first...

We go so long ... scarificing for our children ..

That sometimes its to remember what it is we want ...

 

Being  Mum isnt always glamourous

We look after children , when we grumpy...because thier too tired or hungry, etc 

We look after them when they are sick... and vomiting...

We look after them when someone hurts them ... either intentionally or not..

We look after them , when we are sick , and have no energy .. 

When we are so tired that we falling asleep... 

But we stay awake just a lil longer to read them a bedtime story we stay a lil longer sometimes just to make they go sleep...

We hug them ... we love them unconditionally..

Even when we are furious with them ..

The love never goes away...

But when night comes after they fall asleep..

Then its Mummmy time..

 

 

it isnt always rewarding in a sense that others can see...

But it  is incredible when you your child well...

When your child is  so happy thier eyes shine with pride...

I can't describle how it feels to just hang out with them .. and talk about thier life ... 

spend time with them .. doing things they love to do !

Laughing , joking ... etc 

Being  Mum 

Is amazing ... 

It will always be a part of me ... 

A good kind part of me ... 

I'll love her till the end of  time

And be forever in her heart ..

That's the one of the best part about being Mum 

once my physical body is gone .. 

My spirit , my words ,our precious moments .. 

Remain forever...

I love being Mum... 

I wouldn't it change it for the world...

The Real Treasure is me...

It is  beyond the smile that you see , 

Beyond the body that you behold .. 

in lust ... and desire

Its deeply buried.. 

my inner fire... 

 

The real me , 

is the one that cries, and laughs , and cares so much .. 

About the world , about others , and   then me ... 

So few will strip the layers to find the treasure that lays beneath... 

The treasure that they cannot see... 

The good heart , the good soul.. 

With loyalty deeply rooted in the soul.. 

 

They see the first layer, the pretty hazel bedroom eyes, the smile that melts the heart, 

The  playful side .. the flirt

But only the few will dig deep to see .. 

The real me , the deepth of my thoughts ... the deepth of my caring .. the depth of my love... 

 

That the real treasure is me... 

 

 The Layers run deep ... 

Deeper than almost anything... 

Each layer closer to my heart .. the walls around them so slippery like black ice .. to keep the unworthy out.. 

But once in there ...you have made it ... deep down inside my heart ... 

We'll never part ... your there forever.. 

But i wont cry anymore for those who don't see 

The real treasure that is me... 

 

I'm not bought by your bling.. in real life or out ... 

Im not impressed beyond by your wealth... 

Cause i'm buliding my own .. 

My love can't be bought... 

 

I love the simple things .. 

Cards.. on my birthday.. 

Flowers just cause .. 

Going for walks hand in hand.. 

 

I love being together as simple as just talking about the things that matter ... 

Every day things ... 

And then talking about the world and its current events ... 

For many years it took to find myself , to love me .. 

In my darkness and my light ... 

Forgive myself for all the things i did in my past .. 

And allow myself to start over each and every day ... 

I won't fight for you ... 

I won't compete... 

I'm either your first or don't even bother... 

The real treasure is me ... 

 

 

 

Wow... At 15 listen to those wise words..
Age doesn't define maturity...
Inspiring...
We have to dream bigger than our current situations... Dreams don't have walls.. Their not prisons...

I agreee with him there are plenty of talented people on the streets, not everyone is a drug addict , etc , im not the one to judge , its just funny how easily people assume things without knowing facts... 

Many Single mothers , are living below the poverty line ,and im sure so are sinle fathers... 

But at least here in Amercia we have programs suppert and some shelters .. 

What does this this boy have ? 

Is it fair ? 

Its it fair that this young man  be homeless ,

while others never struggle at all... 

While we live in a world of technology ... 

We are still together but alone in some ways ... 

I wonder what happened to his parents? 

I wonder what will happen if he gets the chance to school .. 

I bet you he wont be satified with Cs and D's on his report card ... 

I say give him and the other homeless children opportunites to be the best versions of themselves .. 

Number 1 give them , besides food and shelter give them an education... 

 

We need family...
We need to be our own best friend...

The other stuff is just icing...
We can have it...
But we don't need it!

I'd rather live a simple life ..
With Family..
With friends..
Being my own best friend..
Living life.. 
Then having as much stuff...as I used to..
Less is more..
Simplicity is beautiful...
Taste life with passion..
Don't swallow it whole..
I hope that someone will benefit from these words that come from deep within my heart...

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As i get older . i keep learning more about love ... 

And what it is supposed to be , vs what is not ... 

Love for me isnt bling ... 

Love is caring , kindness , being suportive ... 

Love is wanting the best for each other ... 

Hoping and Enocuraging each other... 

Love is not things ... 

Love is action , Love is a commitment... 

But first must love ourselves...

Love is wanting to be part of each other lives... 

It is wanting to know each other ... 

Love isn't for show .. 

But  isn't something to be ashamed of !

Love is so beyond what we know sometimes .. 

Trusting even when you are scared ... 

Love is a beautiful thing ... 

 

 

 

A poet without a lover

 who has heard of such a thing? ... 

Yet we wander around looking for someone ... 

Someone to understand what it takes ... 

Someone to be able to handle it all ... 

All the romance, all the imagination ... 

Someone not scared ... 

To fall so deep into what is a bottomless ocean ... which we call love .. 

Someone with pure intentions .. 

not just there for show... 

Someone who loves the art ... and can read it with great joy ...

Someone who understand the purpose.. 

Someone willing to go on the journey ... and take out the camera.. to records the moments

So we wander around.... 

We dont settle for the first ... out of lonelieness..

We wait ... for special someone who takes our breath away ... 

the one who we can't bear to be far from for too long ... 

So poet without a lover 

 yearns ... 

And longs for that amazing person... 

And still wont settle .. just to be taken ... 

But when that Loves comes it will be worth writing about .... 

Till then poet without a lover puts down her pen for the night ... 

 

Up North .. 

 It quite literally is so cold, that there is snow... 

Up North it feels strange , a like a skin too tight or too loose to wear ...

I still feel like a florida girl undearneath it all ... 

I'm missing the Warmth of the bright Sunshine ... 

but i have the brightest sunshine of all in my Daughter eyes... 

I'd live through a thousand long winters ...

 Just to look into the those beautiful brown eyes of hers.. 

And be wrappped in those sweet loving arms... 

 

I love her so much its hard to imagine what life was before she came into it ... 

I wouldn't give up a second ... 

Being a mother has changed me in so many ways ... 

It's made my heart so much more tender ... 

and i surrender to my tenderness.. 
It's made my heart more compassionate

And i surrender to my compassion...

Its made me more empathic to others ..

And I surrender to my empathy...

 

As a mother 

I worry ... 

but I refuse to surrender to my worry .. 

As the world sees me im far from perfect ..

But I surrender to my imperfections... 

 

Up North i have many things to be grateful for .. 

And yet a piece of my spirit belong in Florida as well... 

Just like a butterfly....

But I surrender to being a Mother with all that comes with it .... 

We make a pledge that we will put our children first ... 

Even when we desire things so intensely... 

We must wait ... 

such is life ... 

And so life continues Up north... 

Far away from the other life ... 

Onward ...

Marching north step by step .. building a new life... brick by brick ... hold on , dig in .. keep fighting.. for a better life up North...  

 

 

Life's Chalkboard

What would I, my friends and my family write on this chalkboard? in the beginning the things we regret... 
And in the end how would we  feel when we realize we have a clean slate to write on in our lives each and every day ... 
We make choices ... 
But we can't get to new dreams.. doing the things we used to do ... What will be our Legacy?
We have to brave enough try things we've never done, face fears we've never faced .. apologize to people we've hurt ,,, 
We have to be brave enough to continue this journey ... 
We have to be brave enough to meet new people...

One day i know i'll be sitting on my porch telling stories

About my life to the neighbourhood kids ... 

I don't want to tell them i didn't live life ... 
I don't want them i never went on adventures ... 
Or that i never did anything interesting ...

I want to tell them about all the amazing people ive met , from the strangers on the street that i never saw again, to the the people that helped and no reason to  ,The people who  wanted to be My friends in the bad times as well as the good ...

The people who gave me hope , where there seemed to be none , the people who loved me for no reason but to love me ...the people who used me for thier own selfish intentions...i would love to teach them all i could about people ...

And of course i want to warm them that everyone has true intentions , Not everyone who says things mean them ... 
But I want them to feel like they come and visit me , while i rock on my chair on some of the quiet afternoons ... 
I want to tell the kids i love them ... And pass on anything could be concieved as wisedom ... 
That's the Lady i want to be ... 
I don't want to be the old Lady crying because ... never did anything i wanted to .. I dont want to be the Old Lady to scared to love ... to scared to dream...to scared to grow old..
I don't want to be the Old Lady who only has cats for friends... 
No I wont be her .... I refuse to be her...

I won't let my spirit of adventure die...  

I wont give up me ... to be with someone...

But if hes the right one , he'll be ready to either come or let my enjoy my adventures on my own..

I won't die alone ...

I won't die unloved...

I won't die without memories ...

Who do you want to be ? ... Man or woman I think its worth thinking about ...

What will your legacy be ? 
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