XaviRoseMaiden's blog: "thinking , reflecting"

Miss you Barbara

I thought we had much more time ..

I miss your sense of humour..

I miss your big cheesy smile...

I miss the way you'd always listen my stories , and tell some of your own too...

It's strange living in your house without you ...

You were so good and kind to people...

I had alot of plans for us to go out and travel together .

Then suddenly you were gone Chirstmas month,

But i stil have the memories of who  you were 

I still get to love Leo like he's my Nephew

and i finaly got to met your brother .

Barb i know your up there in heaven loking down on me 

Sometimes being my guardian angel

When i drive like a crazy woman ...

I love you Barb now and forever 

your friend always (h)xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

If Sumer could talk what would it say? ..

Maybe it would wonder why we love it so much ..

Summer seems to be the time when the world seems most alive . 

Where people tend to be at thier happiest..

If the beaches could talk , would they tel us the stories of the people who swam in them ? 

Would it remember the ones who died there ? 

Would they be angry at the ones who took their beauty for granted...

What if the ocean knew more then it could ever express?

How could the ocean be comforted?

What it witnesed things both good and bad ? 

What if the sand could cry when it became litered with our rubbish . or if it warn us if thier  dirty needles lying just under our feet?

Would it tell the parents , or the Chidren ? 

Would it make any diference ? 

The world has changed so much ...

I can only imagine what the ocean has sen over the hundreds of years its being here . and what the sand would say? ..

What if the sea shells could beg us not to take them from the sand? 

Would it be kind to the Chidren? or make them cry?

What if the people cared more about being there in nature , then they did care about being on thier phones?

If you asked people many years ago to stop and chat at the beach , it was a beautuful thing ..

And now it seems like only a few are still brave enough to talk to strangers..

It's a scary thing sometimes its not only the beaches that are changing ...its the cities the town the parks.. everywhere we go ...

 But now as women its not even as safe as it was to go jogging alone..

It is sad thing when you have to worry about things like that ...

Saftey is one of those things we tend to take for granted its gone..

No more 5am jog or runs alone. 

No more going alone at night to places without extreme caution ...

People are checking with thier loved ones. if their lucky enough to have them ..

But sometimes i feel ilke i'd rather die with my freedom,

then live in fear . now its not only terrorists . we wory about its murderer's and rapists.. etc..

And even if they catch them . 

Will we ever feel safe again ?

Or we have lost that feling of safeness , with the awarenes of all the dangers that are out there ? 

This world is changing i see it every day ...I see it in almost every way ..

 This world is changing i see in almost every way ... 

If summer could talk ...

 Would it tell us where the dangers were ? 

Would nature fight back to help the innocents?

Would it  save lives ?

Or would just se but not act with any courage at all?

ould the tres stand stil as a women was murdered or raped or both ? 

Would the bushes pretend not to be alive ? 

Would it wait till the danger was gone to act . i wonder ...

I don't understand it ...

If only Summer could talk , we might know ...

The best parts of our characters , are forced within the greatest challenges we face ... 

It is not only the everything that world sees.. 

 but it is those private battles we face... 

That test our character .... 

 I'd like to think that the best parts of us are forged in love , in hope , and freindship , 

It is always a romantic love ... 

But sometimes it is the deep connection of great freindship that stands the test of time ... 

And sometimes you meet people , like i hae my whole life in a day , who care about you then the ones who have been there for years ... 

Love gives us hope , and helps us strive to be the best versions of ourselves ... 

thsat is the best kind .. 

the other kind ... 

the kind whre you find yourself changing too much ... is the kind that never seems to make you make you happy ... 

True love comes when you accept all of the person and not only the best parts ... 

You see them at the worst times , and you still want them in your life ... 

and vica versa... 

They can deal with your moods... 

and can appreciate your sense of humour... 

As we grow older of sense of love changes over the lessons we learn from it .. both good and bad ... 

and it is combination of all these expereinces , that make up our beliefs on love.. etc ... 

Love is too beautiful to waste ... It is that precious rose... 

Love is that hope , when you wake up the morning and your thinknig bout that special person and smiling for no reason... 

Love is that joy that can't be expressed in words , but in kind actions .. 

Love is that thing that keeps us going .. when all else seems to fail  ... 

Love is forever ... 

 Without it this world would be such a sad lonely place ... 

Being Single 

Around others who only wish to share their bed .. 

but refuse to truly share their heart ... 

Is sex is only pelasure for pleasures sake ...

Lust ... 

Skin on skin .. 

But ... 

its not the pleasure i seek .. yet the connection the meeting of the souls .. 

Too easy is it to fall prey to the ones , with sweet honey like words .. 

only the next morning be just a memory ... 

to be one with empty feeling again ... 

we all wanted to be connected , some of us choose to be and some of us fake it for other purposes..

No this is not what i want .. 

if there must be skin on skin .. why not it be something of beauty of making love ... 

Of knowing each other .. by more than name ... 

Wanting each other for more than only lust .. but dare i say caring ? .. 

I wish this wasn't quite so strange to many ... 

No i dont want your bed .. 

 i dont just want your body ... 

I want to know you ... 

I dont want empty promises ... 

I don't want lies .. 

And yes it's ok to only make out ...

and hold each other all night long ..

. fall asleep in each others arms..

So many games are played during this flirting stage , sometimes its hard to tell when where games ends... 

Its ok to be Lonely ... but why must we lie about it ? 

Why can't we be more vulerable to each other , if we are naked after all ? 

Why are we so scared to be in love , to fall in love ? 

We are loves warriors ... 

We wear scars on our eyes , and in our hearts .. 

while looking for the one ... 

it seems like days , turn in months , months turn into years ... 

some say juat wait ... 

I don't know We must live life ... 

be with our freinds etc ... 

To experiencw life .. 

Not lock ourselves away in houses , on computers etc , cause these become our prisons and we become scared to venture out again .. 

And yet other times we need to keep away from the ones who only fake love ... 

fake connections.. etc 

It is such a minef out there .. if every time my heart was broken showed on my body with holes there would be so many ... 

And with irony .. what if we could see everyoes elses holes too ? would we then know .. they were a warrior of love like us ? 

And how could we stay clear of the ones who only seek to destroy either ocnscoiusly or otherwise ? 

or do we need these scars or holes to help us understand the kind of love we need ? 

Todays dating world is a minefield.. 

But there are incredible people out there still ... 

It takes time .. sometimes .. 

but other times just chance meeting and it go from there ... 

the less i look the better i find ... 

But it seems we must go on dates , it is a necessary evil like doing laundry and dishes ... 

if we don't how will we ever know what it is we seek ? 

No im not going out with you cause we're both single... 

no im not going out with you cause we have one thing in common .. i want more ... 

With our eyes what do we see?... 

Why is one man able to treasure one woman, while another seems to need many ? 

Why is it that we look with first our eyes ? 

And there's so much more ... 

Why are we both so deep and yet both so superfical at the same time .. 

When did it only become about what one persons wants  instead of the collective?

I will not compete in such a way ... 

if one doesn't see or know  my value .. 

 it doesn't diminiish mine ... 

I wish him well ... 

Hes taken a peice of my heart ... 

 but i've also taken a piece of his... 

I hate the cruel games love can play ... 

 I hate the empty words people can say ... 

I hate the lies and the deceit ... 

Is true love a thing of the past ... Left to our incestors ? 

Are we supposed to wander this world alone ... 

Oneday i may know the answer to this ... 

But not today.. 

It is only a question... 

If love only be with our eyes.. 

What love is this ? 

 what deepth of ocean ? 

 Pretell this is only .. the part you see. .. 

The more you know .. the less the know ... 

Love the most confusing thing ever .. and that the most amazing ... 

indescrrible .. feeling of joy , goodness , inpsiration, sacrifice... 

The feeling of caring for someone more than yourself ... 

its saddens me to see it cheapned the way it is ... 

it saddens me to see it as a trophy ... 

Bring back the real romance of yesterday .. 

Bring back some of the gentleman of centuries gone past ... 

Bring back love's honor .. 

Bring back the way it was cherish not cheapened...

Bring back loves quest...

Oh what is love these days? 

just a status? 

just a temporary thing ? 

No i will not accept this , I will take another path ... 

 I will carry on ... 

Alone if it needs be .. i'd rather my heart be empty and aching .. then alone with the lies of yesterday's embrace...

Until the time which is no uncertainity that is the one ... 

the hold who holds my heart dear ..

the one who knows me , who loves me for everything I am .. who forgives me when im foolish ...

Can stand my anger ...

Can grow with me ... 

Trust me...

Teach me ...

Loves me in such a way that doesn't desire others... 

Listen to hear my stories not only speak to hear their voice... 

No I won't settle ...

 The one who wants to be in my life .. not only i in thiers .. some how it all fits together ... 

Commited together ... at a time which feels natural is not forced .. or coaxed just is ... 

Love , Is it truly only what we see with our eyes? 

With our eyes what do we see... 

Why is one man able to treasure one woman, while another seems to need many ? 

Why is it that we look with first our eyes ? 

And there's so much more ... 

Why are we both so deep and yet both so superfical at the same time .. 

When did it only become about what one persons wants  instead of the collective?

I will not compete in such a way ... 

if one doesn't my value .. 

 it doesn't diminiish mine ... 

I wish him well ... 

Hes taken a peice of my heart ... 

 but i've also taken a piece of his... 

I hate the cruel games love can play ... 

 i hate the empty words people can say ... 

I hate the lies and the deceit ... 

Is true love a thing of the past ... 

Left to our incestors ? 

Are we supposed to wander this world alone ... 

Oneday i may know the answer to this ... 

But not today.. 

It is only a question... 

If love only be with our eyes.. 

What love is this ? 

 what deepth of ocean ? 

 Pretall this is only .. the part you see .. 

The more you know .. the less the know ... 

Love the most confusing thing ever .. and that the most amazing ... 

indescrrible .. feeling of joy , goodness , inpsiration, sacrifice... 

The feeling of caring for someone more than yourself ... 

its saddens me to see it cheapned the way it is ... 

it saddens me to see it as a trophy ... 

Bring back the real romance of yesterday .. 

Bring back some of the gentleman of centuries gone past ... 

OH what is love these days? 

just a status? 

just a temporary thing ? 

No i will take another path ... 

I won't accept this type of love ... 

 I will carry on ... 

Alone it needs be .. 

Untril the time which is no uncertainity that is the one ... 

the hold who holds my heart dear .. the one who knows me , who loves me for everything i am .. who forgives me when im foolish ... 

guides me .. 

 the one who wants to be in my life .. not only i in thiers .. some how it all fits together ... 

Commited together ... at a time which feels natural is not forced .. or coaxed just is ... 

Love ... 

Is it truly only what we see with our eyes? 

Don't let your ego

... Become so big .. it blocks your vision

Don't let your ego become so strong ... all it wants is to hurt others... 

Don't feed your ego so much , that it never questions anything .. 

Don't let your ego make you beleive that only you are right ... 

Too long we feed our egos .. And they grow ... 

They grow full .. of its all about me and noone else matters kind of attitude .. 

But we were designed to socialize and interact ... 

And imagine if for a minute your in a room with a bunch of people.. 

And instead of saying ... I  don't care ... you say .. i do care .. and see the difference in the direction of the conversation , the mods of the people conversing etc .. 

Just becacuse its commonly accepted doesn't makie it right or even the human way to treat others ... 

Why are we ok with so much densitization? 

Why do we accept things ... without question ... 

For example i went to ban to cash a check . i didn't have an acount there ... 

The lady said i had to put my finger print on my check ... 

I didn't like it all .. 

It made me feel like a like criminal .

I asked the teller why ... she just shrugged liekd she didn't care .. and i think she really didn't...it made me feel sad.

i want to know why policy has changed and if theres another way / or process i use to cash my check ... 

Don't just accept things ...

Imagine what would of happened if that same Lady had shown compassion to how i was feeling , and how i would of felt afterwards. 

If she had i would of felt a lil better about the istuation rather than feeling so strange... 

only so much use of an ego is a good thing... 

Beyond that .. it uusally leads to the negative.

I walk these streets alone , with sometimes only my imagination to me sane... 

i see so much beauty here ... 

its crazy the same river where people die .. while they shoot up .. is the same river i pass by on the bridge and when  the sunlight shine just right it sparkles like gold ... 

So many faceless people .. i barely know any of them ... 

i just hear about them in the neighbourhood , its a regular conversation ... 

who died this week .. it must affect us somehow all this death and talk of it ... 

Ive been gone for too long to be numb to it .. 

it like this town is new .. but the problems are old ... 

im not talking bout pot as the drug that kills .. im talking about herion.. 

im talking bout the crazy disease it is .. and the crazy stuff that happens when they cant get a fix ... 

ive never walked a mile in their shoes .. 

 ive never lost myself to drugs... 

but ive found my own poison in love or the search what it was supposed to be ... 

Love is a kinda like its own herion .. so many people want to die when they feel so alone ... 

Just like they do.. theres no heroin ...

In sobering mood today todfay i read something 23 suicide notes ... 

you know what alot of them had in common ? 

they felt like they didn't belong here ... 

crazy huh ? 

We all feel like that sometimes ... 

but they talked bout suffering each and every day .. 

a constant sadness.. 

it made me sad ... 

im guessing thats how it feels to be judged for using drugs day after day .. 

And i know when our hearts get broken .. we feel like that too for a time ... 

but it doesnt have to end like that ... 

theres still hope .. 

after everything .. we suffer , we grow stronger ... 

more able to survive ... 

No i wont judge , theres millions of people who will do that for me ... i only seek to understand .. to empathise ... to let others know thier not alone in this place we call earth ... 

Love and hugs to all ... 

Fireworks in the Ghetto .. 

Oh how I hate the fireworks in the Ghetto .. 

I can't tell if their bullets being fired ... 

so  I llisten for the ambulance ... 

if the ambulance doesn't come i know ... 

its ok ... its just fireworks

It's a different life here ... 

Ambulance sounds every day ... mnny time .. you kinda know someone is dying somewhere.. 

peolpe overdose on drugs .. trying to find solice from thier pain .. 

But each morning i wake up again ... 

and the fireworks.. 

not to be negative .. 

 but what are we celebrating ? 

maybe it is negative .... 

I can't wait till these damn fireworks are over ... 

No more worrying to see if someone got shot ... 

No more animals hiding for cover ... 

its worse for dogs ... they run away .. they go crazy its way to loud for them 

Some veternans hate them too , they remind them of the explosions they during active duty ... 

Though the cat at my feet huddles close as the fireworks continue.... i keep wondering if his heart is pounding fast ...

I love celebrating but give me a good time with friends , good food and lets skip the fireworks.. 

i hear the sizzle , the crack , and then the near by  boom of near fireworks.. 

and i still hear the ambulances .. 

and i wonder if its bad day out there ... today... 

Tomorrow is the 4th ... 

one more day of possible fireworks then i hope its over for a while ... 

Back to  the regular sounds .. of ambulances ... gunshots.. people fighting.. its crazy outside ... 

Yet somehow its home... 

We are we so content... to not know about our culture ? 

Why are we so consumed in learning about everyones elses lives .. in media etc , than our own ... 

It feels like we don't value what we have right in front of us... 

The more i learn about other cultures , and how people live life differently from day to day ... 

 the more i wonder , why so few of us ... seek to learn more about our own ... 

When  comes from multiples countries , here sometimes they say mutts.... 

To me it seems like a way of devaluing where it is we came from ... 

Another thing i really dislike is being called an immigerant ... I'm an Australian American ... 

I've lived here and around Americans for over thirteen years... When will society here accept that fact... 

Or when will people stop saying ... if you don't agree with what i say ... in some kind of verbal argument... then go home ... 

This is my home damn it !.... 

Immigerants as you call them are people too .. actually they are Amercians ... like you ... 

Woring hard to live thier lives .. Just like you ... 

Doing the hardest jobs imaginable ... and then sensing monies back home to family over there ... 

Try walking in thier shoes ...

Before judging them ... 

Try to do what they do .. before casting the first stone .. 

I doubt you would like to ... 

If you have the patience to read the last line .. 

Remember this ... Immigerants are Americans just like you ...

And need to be treated as such .....

with dinity and respect ... 

We talk about equality all the time for animals , yet theres milions of people who are in dire need of it aswell ... 

Something to think about ...