TRYST Kushiels Handmaiden's blog: "Poetry"

Desire, she whispers only your name in my ear. A tease a reminder of what I want to belong to and can never aspire to be.

What is sexy, Confidence, and being one self without needing to "blend in" What is Sexy? The truth, spoken not to hurt someone, but to share a soul. What is Sexy, A touch, given when someone is at rock bottom and it reminds them they are not alone. What is Sexy, Everyone.

I feel torn, not just me but less. Without you, there can be nothing. I choose to be with you. I chose you and I refuse to accept "no" There is no one sided choice,. I cannot be picked up and set aside. I am not some girl, I am a diamond, precious and made beautiful, pressure and heat. That is what I am. And if you are too a fool to know it, then your loss. I need someone who will , love and adore me. Its not a silly need, its what my soul is crying for. The comfort of the touch, the heat of a body on my cheek. Alone is how I am, internal, but I chose you, and I cannot be brushed aside, be ruled inconvient, Tough shit, i do not accept your rejection. It is deemed unworthy, if you cannot apprecate me, you will not cheepen me, make me somethiong forgotten. I am always the one who chose you, Not you choosing me. The other way around. I am passion, I am love, and I am stronge enough, and you can be replaced, but I don't want to replace you, its tearing me apart.

It started with a touch, Nothing new. Just a touch, to the cheek. Tenderness set forth a flood, clear tears of hearts blood. A total release of an emotional storm. One cannot be hard forever. And it just started with a touch. In terror, warmth was in his arms. Without thinking he held her, felt her shake in his arms and knew. The broken heart internal. That bled unseen as she closed her eyes. Safe for the moement, One that was borrowed from time. And it was the warmth in his arms. Wounds of the past still bleed, no not blood, but through tears, Through a shaking form. When one jumps from loud noises. When one cannot stand the touch of stranger. When eyes always watch. Living a life of self distruction. And the wounds still bleed. Death comes quick when its half a life. When your living too fast, when your heart races for nothing. When fire consumes the soul, its like striking a match book, yes it's bright and hot, but it burns out too fast. Empty thoughts and massive actions. Death comed quick when it's a half a life.

The ghost of what was, lingers like the smell of smoke, toasted the flesh of the past. It sizzels and shrinks. But you never feel the burn. Its only after its gone, does the biting signal of change, send waves of panic. Takes away the life, of what was the "you" Made Stronger or not, things change, beauty can not be erased and words whispered in the dark, like honey from your searching lips, are mine to keep. Each one burned, like the ghost, into the wrinkles of my brain. Where the past still lives, where what was can still be. I live in the past, as I loath the uncertain future that I have cut for myself.

I am tired of living by other peoples standards and I am taking the reigns of my life in my hands and I slapped them and going full gallop. I am living on MY terms. I am doing my modeling I took a nude shoot with Mirror Ball Studios.I am done being nice cause "its the thing to do" at least to people who don't mean shit. I am done holding my tongue. Letting people treat me like Iam less. Fuck them. I don't talk to my family anymore. I have nothing in common with them. I am calling in favors I am getting my ink done. I have been there for so many people in my life and now I just need to know that when I falter and I need a hand that they are actually there. I am tired of being there for people who can't even call to say "hey." I don't regret my life, but I am going out on fire. I am losing weight not for THEM but cause I want to. I am singing at the top of my lungs when I want and if someone wants to go toe to toe with me better know there is a black panther living in my eyes. Offically, I am still the same loving girl in my heart, but if you're trying to hold me here and bring me down I will burry you. I do not burn bridges but I can forget to put them on the map to my life. Note that MY life. Some of you know that a long time ago things started change. I am tired of the High School bullshit. I am beyond and above that. Screw you and keep it to yourself. I will no longer keep my peace you wanted a war I will fire a shot that will make you think twice before you mess with people when they have had enough No nothing is wrong. For the first time things are PERFECTLY clear. I am spent too much time making everyone else happy. I have put my life on hold for family, and gotten what? An ulser. I have held my tongue and choose not to fight when I want to stand up and hollar "Wait a fucking minute, that's it get your own personality and go fuck yourself with someone elses borrowed time" Talk all you want, but I am not afraid to come up to you and say "Got something to say to me or about me." FUck that nice shit. I am done being walked on, step on me and I will bite. Most of you don't need to hear that, but I think its about time I fucking woke up and shook myself up. Bout f'ing time. This is my shouting it to the roof tops. For a lot of you this isn't going to change shit, but for some people who call themselves friends and then talk to entertain themselves. Maybe next time you'll think before pissing of a secret holder, someone who always seems to see and know shit. Maybe you'll think next time you open you're mouth to gossip, and realize, it goes both ways. And Tj you'll apprecate this comment "HE was so worried about covering his ass, he had no idea I was creeping up straight to the face. I stood through your shit now guess what I am the only one I see clean."

A you single? Are you made aware of it ever day on Feb the 14th. Aint it a.... well you get the idea. Don't feel bad you're not alone. Millions suffer this ailment often, and numbers fluctuate too often to really get an accurate count. So, when Feb the 14th rolls around and makes you feel like a slug, think of this. Somewhere down the street or where ever, there is a bar. In this bar is a few women or men, who like you are feeling the slings and arrows of singles awareness day. (feb 14th). And though it appears they are just having a drink, they are as the night wears on in fact Loweing their standards. Its prime time to snag one. Don't sit around and mope this Singles Awareness Day, get out, lower your standards, and settle for something less then your dream tonight!! (this ad is sponsured by the devorce lawyers of america)

You came and asked me my name. I knew it was a come on. You wanted to know all about me, while watching only my breasts. Don't bother, you won't meet them later. I watched you for hours move, from woman to woman, you needed too much from others. I could have charmed you into giving me all. Your ATM, your credit card, Instead I told you "look at me, AT me. What do you see?" No answer but a question on his lips. "Do I look like someone who cares, do i strike you even for a minute as friendly. I am reading and you are a gnat in my day. Hours from now I will not remember you." we've talked every day for three years. Who knew the truth could set you free. And still I don't stop. THen yesterday you kissed me, I was floored and I was tempted. No, I cannot do this, the feeling still stands. A romance can be gone in an instant. but a friend lasts forever. I would rather be a friend, then some chick you fucked. And still I look like I don't care, and when I have that look, you stare at my tits.

I think I want to be naked, laying waist deep in desire. Lost in the rhymes of words unsaid. Screaming only your name, and unable to utter a single sound. I think I want this to be more then just a dream. To shake off my fears and stand proud in my nothing. Its strange how these things play around out minds and make up do nothing but lay in wanting or seek. I do nothing. I wait to ask. But I still think I want to be naked.