SweetSnailQueen's blog: "Poetry/blogging"

I had a dream. In that dream i was lifted. I was whole. Nothing could hurt me. no bullshit could find me. No one even thought of me. I was safe. I felt nothing, I was numb. Then suddenly, after years, something dark entered my dream. and it consumed it, and warped it into a nightmare. and I was stuck. trapped and in fear. i tried to wake up, but when i awoke it was all the same. I had stayed safe for so long. I had escaped. But then disaster struck my vacationing spot, and there were no flights out. It is forever changed. and it is now my home.

I am so so grateful right now. My 20 year old little brother just came to live with me. after I havent seen or spoken to him since he was 8 or 9. I raised him and my sister before being taken by the state...now hes here. in the next room. HIS room. in MY house...so so shocked right now. SO SO happy. We stayed up all night talking, without pause, after already having done the same together all day. you have no idea what that meant to me. He was my best friend then, he is my best friend now (h) (h) more later, just wanted to say WOW. 

and hes soooooooo beautiful :) my grown up boy. (h)

Satisfying Secret [Own Me]

Eyes so delicate, words so sweet,
plausible, making you want to believe,
making you want to hang on every word,
gaze so venomous, luring you to her,
makes me sick because I know that I'm
Kissing the same lips that tell all the lies,
What's worse is that I know it and I still
don't say a word, I keep the role of her
vulnerable, witless marionette, in the sick
puppet show play that she puts on in her head,
For everyone to see her cruel powerful ways,
and the effect she has on me, the way she uses me as
a pawn to feel all the more in control,
I am her victim, and she loves it,
she loves that I am inferior to her,
it pleasures her for me to fall prey to her mind games,
i am the servant, she the monarch,
my everlasting ruler, as I obey her every whim,
meanwhile being strummed like a banjo
in her own pathetic orchestra of songs about the oblivious
souls to be pitied like my own,
for all they see is that we are too naive to see,
that its all about how foolish we look to be bowing down,
to the one putting us through such agony in this torture chamber,
hooking us up as studies in her selfish experiment,
she's the fireball attached to the arrow being shot at my head,
I am blind folded for this outrageous act,
and they do not see that I am outside myself looking down on the scene,
I see everyone looking on,
Pitying me like I'm some poor forsaken soul,
I see what your doing,
Has It ever crossed your shallow minds that perhaps I like such treatment?,
Maybe I like the deceit, the secrets, the abuse,
The way she jerks my heart around, And Barks orders like I'm her slave,
It's such a sick sweet masochistic pattern that I'm in no way shape or form about to stop any time soon,
Secretly I enjoy the way she makes me beg for her to stop or stay,
I enjoy her sadistic ways of making me pay for disobeying "My Master",
Her malevolence turns me on, How she is in no way merciful,
How she torments me, How sadistic she seems to be as we fuck,
and she leaves my beaten and welted body to weep afterwards,
when I secretly am loving every second of her dominating ways,
I play the fool, sure I play the victim, but the trick is on her,
because little does she know that I worship the ground she walks on,
because by me giving into her sick ways, she is also giving into mine,
I own her, I manipulate her manipulation, and none of you have a clue
how much I enjoy the pain,
How I long to be punished,
So go ahead and bask in my humiliation,
I enjoy being the star in my own secret puppet show,
where in reality, she is the one being controlled,
the strings aren't really in her hands at all.
their in mine.