Over 16,535,231 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
"Blended Families"
Let me start with a basic definition, courtesy of dictionary.com (see, I cite my sources like a good girl)
blended family :
–noun
a family composed of a couple and their children from previous marriages.
Notice a key term to the definition, "their". Blended families are not defined by drawing lines in the sand, stating "his" and "hers". Rather, its an all encompassing term, specifying a new family formed by including both parties AND THEIR children.
Granted, things are complicated. More often than not, both biological parents are still in the picture to some extent, and often, one parent may object to another party stepping in to fill this role. Of course, for the case of this blurb, I'm not talking about replacement parents. More specifically, I'm talking about the social dynamics of a family structure who live within the same dwelling, where one of those parties is not a biological parent.
Regardless of your position on the subject, certain facts remain true. Whether intentional or not, the outside party will have an effect on your child(ren). Anyone with regular contact to your kids, whether teachers, friends, babysitters, extended family, etc. have substantial influence on your child(ren). I could cite sources here, but in the interest of keeping this reasonable in length, I'll let you do your own research.
When we tell a partner that we do not want that person taking a parental role in our children's lives, we are clearly defining boundaries as to how far we are willing to accept him/her into our own life. Consequently, we put that person in a very difficult position. By living in the same household and engaging in family activities, that person already has a great deal of influence over our children. However, what we are restricting is their level of authority, not their level of influence.
Instead, a proactive approach would be to discuss at length your personal view on parenting styles. Protecting your children isn't about shouldering all responsibility and authority. Rather, coming together with a person who shares your personal values and is willing to present a united front will provide the best outcome and the most stable home life.
I recently had a male friend of mine ask me, "Would you rather have sex with a guy who had a thick 9" penis, a guy with an average 6" penis, or a smaller 4" one and why?" To this, I replied that there wasn't enough information presented to formulate a real opinion. After an exasperated sigh on his end (which I seem to get regularly, due to my constant need for more information), I explained the entire mystery regarding what women think of penis size, and it's that knowledge I share today with you fine folks.
First, size DOES matter, but only in terms of confidence, really. What a girl generally finds is that, those packing the "big guns" tend to be rather self aware, and their ego often allows them to overlook performance. Similarly, those with smaller than average packages fail to have much in the area of confidence, and this too may be related in the bedroom. Here's the reality:
Big Boys: The Pros - In a way, penis size is a bit like breast size. While some like the appearance of something smaller, the vast majority of women enjoy the APPEARANCE of a large member. The Cons - The fact of the matter is, just like a woman with large jugs, a large erection does NOT equal a great sexual experience. It can limit certain positions or even injure the receiving partner - none are things we women are dreaming about. In other words, get over it already. Commit to being a better communicator in the bedroom, and realize that we aren't quite as impressed with your manhood as you are.
The Small Boys: The Pros - These are the guys who typically are much more aware of what women actually enjoy in the bedroom...a sort of, making up for the difference, so to speak. The Cons: A lack of confidence will work against you when the point of a sexual adventure is simple - both people enjoying the experience. Again, I give the same advice...get over it already. It's not about having the flashiest tool in the drawer...it's knowing what you can do with it that counts.
The "Average" Boys: The Pros - Physically, these guys are designed for the female body. Most people don't realize, but there IS an average length to the vaginal canal. Is it any surprise that the average is very close to the average penis size? This gives a couple the most options in regards to positions, etc. The Cons - I can't think of a specific con, per se, other than not taking advantage of the diversity awarded to you. Keep mixing it up, guys. Variety is the spice of life. ;)
To summarize, penis size really doesn't have a lot to do with actual enjoyment of sexual activity. Rather, a partner who communicates openly, who we find attractive, and who we trust enough to relay our own sexual desires - that's the guy that's gonna win in the sack.
Please understand, all of my personal blurbs are my own OPINION, and in no way are meant to offend anyone. I openly encourage those to express different perspectives, and ask me to expand or explain anything in which you would like clarification. If you'd like me to rant about a particular topic in your mind, by all means, let me know. I'm willing to take on any challenge with the same objectivity.
ATTENTION: I'm looking for someone willing to do this on his OWN profile...a sort of "male perspective" sort of deal. Any takers?
TRUTHS (or at least my personal truths):
1. No one is, or ever will be EXACTLY perfect for you. There will always be at least something that will annoy the living f*ck out of you. Pick your battles. Decide what you can live with.
2. Just because you see something quite clearly, do not expect your significant other to always comprehend things in the same way. Patience is key here...so is compromise.
3. There will be rough times. This is the reason for a solid foundation. However, if there are rough spots in the beginning, chances are, this relationship will not weather the bigger storms to come. Pay attention to early warning signs.
4. When you're having trouble in your relationship, do not go to a "friend" of the opposite sex to confide in. This can be problematic on many levels...probably more than you could ever guess. You HAVE to talk to your partner about your issues, even if its hard. You two are the ONLY people who can resolve your relationship problems.
5. Sometimes the hottest fires burn out the fastest. A slow, building burn is a far better approach in the long run. Don't let lust and butterflies ruin what could be a good thing, given a little patience.
6. Sometimes relationships end, not because you're incompatible...but because you've rushed through the building process to reach a "destination". A relationship is NOT a destination. It's yet another journey. Be prepared to walk the path with someone...don't carry your partner, and don't allow someone to carry you. Eventually, one of you will tire out.
Who Cheats?
Today's topic covers an issue very close to many of us. most people have experienced a cheating partner, or have cheated, themselves. Most of us haven't really thought about the reasons for this with any level of objectivity, though. Usually, the experience is far too painful for any amount of emotional distancing.
I realize that what I'm about to say is rather controversial, and I'm certain I'll get plenty of angry messages, but I firmly believe that EVERYONE has the capacity to cheat. No one believes that they are the "type", yet so many find themselves doing just that. It's far more productive to examine WHY people cheat, rather than WHICH people cheat.
Many of you have now deduced that, because I can say such things, I MUST have cheated on someone. The reality is, I've been cheated on in nearly every relationship I've been involved in. Despair.com has a saying that reads, "DYSFUNCTION: The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." While this is meant to be taken as a simple demotivational phrase, I've come to realize (perhaps because I ponder far too often) just how accurate and intuitive the expression really is.
So the question remains: Why do we cheat? The answer really boils down to a lack of something vital in the relationship, combined with a block in communication between partners. Here's a brief list I've managed to come up with, and what we can do to best prevent them:
Lack of Attention - This usually occurs because of a physical distance (not living in the same household, etc), or because life gets too busy - kids, work, friends, family, etc. We have to make an effort to spend QUALITY time with our partners.
Stuck in a Rut - Have we ever found ourselves bound by the roles we play in our lives - as parents, workers, students, spouses - to the point where we can nearly predict how each and every moment will play out? Have we ever lost our sense of "self"? This is when we find ourselves thinking of our single days, and all the mystery and excitement included. People in this situation may very much love and appreciate their partner, and for that reason, they don't bring these feelings up in an attempt to spare the feelings of their loved one. The solution here is to be as open as possible about how you're feeling, and work WITH your partner to add spice back into the mix.
Compatibility - Ah, the all-encompassing term! Unfortunately, it applies here as well. You have to be able to see your partner on equal terms. You have to both respect, and feel respected by that person. You have to be physically, emotionally, and intellectually attracted from the beginning. Unfortunately, most of us stop at physical and emotional attraction. HOW SOMEONE THINKS will play a vital role in your relationship! If you find yourself lacking in any of these areas, you may find yourself subconsciously searching to fill that need.
"Back Pocket" Approach - Have you ever met someone who, while you were interested to some extent, that person just didn't have the chemistry to focus your full attention? How many of you in this situation have kept that person in waiting, usually through promises, sweet words, or physical intimacy, while you continued your search for that "right" person on the side? I think this is VERY common in the dating scene. We want to be with someone. We find someone who seems to fit what we are looking for, and yet we're not quite ready to give up the search. Yes, guys...I find this a form of cheating. Just be honest. There's nothing wrong with playing the field a bit...testing the waters. Just make certain the one you're keeping around is well aware of your intentions. She deserves the same opportunity.
To be continued in the next blurb...
After a relationship: Three steps to recovery, and the most commonly made mistakes
Aside: There are absolutely NO time limitations regarding these stages of recovery. The duration of the previous relationship, the level of emotional commitment, and the circumstances surrounding the ending of the relationship all contribute to the length of time required to move through each step.
The first stage after a LTR break up is rather obvious, in my opinion. We are hurt, angry, and suddenly feeling incredibly lonely. It is usually this stage when most of us return to the dating scene, hoping to get back some sense of "togetherness" that seems to be constantly on our minds. We look for others to patch up the holes, so to speak...sometimes we even consider re-entering (or attempting to re-enter) our past relationship, simply because we convince ourselves that we miss that person, no matter how difficult the relationship really was. We plague ourselves with questions about what we could have done differently in order to avoid the end. This is the "f*cked up the fairytale" stage, or as some would say "carrying around baggage". People who choose to re-enter the dating world at this level are emotionally unstable, and will rarely if ever be truly ready for a lasting relationship. YOU WILL GET JERKED AROUND. This doesn't happen because they are being malicious, but rather, they cannot possibly have anything to offer when still consumed by the ghosts of the past.
The second stage is typically marked by not being consumed with emotion every time we think about our previous situation, and often, even smart, rational people make the mistake of thinking they are ready for a new relationship at this point. The problem is that we haven't yet discovered who we are on our own terms yet. In a LTR, your sense of self is often defined by your role in the relationship. Simple things like socializing with friends may take on a completely different atmosphere, much like a feeling of something misplaced. How can we possibly offer anyone else a real shot at a relationship when we still don't have a sense of who we are on our own yet?
The third and final stage is learning to move on. After going through the hurts, rediscovering who we are, and finally feeling comfortable on our own, the idea of getting into another relationship can be a very scary thing, indeed. We worry about the pattern repeating itself, and the feeling of hurt is still fresh in our minds. For those of us who attempt dating at this stage, we are very guarded, and often quite unwilling to open up and allow someone else to see us for who we really are. For another group of us, we decide a long term relationship just isn't possible, and we opt to "play the field", in a sense, protecting ourselves from the possibility of re-experiencing that kind of hurt again. You can't get hurt if you don't care about someone, right?
Only after ALL THREE stages have been successfully navigated, will someone truly be ready to consider a fulfilling, long term relationship. Talk to each other about your history. Pay attention to the warning signs I've outlined here, and choose people who are emotionally ready for something real.
Good luck out there. :) As usual, comments or critiques are welcome.
The "Emotional Leap".
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where, after initial contact (most likely because you were attracted to a profile pic, and a response because the other party was attracted by yours), a few conversations with someone, either you or the other party begin to develop "feelings"? Pfft...who are we kidding? We've ALL had this happen at some point. Anyways, to continue... What do these new emotions do for you, exactly? Do they help you to better understand the other person? Do they inspire you to look deeper and see exactly whether or not this person is, indeed, a match? OF COURSE NOT. Early emotions, my friends, are the fly in the ointment...the top of a downward spiral. This is due to the fact that A)You thoroughly ENJOY that warm, fuzzy feeling of "connection" and want it to last as long as possible and B)have now begun fantasizing about this person, placing him/her in your life, allowing your mind to fill in all the information you haven't yet uncovered.
How many times has someone (or you) said something like "I just want to hold you in my arms", or some other random piece of useless mush that has absolutely nothing at all to do with how well the two of you will fit as a couple? My guess is that you've heard (or said) this quite a lot.
These early emotions also are the primary reason people tend to fall into the "dating pitfalls". Its our best defense against losing that warm, fuzzy feeling we seem to suddenly need so much. Another terrible phenomenon is that our mind no longer lets us communicate with objectivity and complete rationality. In a sense, we've already fast forwarded to the happy ending, and the rest is simply details we'd like to hurry up and get through.
Here's the bad news. Even WITH this information, you're still going to find yourself emotionally attached to others well before the due process. It's unavoidable, if you're actually trying to remain open and unguarded. So let me guess. A lot of you reading this have suddenly gotten a very unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach. Trust, though, that all hope is NOT lost. As long as you RECOGNIZE these feelings for what they are, continue to communicate openly, attempt to discourage fantasizing, and do your very best to avoid the common "dating pitfalls", you may still survive dating hell, and find yourself in a more stable, easily maintained relationship at the end of it all. Patience is the key. Force yourself to have some. If you have to, set the guidelines for that other person...both people need to be on board, here.
Good luck out there. :)
Pitfalls of Dating:
"Parroting" - How many people here have had endless conversations with others, where the most common response is "Oh I agree" or "Oh I like that too", only to find out that it clearly wasn't the case?
"Guarding" - Have you ever noticed that the things we most commonly guard about are the things most important to us? Isn't it better to put those things out there and see how the other person reacts? Isn't that what determines compatibility?
"Omissions" - How many of you have entered a relationship, only to find out about a secret that, if you had known before, you would have made a different choice? Why do we set ourselves up for failure that way? It's one thing to want to put our best foot forward...but we need to be honest about who we are, where we've come from, and what we want out of life.
"Exaggerations" - Have you ever picked up on something that the other person clearly liked, and sometimes even without thinking, embellished on it, or brought it out more than usual simply to impress? You see this quite commonly with women in regards to sex. This clearly doesn't work, because it's ALWAYS only temporary...you can't maintain something that clearly isn't "you" forever.
"Overlooking" - How many times have you noticed something that you really didn't like about someone, and decided it was A)no big deal or B)something to work on, only to enter a relationship and discover that it A)IS a big deal and B)you can't change the person? Lets not overlook the important things, people. A small pet peeve like nail biting is one thing...but the important things really should be examined well beforehand.
As usual, comments and critiques are welcome.
