DarkTwisted's blog: "Pieces Of Me.."

               Listen closely, because I don't wont to say it twice...   

          I'm a real woman with hips, my body is not  perfect...

 I'm a pain in the ass sometimes and sometimes I'm not nice....

I will test your patience and at times wanting me is something you'll regret...

I'm independent and opinionated, I'm stubborn and a fighter... You'll want to help me and I won't let you...

But on most days, I'll make you forget every woman before me...

I'm sweet, I'm loyal, I'll fight for my man and he'll always feel wanted...

I'll  warm your body with mine, when you are cold, kiss your lips before you sleep...

When you've worked hard all day and your muscles are sore I'll massage the aches aways....

And when you want me, I'll tease you just a little, then give all of me to you and make you wish for more...

I'll be weak in front of you and ask you to be strong and hold me close...

You will never be wanting, never question you are mine or that I am yours...

Take me as I am my scars and all, you'll never be bored, you'll always feel loved...

 

        

Monsters... In the corners of the world I call my own, there are monsters calling to me and disguising themselves as memories... In one corner this monster called himself uncle and touched me with unloving evil claws like blades ripping away my innocence... I close my eyes and pray for my mother, my father, God, anyone to save me from the darkness that he brings to my soul... Sometimes I float out of the body I myself did not know and now is violated to please the beast made of flesh and bone... I float to places other children live, where thier bodies are still untouched and they live without fear and confusion that wear on my little body... Places filled with Candyland and rootbeer floates... I return home after a night of terror and pretend I am like the others to save my family from the pain of knowing what they have not seen... I am visited even to this day on occassion from the memory of this monster on days when it pushes itself up from deep dark place I keep hidden... In another corner there is a monster called Chris who I once called mine, who took what I would not give in a rage of alcohol and self hatred, peeling my fragile self esteem and dignity from my body and throwing them to the floor whispering to me to tell me he knows I want him... He shows himself in my inability to love with complete trust and faith... I wait because I am sure the love they show has a price to pay... Never resting, never breathing freely, never feeling safe... In another corner not really a monster but a man who loved me deeply once and let monsters he battled for our freedom keep him, never to return... He tried to hide himself, the man calling me wife. Pretending to be the one I vowed to love, shielding himself with alcohol and a familiar face... But this was someone new... No strength, no love outside himself... Now try to love again, many have tried to show it to me... I fight because I know no other way... I need, I want light, love, strong arms to show me another way... Out of the dark corners, away from the monsters, and into life before it is too late...

I wish I could get a shot and fix my damaged mind.... Take out all the insanity that fills it to the brim.... I hate the way it works, how it makes my life so hard... Making every day such a struggle, remembering the simplest of task... Leaving me feeling so worthless and confused, my self esteem so damaged... People make jokes, get frustrated, dont understand how helpless I feel... To them its a learning dissability, to me a disease taking my life piece by piece.. I keep seceret how bad it really is, that my memory worsens by the day.... I want to ask for help yet cant imagine what can make it right again... The anger overwhelms me at times, no control over it, addicted to meds... Write yourself a note, get a planner, too bad I misplace or forget both.... Everyday I try so hard, feeling so stupid, pretending it does not tear me apart... I just want to be normal, think like I should, react as others, not feel like a joke.. I look normal, I do normal things, so there is not much understanding.... It affects my work, my relationships, my ability to be a good mother.... But all most see is laziness, oh she's such a blonde, or she just doesnt get it... I see no end in sight, so many things I can not undue, I'm drowning now... I've lost posessions, lost money, lost jobs, lost friends, lost my mind.... I HATE feeling sorry for myself, helpless, crazy, defeated, alone.... I will keep smiling pretend the jokes do not hurt, I dont want thier pitty... I'm supposed to be strong, laugh it off, get it right, be hard core..... So I wake up, take my pills, get through another day, save the tears for night... A.D.D. is taking my creativity, it is crushing my spirit, I am tired of the fight....

I stand at the edge of tomorrow looking at the future I cross the line into the off limits zone, its torchure I am stronger, I fight harder, longer, better than before I am not who I appear, not who you impose, not at my core I am not crazy, I am not scared, I make my own decisions I don't ask, I don't follow, I make my own collisions I walk, I skip, I run, I jump into my own abyss I love, I laugh, I remember, I weap. I hate, I wish I am here standing in front of you, waiting for you I am ready, I will break my rules, I want to be a "we" You look at me, you see me, you are unsure of me You are strong, you are brave, you are not like others You smile at me, you take no bullshit, I'm discovered We are here at the door, we smile, we look, we know We are the missing piece of our puzzles, we are just beggining our lifes picture show....

Show me the way because I have not found it.. I bleed everyday the anguish of the unkown... Why can't I be what others find acceptable??? It sometimes seems I am on the outside always.. I don't have the secret handshake or password.. Why do I feel like the new kid n the block?? When will I be good enough to be invited?? I don't know but, I am done begging, I am enough. I am enough for me, if not for you, fuck off...

She is distracted and her mind is chaotic She finds peace in the chaos you run from She seeks danger and teases fate's temper She starts and never finishes but, wants to She seeks approval but, ignores praise She ask for sensuality only to turn it away She creates beauty and life to see a reaction She is insane and you believe she pretends She is so alone in her head and you will never reach her She is me and I am her, my life is not my own, who am I?

My body is not perfect, my hair is always a mess, my smile a little sideways.. I laugh at all the wrong times, and cry too hard, but I don't care much these days.. I love the blues, being barefoot, a hot summer rain, and a good man in my bed.. I'm jaded, I live in my jeans, no fancy lingerie for me, it'll be boxer and a t-shirt instead.. I ache for our soldiers and the families who love them, I scream at this sometimes ugly life. I hope for better days, live for the laughter of my children, their pain cuts me like a knife. Who am I, you may ask, I am a mother, a woman, a daughter, a sister, and even an aunt. So, while I am not perfect, I love, I am loved, and the worries of the world ignore, I can't.