Hug Zombie's blog: "Personal Shit, Advice?"

Madness. Insanity. I often wonder whether I'm going insane or not, or if I have something inside of me that will one day be triggered, pushing me over the edge into insanity. Today, in our overly politically correct world, we used the term mentally ill, but the real word is insane, crazy. There used to be insane aslyums, now there are mental health facilities. It makes me wonder, have we come any closer to helping those that are crazy, or are we just making it easer to ignore them, to "adjust" them to daily life, drugging them into a sort of tranquility that makes it easier to deal with them, or to tolerate them. There was a time of electroshock therapy and lobotomies, now there are "miracle" drugs. But do they really help? Do they really make the insane not so crazy? If I were to lose my mind, would anything bring me back? There are days where I feel that I've lost control over my mind somehow and other days where I feel just fine. But in the back of the recesses of my mind, there is always that feeling that I have or will lose my mind altogether. It's as if my sanity were standing on a tightrope, hoping to God it doesn't fall off, praying that it will keeps it's balance and keep control. Could there be something that would completely throw that off? Am I more susceptible to madness than other people? Do other people often wonder whether they're completely sane or not? I already know I have a propensity for depression. It's recurrent depending on the ebbs and flows of my life. I let it consume me, I don't stop it from taking over my life from time to time. I just let it wash over me, bathing me in all it's hopelessness, guilt, and sadness. Some people would say that's not the intelligent thing to do, that I should fight it, that I shouldn't want to be depressed. But, it's almost comforting, an actual constant I can count on in my life. I can always count on me having a big depression every so often. What good would fighting do? How do you fight something that's so engrained into your soul? How do you fight part of your identity? I don't feel the need to fight it like other people do, which is partially why I'm a little concerned about whether or not I'll go insane. If I let myself delve into the depression, who's to say I'll ever come back up again? Maybe one day I'll fall and I'll keep falling, falling further and further until I don't even know how long I've been falling.

So there is this person who has entered my life that is affecting me in ways that kind of scare me. I mean, he is forcing me to reevaluate my whole being, who I am and who I want to be. Few people affect me in that manner, because I don't feel comfortable with it. I don't like change, especially change from within. I would prefer to remain the same way I've always been. But he makes me want to change, makes me want to be a different, better person. He is an honest, open, genuine person himself and I don't doubt their intentions as being anything but benevolent. I guess a lot of the "issue" here is my inability to open up immediately. For the most part, it's not that I don't want to, I just don't know how to or can't. A lot of people would say "it's not that you can't, it's that you won't" but I say fuck you to them. I know he really wants emotional intimacy. He's given it to me and I have yet to fully reciprocate. I dwell on it because I know it's what he wants, but it's something I don't know how to fully give. It frustrates me because I can see that need, and I feel like a wretched person because I can't give him what he needs. I trust him to a certain extent and I think a lot of my fears have to do with rejection. What if he sees the real me and doesn't like what he sees? Or doesn't accept my true inner self or my real emotions? Sometimes I don't even know my real emotions and I can't always verbalize them, but that's not the "issue" here. The "issue" is that I've spent my entire life being closed off. Being closed off was supposed to protect me from the evils of the world, yet it seems to be systematically destroying me and everything/everyone I love. My private/closed off nature is going to force me to lose one of the best things that's happened to me so far, unless I change. But how do you change a part of you after being a certian way for so long? How do you go against your instinctive nature and break off from the past? How do you let go of the past hurts and the secret pains, because we all have secret pain? ON TOPIC LYRICS: "Something Corporate "The Runaway" if you ran to the end of the earth i would catch you and you would be safe if you fell down the well i would bring you a rope and take all the pain all the pain, all the pain that you hide from me everyday if youre missing i will run away i will build a path to you if you're missing i will run away because I find myself in you if i woke up alone i won't stop till i'll find you and you are with me cause by now, i know you better than you know yourself and i know what you really need what you need, or i need but either way this is where you should be here with me, or ill bleed so much that you wont believe if you're missing i will run away i will build a path to you if you're missing i will run away because I find myself in you you better not, you better not run you better not, you better not run if you're missing i will run away i will build a path to you if you're missing i will run away i will find you i will find you i will find you But anyways, so I don't particularly know what to do about it. I could just accept the need to change and actually change for once. I could ignore the inclination, but the force is strong with this one (sorry, I had to put that in there). Anyways, in other news, I'm working too much, sleeping barely enough, and totally got the boy I wanted. Yay me. *applause* Okay, in all seriousness, life is going pretty well these days. My cats are a little psychotic, my roommate is kick ass (even if he does spill beer while throwing away banners we stole), my boyfriend is an amazing human being, my coworkers are wonderfully dysfunctional, and I have a free Christmas Tree.