TRYST Kushiels Handmaiden's blog: "Personal Life."

Just suffer from depression, comes with be an artist I think, we feel things deeper, too easily. Today I stood in the dead center of DC. the center square and just looked around. Stood on a bench and felt this pulse and vibration that could kill someone if they just KNEW it was there. I saw all the power and none of the ethics, the center of art and real beauty. Saw the endless pain in milky eyes of a homeless man. As a business man in a big suit got into a flashy car and didn't even see him. Kids playing in the same streets where they will later shoot each other down. The oldest church's, and no real faith. Money and beauty, power, and empty hope. It was so real and so deep that I thought I was going to scream. I hate it when I get like this. It breaks me. had a stranger tell me he could see the hurt and need for love in my eyes. And I looked at him and couldn't stop myself and said "these are the eyes of the youth of our world" Love is endless and has no death. IT floats and survives into death. You can always make MORE love. And like any muscle you're heart needs to be worked to grow. But here, I am a speck of bleeding heart and endless tears that I think is never going to be able to make it better. Unfathomably faith. I still want to change the world. I want to make it better. But how can you, when you're haunted by the dead forgotten and feel bad for them. When the news breaks your heart. You mourn the soldiers and the villains at the same time? Normally I can be blind like them all, but I am keenly aware. Too aware and I know I am not alone. But it seems so rare when everyone is looking, but no one sees. I just don't belong here. I dun know. I feel it like a pulse, a vibration the cries and screams and too many ppl are deft to the cry.

"Time is Precious, but truth is more precious than time"

Crickets are chirpin the water is high Theres a soft cotton dress on the line hangin dry Windows wide open african trees Bent over backwards in a hurricane breeze Not a word, a goodbye, not even a note Shes gone with the man in the long black coat Somebody seem him hangin around At the old dance hall on the outskirts of town He looked into her eyes when she stopped him to ask If he wanted to dance he had a face like a mask Somebody said, from the Bible he quote There was dust on the man in the long black coat Preacher was talkin theres a sermon he gave He said every mans conscience is vile and depraved You cannot depend on it to be your guide When its you who must keep it satisfied It aint easy to swallow, it sticks in the throat She give her heart to the man in the long black coat One, two... There are no mistakes in life some people say Its true sometimes you can see it that way People dont live or die, people just float She give her heart to the man in the long black coat Theres smoke on the water, its been there since june Tree trunks uprooted in the high crescent moon Hear the pulse and vibrations and the rumblin force Somebodys out there beating on a dead horse She never said nothin, there was nothin she wrote Shes gone with the man in the long black coat

I declare the space around me DRAMA Free. Those who bring any un-needed drama into my life will have their eyes scratched out! I have reached my limit on BS and Drama, leave it at the door and just be happy. And stop with the damn lifetime solution to a temp problem.

thinking a lot tonight. Dun know what about. Krow kept coming into my mind last night. Its the first time I have missed him since I learned the truth that he was a lier and everything he said to me he was saying to others. That our love was fake. Well HIS. I loved him totally. ::sighs:: But thre are times when I miss the sound of his voice. When I dun know where to go. Sometimes I think I am not really over him and just looking for ways to drive him crazy and make him see what he lost. Then there are days when I don't even think of him. ::sighs:: Hence the Charlotte Church "The Prayer"

Sometimes ther is nothing i want more then his touch. Sometimes, I love him so much I am sure it will kill me. Sometimes, when I close my eyes I can feel him touch me. Sometimes, I doubt him but want nothing but him happy. Sometimes, i think this could kill me. And sometimes, just sometimes, I love him beyond the telling.

Some people just don't get it. Pain is what makes you stronger. Its lessons and a blessing. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So I enjoy that pain, it makes me stronger. And there comes a time when shit twists your brain, and you learn to enjoy the pain, maybe not the emotional side, but the physical side. It becomes the thing that drives you just a lil harder. Anger and agony are better then misery. Grow from it. Alter your perception. When you meet a sub, while yes she will love to pleasure her master to please him, sometimes she craves the violence and the darkness. Even more so when she's had more then a few and needs the pain to remind her she's still alive and not totally disconnected. You'll thank me later when you understand. No matter what everyone gets to this point. Just a matter if you control it, or it controls you.

Haveing one of those days where I feel totally alone. cast off by the people who said they were your friends but turns out, they were only there for as long as you could entertain them. One of these days I will find someone who WON'T take advantage of my kindness. Since I have had it since i was a kid. If I was an EMO kid I'd be sitting in a corner with a razor blade. Instead I am a hard rocking biotch and I am sitting in a chair in the main room watching the door with a beer and a baseball bat. BATTER UP!

WHine whine whine whine, bitch rant bitch rant bitch rant. Curse fluently, damn the system. Damn this place. whine whine whine whine. I want some damn sympathy. rant rage rant rage rant rage. Stupid shit stupid shit, and what fucking ever! I think I am done for a while now.

This may take you two minutes to read this but if you do not take the time to read this you are one of the people this post is talking about. You stay up for 16 hours He stays up for days on end. _________________________ You take a warm shower to help you wake up. He goes days or weeks without running water. __________________________ You complain of a "headache", and call in sick. He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward. __________________________ You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends. He still fights for your right to wear that shirt. __________________________ You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket. He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags. __________________________ You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you. He knows he may not see some of his buddies again. __________________________ You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls. He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists. _________________________ You complain about how hot it is. He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow. __________________________ You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong. He doesn't get to eat today. __________________________ Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes. He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean. __________________________ You go to the mall and get your hair redone. He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today. __________________________ You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over. He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months. __________________________ You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight. He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home. __________________________ You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday. He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume. __________________________ You roll your eyes as a baby cries. He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet __________________________ You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything. He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting. __________________________ You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him. He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded. __________________________ You see only what the media wants you to see. He sees the broken bodies lying around him. __________________________ You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't. He does exactly what he is told. __________________________ You stay at home and watch TV. He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat. __________________________ You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable. He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gunfire. __________________________ You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him. If only there were more men like him If you support your troops, forward this with a If you don't support your troops well, then don't forward, it's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your right to bitch about them