Deathbydolls fuEngaged to Beezy's blog: "Per Molestias Eruditio"

Im moving. almost all the plans are set. I cant fucking wait. Theres just 1 problem. I feel like no one cares that Im leaving. All of my "friends" are so.. "mm yeah thats nice". I went out with my lifelong best friend tonight, and hes crushed, but he understands. He is happy I'm finally "escaping". I realized I had an impact on him, but did I with anyone else? If no one else gives a shit, then obviously I didnt do very well in this life.Or maybe, they just arent really my friends, and I have only 1 true friend. I dont know. Im confused. Fuck.

So, Im leaving. My cousin offered me a place to stay, and a car, and oh yeah, help. Even if your like " ew. alabama" like One particular person i know.. *hums deliverance*, Im fucking going. Im getting out. Escape. New life. or even, just a place to die. more on this later.

I'm feeling crossed I take it inside Burn up the pain My thoughts are strange Just like the things I used to love Just like the tree that fell I heard it If art is still inside I feel it I wanna bleed Show the world all that I have inside I wanna scream Let the blood flow that keeps me alive Take all these strings They call my veins Wrap them around Every fucking thing Presence of people Not for me Well I must remain in tune Forever My love is music I will marry melody I wanna bleed Show the world all that I have inside I wanna scream Let the blood flow that keeps me alive Won't you let me take you For a ride You can stop the world Try to change my mind Won't you let me show you How it feels You can stop the world But you won't change me I need music I need music I need music to set me free To let me bleed The past couple of nights have been a whirlwind of strange thoughts. They enter for a little while, then leave again, with only a whisper left in my mind. I feel battered and cold, uncaring about anything except the physical pain that I am craving to bring me back. But of course, I myself cannot inflict it, otherwise, I will bring harsh words upon me by people who love me. (( Except for the God Fucking, Jesus Loving Hypocrite)). I want to be held close now, I want to be touched and told it'll be ok. I want to fall asleep being held close, I want to be near anyone that knows how I feel... I want to be in Florida, I want him to be here, I want to be not alone. At this very moment, I dont know what Im saying. I am beginning to believe that I have truly becoming clinically insane after my little outburst yesterday towards crazy christians who think they can save the world with the words of Almighty God. "God isnt here today". "God" cant save my goddamn soul. It's too late... I just want to be held, by anyone really, anyone who knows what Im feeling, or at least can somewhat comprehend it. I want to be with the guy I love, whether he believes in love or not. I want to be happy. I am losing my thoughts now, feeling almost delusional... Time for bed I do believe. Gnite, well to some, Good morning. have a happy fucking day. :) oh how I want to be drunk, maybe I'll make sense then.... probably not. "Joe": y are u still alive miss death by dolls: not by choice I can tell you that much sir. "Joe": damnit "Joe": ur death is imminent death by dolls: yes sir it is. either by my own hand, or someone else's. Id prefer it to be by my own hands, at my own mercy.

So, its 330 am, and I cant sleep. Not that I ever really do. Tonight is especially hard. I dont know why. Well, maybe I do, but Im just confused about things. I am beginning to feel detached from things, life I guess. And I dont really want that. I dont want to be numb again. I dont want to go back to the girl who wanted to end her life just a measly 6 months ago. I hated that girl, yet I wanted to go with the impulses. Ive traded one bad habit for another, which will only kill me in the long run, but its better than my already visible scars. I hate feeling alone, almost helpless and used, although Ive become accustomed to these emotions over the dragging years. I can only remember very few times in my life when I was happy, how pathetic is that? I feel like I've grown cold, yet when I cried, he said I wasnt cold at all. So many things are happening at once, and I dont know what I can control and what I cant. Ive learned not to control most of my feelings, to let them out in some way, like talking or writing them down in my poetry, because otherwise, I become numb and detached. And then, I really do become cold. I want to push everyone out of my life, but for once, I realized that I need some support. Most of my "friends" have said Ive changed. Maybe they're right. There are very few people who I talk to now. Even less that I trust. Ive been hurt by so many people over the years, I just dont want to think he could hurt me too, even though, his words can be cold too. But I know him, at least I think I do. I just wish that he would trust me, open up a little more, and believe me when I tell him that I understand. Ive been through alot more than people think, and Im not that naive. And I remember everything, right down to the most insignificant detail, hoping that maybe, it has meaning. I do think Im becoming a blabbering mess, I dont think I know what Im saying right now. And if you end up reading this, let me know. Its nice to know that someone out there understands. Now that Im feeling utterly alone, I think Im going to go for a walk.

Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong But tonight you're on my mind so you never know I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it Where are you tonight, you know how much I need it Too young to hold on and too old to break free and run Fun And he's much too blind to see the damage he's done Cause sometimes a man must awake to find that really he has no one So I'll wait for you and I'll burn Will I ever see your sweet return Oh will I ever learn Oh lover, you should've come over 'Cause it's not too late Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come Fun And he's much too blind to see the damage he's done Cause sometimes a man must awake to find that really he has no one So I'll wait for you and I'll burn Will I ever see your sweet return Oh will I ever learn Oh lover, you should've come over 'Cause it's not too late 'Cause it's not too late This came on my ipod at the most inappropriate time this morning, made me think of my own and only regret I have ever had in my entire life, which was dating you. Now, im not saying I regret the time spent with you, or anything like that. I love you, you know that. I regret saying yes, because if I hadnt said yes, then I would still have you in my life. and that is my deepest regret, as much as I have apologized to you, and get nothing in return, because now, you have turned even more cold than I ever thought you could be, and more close minded and heartless and shallow, I realized that I shouldnt have said yes, bc then, maybe, you would still be around. I would still have my rock, my floatation device. But, you're not here, and you bitch to everyone how lost I've become, and you're right. Im horribly lost, but Im finding my own way. I have also realized that in the past 2 years, I dont really need you in my life, no matter how horribly much I WANT you in my life. But you dont accept apologies, you dont listen even if I scream at you with all of my might to make you hear me( even though you say I dont, in which I listen more than you think). But my thoughts are escaping me now, and all I want to do is talk to the person who understands what its like. and that person isnt you anymore. one more thing: If you read this, comment, PLEASE! If you read into my personal life, then you should at least tell me so. thank you.

Ok, so you want me out of your life after 5 years? Ok, done. but on one condition. You stop stalking my pages, reading my blogs and away messages and then texting me about them with your sarcastic asshole remarks. I'm a big girl sweetheart, I can take care of myself. If you are that concerned about me, then fucking be here for me as the best friend you used to be until everything got fucked up. Youve been telling me for months to treat you like a friend again, and I am, and now you say I'm annoying the fuck out of you? How does it feel sweetie? You dont tell me shit about your life, and yet you want to know every tiny detail about mine, right now to who I'm fucking, which by the way, is and has never been any of your goddamn business. :) And if you think going to florida is fucking up my life, then guess what, im going to be seriously fucked up then huh? Its 1 week, not an entire year. I can use my head and be responsibible without someone holding my hand and telling me what to do. And since I know your going to either read this on here or myspace, dont bother to respond. You want me out, fine. So be it. I dont snoop into your life, so dont snoop into mine. And, have fun at ball with anna. yes, I know your happy I'm not going, I heard all about it. So you know what, Fuck you. Have a nice life, hope you do well with you dream job. Hope you get a nice wife and wonderful kids, but dont ever come to me again. :) And if you do, I will walk away from you EXACTLY like you have done to me when Ive needed you. It hurts alot. :) Have a fucking rotten day sweetie.

So, I finally got my parents ( well one of them at least) to agree to let me go to florida for a week with my friend. That was an accomplishment. Now all I need to do is come up with $1000 before June 20th with my shitty part time job. But even if I cant get the money, well at least not all of it, I am determined to go. Nothing is going to stop me. Everything is almost all set,and I want/need to see Mike. It's a yearning I have. Never have I wanted anything more. I get to go without having someone to tell me to calm down, behave myself. fuck that. This is my way to freedom. No one is going to be breathing down our necks telling us what to do. This is something I need to do without them. Jax Beach is going to be awsome, and the beach, and everything is going to be perfect. :) This is the reason to keep sane right now. And not get upset by others that are (or should I say,trying to at least) dragging me down..and with college right around the corner (( in which, i havent done a damn thing to prepare for. yep, im a procrastinator)) I can do what I need to keep sane, and not worry about my family, my fucked up friends (( cough cough )), and everything else thats fucked up in the world. Im going to have 1 week to myself to have fun and do what I want (( and no rizzo, that doesnt mean drinking the entire time)). :) I love life right now. :) :)

1. Spell your name without an E,S,H,I,M,A: chl 2. Are you available? yes 3. What’s your favorite number? 7 and 13 4. Favorite color? black and turquoise, and hot pink 5. Least favorite color? brown 6. What are you listening to? Bruise by The Bens 8. Are you happy with your life right now? hahahaha no. 9. Favorite subject? english and studyhall. 10. Do you shop at hollister/abercrombie/AE?: hahaha no. 11. How do you make money? I gots a job 13. Are you outgoing? yes 14. One word to describe you? fuckedup. 15. Do you like Mac's? Not particularly. 16. Do you own big sunglasses? yes 17. Where do you wish you were right now? Florida 18. What should you be doing right now? sleeping. 19. Do you have a crush on anyone right now? not really. THE CANS: Can you blow a bubble?: sure can. Can you do a cart wheel?: nope Can you touch your toes?: mhmm. Can you whistle?:barely. Can you wiggle your ears?: yes Can you wiggle your nose?: yeah. Can you roll your tongue?: yes. THE DIDS: Did you ever want to be a doctor?: yes Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?: No. THE DO'S: Do you believe in God?: no Do you know how to swim?: Yes. Do you like roller coasters?: Yes. Do you own a bike?: yes Do you think you could be on those reality shows?: nope. THE DOES: Does hair loss run through your family?: no. Does your car get good gas mileage?: Lol no. Does your family have family picnics?: Used to. THE HAVES: Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yes. Have you ever gone fishing?: Yes. THE HOWS: How much money do you have on you right now?: $7 THE LASTS: Last person you hung out with?: my brother Last thing you said out loud?: I dont want to talk about this right now. Last thing someone said to you?: my mothers ranting THE WHATS: What is the temperature outside?: 45 What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Kirbys Bar and Grill (( where I work)) What was the last thing you bought?: cigarettes. What was the last thing you had to drink?: water What was the last thing you watched?: requiem for a dream THE WHOS: Who was the last person you IM'd?: stephanie Who talked to you on the phone last?: wendy Who was the last person you took a picture of?: myself. Who was the last person to leave you a comment: no clue, go check for me. CRYING SECTION: Ever really cried your heart out?: Yes. Ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yes. Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: Yes. Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Yes. Do you cry when you get an injury?: Nope Do certain songs make you cry?: yeah. definately. HAPPY SECTION: What makes you happy?: feeling loved Do you wish you were happier?: everyday Is being happy overrated?: at times. Can music make you happy?: always. HATE SECTION: Do you actually hate anyone?: yes Have you ever been on a hit list?: nope Are you a mean bully?: i can be a bitch SELF ESTEEM SECTION: Is your self-esteem extremely low?:yess Do you believe in yourself?: once and awhile Do you wish you could be someone else?: sometimes LOOK AT ME: What is your current hair color?: dark brown Current piercings?: 12 ear piercings Have any tattoos?:2 of them Straight hair or curly?: Straight. CURRENTLY WEARING: What color of shirt are you wearing?: black Pants?: black leggings Shoes?: Not wearing any. Necklaces?: the sparrow that my mom gave me HAVE YOU EVER: Hugged someone: Yes. Been on the phone until the sun came up?: All the time Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: lol yes THE LAST: Person you talked to in person?: my mom. What kind of shampoo do you use?: i cant remember Do you have mental breakdowns?: too often. CURRENT: Current mood: tired, but restless. Current hair style: a ponytail Current crush: eh. Current desktop pic: A pic of a girl holding a gun out towards the screen.

So it happened again. Imagine that. Every man is the same. Cheaters, Liars, Assholes, the list goes on. I have not met a single man out there that hasnt hurt me.. and dont tell me that you dont cheat, and that cheating is a mortal fucking sin, bc you know what? You've prolly done it. And for you Steve, I fucking hate you. You never "loved" me and you cant possibly mean the things you say. Everything was an excuse... if I hadnt found out, how much longer would you have dragged things out?? You're right, you do nothing but hurt people. And I know I'm being a major bitch right now, but you know what? I have the balls to call you and figure shit out, be responsible and fight for the shit I want, and I would never break up with someone over a fucking text message. Be a fucking man. But then again, Men are all the same. Nothing makes you different from the rest of them.

I'm trying to keep my grasp on reality right now, but what exactly is my reality? I seem to have lost all control of everything. I don't know if I'm happy or sad, excited or mad, or have I just become a mess of emotions that are dont mean a thing to anyone but myself? I dont write anymore, I dont sing. My outlets have been blocked and I'm drowning. And no one is here to listen to my pathetic shit. I'm being pulled in all different directions, and with things coming to an end in a short while, I havent done a damn thing. I want my independence more than anything, I want my own ideas and thoughts, I want to be the person I want to be, and I'm not. I'm smothered. I concern myself with everyone else's problem, and giving love to everyone else, while receiving none of it. A close friend told me that it wasnt always lonely to be alone, and maybe hes right. Maybe love is worthless. It only brings pain. I'm tired of being destroyed, and rebuilding just to be destroyed again. I'm going to stop. Just stop everything, and be me, the person I was 3 years ago, the person who loved life and was perfectly content on having fun and laughing and joking around. The person who had her own thoughts and ideas and feelings, who stuck to her word and wasnt so cynical. But I was destroyed. (He)wanted me to change, and I did. For (him). And I haven't made it back to normalcy. But I want you to know how I am, the person I can be. The one with the thoughts and ideas, the one who feels just like you do, the person you can count on. But you wont ever know that person. Nothing can get me back to that person, all I can do is try, and be someone I like. But none of that matters.