Deathbydolls fuEngaged to Beezy's blog: "Per Molestias Eruditio"

it's the last day. and everything is still so messed up. no solutions have become apparent, no plans have been set. everythings all fucked up. im almost completely alone, no family, hardly any friends. This is all on my shoulders. and i cant take it all right now. As of right now, I really dont have a mother or a father. Its a competition between them, and im in the middle. Money is everything to both of them, thats the only thing their concerned about. I am not blaming everyone, I need help tho. " A responsible adult asks for help" well, im asking, and im not receiving, so if a responsible adult gets fucked over, I dont want to be responsible. It's the last day of high school, and im ready as all hell to get out of there, get rid of the pains in my ass, the fucked up rules and shit like that. All I know, is that I cant handle this stress by myself anymore. Im cramming a years worth of work into 3 months, with no help from my main family. No one can decide on anything, and Im stuck in the middle of it all. Im about 5 seconds away from going back to temptation, making myself feel better, despite a later scar. I guess I'll write more later... when I can see straight, or think straight. Im too frustrated and angry right now

Things to get done before I move in 35 days: Graduate Get my license Pack Finish up the financial aid shit since my parents are fucktards Get rid of all the "extra baggage" in my life (( haha, yep that means you MR, you are now considered my extra baggage. thanks for listening to me cry that night, and not giving a fuck. if you cant give a fuck, why should I? )) Pay all my outstanding bills here with what little money I have left Find a way to buy a car down south Switch over my med records Take pictures of only the most important things to me up here. Leave behind the family (( which i do believe is going to be a huge relieve on me since theyr being twats right now and wont fuckin help with a damn thing)) Try and not to be so cynical. Prepare myself for the utter aloneness of down there. (( since I havent met anyone down there & the one person I thought I could count on... well haha, apparently hes just like the guys up here. )) See some of the more important people in my life more. and lastly. Try not to blow my brains out from all the stress... PS: if any of you know anyone between the ages of 17 - 25 in birmingham alabama, please have them contact me. i need some friends. k thanks. much love.

I was sitting at my favorite spot in the entire school, the window, our window, and I was listening to Chris go on about how he has the next 3 years in that school to have fun, fuck around and grow up. I realized I spent about two years of my life, sitting around that window, and its all gone. I'm mixed about it, because so many things have changed. My mornings had mainly consisted of going to the window with an ignorant idiot ( sorry, thats what you are.) and discussing life, or whatever else that went on. I wish I could have one more morning before I leave that school, but I sincerely doubt it will happen because the loser ( yes, thats you ) is being a fucking bitch. Im enraged by alot of things that have happened, but surprisingly, I wont miss that place. It was never a kind place. All I had to look forward to was my window, and Mercado's office, where I have spent a huge portion of my time this year, learning more in there than I have in any classroom over the last 4 years. There will be very few that I will miss when I move 1500 miles away, and abandon most of these people as " friends". Because, you know, they arent. I see now that I can count my true friends on one hand ( No, it doesnt include you either MR, not after what you are pulling right now.) Hell, i dont even know if these " true" friends are even going to stick around after I move. I dont care if they do, because then I wont have an excuse to come to this fucking dump called Camillus, and I am 100 % ok with that. And the words " I love you " mean absolutely nothing unless you can SHOW it as well as SAY it. I can honestly say I have loved 2 guys, 100 % , unconditionally, and I still do. But one of them is 1200 miles away, and the other is being the biggest asshole I have ever met. And even though I love them, I am stronger than to fall into a trap. I am strong enough to move on ( see MR, I have, you havent) and I am excited to leave this place, start fresh, have no past, only a future. And by having no past, I mean I'm leaving it here in NY, only very few will be apart of my future, and I kind of wish I never cross paths with any of you again. After living here for my entire life, and seeing nothing but pain, I think it's time to leave. 42 days left and counting.

You said you hate my suffering And you understood And you’d take care of me You'd always be there Well where are you now? -------------------------------------- And you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer Yeah, you say that I've hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies I guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies I see through them all the time So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey, I'm going to get really fucking drunk I'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunk That I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up. ------------------------------------------------- Lately I've been wishing I had one desire Something that would make me never want another Something that would make it so that nothing mattered All would be clear then But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments And watch it all dissolve into a single second And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet or one foolish line 'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept You are here then you're gone But I believe that lovers should be tied together and Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather and left there to drown Left there to drown in their innocence But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter I read all of the pages and there is still no answer Only all that was before I know must soon come after That is the only way it can be So I stand in the sun And I breathe with my lungs Trying to spare me the weight of the truth Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water Wishing you were a ghost But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer But autumn came, She disappeared You can't remember where she said she was going to But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song That you don't want to sing We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters And left there to burn Left there to burn in their arrogance But as for me I'm coming to my final failure I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers And layed entwined together on a bed of clover And left there to sleep Left there to dream of their happiness ------------------------------------------------- And now a poem for MR: How can you not see what you're doing to me? The countless nights I've spent on the phone Crying to you, because of you. Are you really that blind? Do you hate me that much? You blame me for everything wrong in your life And I haven't even been involved in months You dont see what you're doing to me I'm always there for you; I've always kept my promises You've gotten everything you've ever wanted from me Even when I didnt want to give it, And yet, you are blind to the fact that you are hurting me. Worse than I already feel. I tell you I deserve respect from you But even the very next day, you ignore everything. How can you be so blind? Did you not hear my cries? You blame me for hurting you, that this is your protection. What about my protection? I have nothing to protect myself against you with. You said you love me, you know I take those words seriously. I'm honest with you, yet you cant seem to make up your mind. How can you be so blind? Did you not see my face? My tears? You walk past with a dirty glance, Not even seeing my tears, my pain. 5 years down the drain, I never meant to hurt you. But I've paid more than what I owe to you. I still treat you like a friend; I still show you I care. But 5 years down the drain now, How can you be so blind to everything? How can you not see how you are ripping me apart, piece by piece? You heard my tears, my cries, my pain. How can you be so blind?

Issue Under Analysis: Episcopal church leaders and their accepting of gays “Episcopal Bishops Reject Ultimatum on Gays”. 21 March 2007. NewsMax.com. 30 May 2007. . In the world today, there are so many types of people. Straight, gay, bisexual, bicurious, transexual, transgender, the list goes on and on. That’s not to say none of these people existed in earlier times, it’s just that they are now able to openly express themselves in today’s society. In the article, the Episcopalian Church has rejected the Anglicans views on not accepting gay bishops into the church, and it almost causes the Episcopalian church to be excommunicated with the Anglican Communion. The Anglican leaders met back in February and came up with an ultimatum for the U.S. demonination. They gave Episcopalians until Sept. 30 to pledge not to consecrate another partnered gay bishop or authorize official prayers to homosexuals. Although the Episcopalians know that they could lose a lot of members of the church, they are sticking to their decisions on this topic. What I don’t understand is why people have to be so damn ignorant all the time. Throughout history, men had same sex partners, even when married. I think I learned that back in 9th grade world history. The Romans did it, the Greeks did it, everyone had a same sex partner as well as an opposite sex partner. How come people didn’t think anything of it back then? Then Christianity came along, and they said “ Homosexuals are sinners against the lord” whereas there was even homosexuality being accepted in the bible! As was incest, but that’s a different story. So what’s the big deal now a days who has sex with who and what gender they are? Each and everyone of us was told that we were special and unique when we were little, correct. I do believe I am correct on that. So, if we are all “special and unique”, then why cant we accept other people different than what we think is the norm? There is no normal in this world, there is only crazy, messed up people, and everyone of them is “special and unique.” And who are these bishops and popes to decide who can believe what, and why? Religion is a preference of choice, and everyone has the right to practice their own beliefs, so who are the Anglicans to tell the Episcopalians not to accept gays? Big deal, they are gay. Well guess what, the Christians and Catholic priests and such touch little boys. I think that that’s a bigger issue than allowing gays into the church. There are much much much bigger issues than homosexuality in this society, so I think everyone should stop focusing on that, and start focusing on bigger things, like closing the gap between the rich and poor, and more financial aid for students and more insurance for the poor, just to name a few. I learned in religion class ( I know, surprising isn’t it? I was raised Catholic, but now practice a form of paganism called wicca) that everyone was created in god’s image. So, if that is true, god is gay, god is muslim, god is transgender, god is everything American society hates, which would mean that America is against god. So, if you’re a devout Christian or Catholic or any form of Christianity, are you against god because you are against homosexuality, a bigot, a racist? It would only be logical to believe so.

If I waited, I would have missed my opportunities that I have gained. If I waited, I would be missing out on a new life If I waited, you wouldnt come to me when you're "ready." Youre timing has always been way off darling, we both know this. So I come to you, because time is not on our side this time, and I cant wait. If you waited until you were ready, I will be 1500 miles away, and nothing will get solved. If I waited for you, nothing would ever get said. If you waited until you were ready, I will be past the point of waiting for you, and wouldnt want anything to do with my life here, which includes you. If I waited to say the things I have to, they would never get said, because you're waiting. Waiting and time isnt on our side this time. There is no more future for you and I, we both know this, but we cant wait anymore to talk, and say what we have to, and what we feel. If we waited, youd be where I was last year, and I would be where you were the entire time we were together and loving each other. We switched roles, dont you see? I know how to cope, you dont. You say Im bitter, but darling, Im the one reaching out, not waiting, and you are the bitter one who wants to wait. Wake up, open those eyes that used to hold me with all the beauty in the world, and realize, there is no more waiting for us. And I'm not just saying that because I want to talk to you, I'm saying it because it hasnt hit you yet, that I wont be here anymore. I havent physically left yet, and it scares me that you wont even realize it until Im not around... I dont want you to have that wake up call. So stop waiting, suck it up and deal with it. Because if you wait any longer, Im going to stop waiting, and then you can fall on your ass, just like you let me fall. and trust me hunnie, it hurts real bad when you land on that dark cement of nothingness, when you become so bitter and hateful you dont give a shit about anyone or anything. Let me help you out, I know all about it, remember?

This weekend was almost perfect... almost tho. I got to see him, and that was perfect. Last night was perfect, short, but perfect. It didnt get any easier saying goodbye to him tho.. it got harder...I wanted to run after him and tell him how I feel, its the last time I'll see him for another 2 1/2 months... and it rips me apart everytime..but I wont give up on him. ever. I cant. It sucks tho.. alot. I defend him to everyone who talks shit, and yet, I dont even think I'm that big of a deal in his life tho... altho, thats ok. kind of. I think. Idk. Im confused. but I do know that I love him, and I want him to be happy..... god, im pathetic.

Ok, so right now, things are going right along as planned. except the minor mishap with my stepdad's car, things are good. Its odd. lol For many reasons. Things like this never work out for me, and they are. I am actually moving, I am actually escaping this place, I am actually truely starting over. And I couldnt be more excited and scared shitless than I ever have been in my whole life. The one and only thing that is worrying me the most, is my grandparents. They are my life, especially my granma. She is my best friend, and shes dying. They both are. And I feel horrible for leaving before whatever happens next, but I realized that I cant put my life on hold for anyone anymore. Thats all I've ever done. I was going to stay here because my mom wanted me to stay so she can still get the child support, and make sure I'm safe and sound. Which is exactly what every mother wants, right? I understand that part, I mean, the safe and sound and not getting into trouble, but you shouldnt use your kids as leverage on your morgage payments. And, begging me to stay here so I can take care of my brother and the house and her when she needs it, (which lately has been almost all of the time), isnt going to make me stay. Nothing is going to make me stay here any longer than needed. If I was to stay here, Id end up on the streets, and throwing my life away like I have been for the past 3 years. But I wont do that anymore. Im starting a brand new, shit free, independent life for myself. No one to tell me what I can and can not do, no one to tell me that im selfish, lazy, stupid, disrespectful, ignorant, irresponsible, rude, vicious, and everythings my fault. This is my life, I am not a horrible person, I deserve so much more than what I am getting now, and for the first time ever, I deserve to be happy, and be my own person. This is the most amazing feeling in the world right now. ( besides being in love. <3) Alabama, here I come.

How fucking dare you. I cant believe you. I fucking hate you. I hope your fucking happy. you finally made it onto the list of people I will forever despise, remember that list? The one made up of my dad, eric and ap? yeah, well guess what you fucking asshole, your now on the list. I cant believe I ever believed what you told me. " I promise I'll never hurt you." And you say Im the liar? FUCK YOU! you are nothing to me anymore, do you understand that? YOU'RE NOTHING TO ME. YOU ARE A NO ONE IN MY LIFE. ANOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT'S HURT ME. I hope your fucking happy. " I'll love you always and forever." LIES!!!!!!!! I kept my promises to you, how come you didnt keep yours??? Bc I "changed"? No, we both fucking changed. You are not a fucking "man" either. dont ever think you are. a real man wouldnt leave his half fucking dead girlfriend to go camping. a real man wouldnt use his girlfriend for sex, and never give anything in return. a real man wouldnt have asked his girlfriend to change, and then get pissed off when she did. YOU MADE ME CHANGE!!!! I DID IT FOR YOU!!!! Do you not get that? No, apparently, you fucking dont. and you feel the need to fucking "check up on me"? Get over yourself. Unless you want to be involved in my life, just fucking stop it. You cant even fucking make up your own goddamn mind about your feelings for me, one day you love me, the next im a cunt. PICK ONE GODDAMNIT! I cant fucking take the emotional rollercoaster youve put me thru for the past 3 goddamn years, and I did it and dealt with it bc i fucking loved you. well no more. no. I fucking hate your guts. I dont talk shit about you behind your back like you do with me, I dont tell people not to be friends with you. NEVER! If you havent gotten the message, leave me the fuck alone. stay away from me. dont talk about me. dont look at me. dont look at my pages. dont check up on me. " Chels, your unforgettable." Well guess what Rizzo, You are very forgettable. I can promise you that in 5 years, I wont even remember you exsisted. I will fucking do my damnedest to keep that promise. I have never once lied to you about my goddamn feelings, and here you are fucking me over bc you cant make up yours. Well fuck you. Have a fucking happy life. I promise you, I wont even remember you ever lived.

I had my first panic attack since this past summer yesterday. I know what happened, and yet, I feel helpless. I was talking to an old friend of mine, and he started yelling at me, and the next thing I know, I was crying and gasping for air.. Not that he even bothered to look over his shoulder. He says Ive changed for the worst, but he isnt the same person I used to know and love. The person I know would have helped me, not yell at me. He would have given me 5 fucking minutes of his time instead of making me feel vulnerable and ashamed. And yet, after all this time, everything that happened between him and I, is still all of MY fault. He takes absolutely no responsibility in it. When he knows goddamn well that its his fault to, but no one here knows that now do they? No, because Im the bitch. I'm the one who changed, Im the one who grew up. And all I'm asking for now, since Ive never asked that boy for a goddamn thing, is 5 minutes of his time without him screaming at me, and without him walking away. I think hes just as afraid of me leaving as I am. Whatever. He could ask me to cut off my legs, and I still would. He knows it too.