On December 14, 2006 my son's 'brother' took his own life. He was 22.
From the day I met this kid I knew he was bound to be one of my 'kids'. He was bright, intelligent, funny, kind, caring, but he was also scared, lonely, desperate for love, understanding and acceptance.
I have been told that he has always been this way but more so when he came back from the Marine's. Something happened to him when he was a Marine that he would never talk about. All I knew was whatever happened made him hate himself and self destructive.
His parents were in their own world having just gotten divorced. And his brother and sisters were off living their own lives. He was the baby. And he was left out. I do not think any of them meant to hurt him but neither do I think they knew they did.
We tried to be there for him. My husband, son and I. As well as all of his friends. But the people he needed most no longer knew him or understood him. It made him lonely. No matter how much we loved him or spent time with him he was still lonely. And he was afraid.
After my husband and I moved away, Paul began to do drugs. Crystal Meth. We did not know about it until after his death. Apparently, no one wanted us to know because Paul thought we would be disappointed and ashamed of him. He was wrong but had no way of knowing that. That was the pattern of his life. The drugs made him paranoid and even more frightened. My son tried to get him to come out and stay with us but he refused. He would not have known where to get the drugs here. And he was hooked.
On December 14, 2006 my son's 'brother' took his own life. He was 22.
From the day I met this kid I knew he was bound to be one of my 'kids'. He was bright, intelligent, funny, kind, caring, but he was also scared, lonely, desperate for love, understanding and acceptance.
I have been told that he has always been this way but more so when he came back from the Marine's. Something happened to him when he was a Marine that he would never talk about. All I knew was whatever happened made him hate himself and self destructive.
His parents were in their own world having just gotten divorced. And his brother and sisters were off living their own lives. He was the baby. And he was left out. I do not think any of them meant to hurt him but neither do I think they knew they did.
We tried to be there for him. My husband, son and I. As well as all of his friends. But the people he needed most no longer knew him or understood him. It made him lonely. No matter how much we loved him or spent time with him he was still lonely. And he was afraid.
After my husband and I moved away, Paul began to do drugs. Crystal Meth. We did not know about it until after his death. Apparently, no one wanted us to know because Paul thought we would be disappointed and ashamed of him. He was wrong but had no way of knowing that. That was the pattern of his life. The drugs made him paranoid and even more frightened. My son tried to get him to come out and stay with us but he refused. He would not have known where to get the drugs here. And he was hooked.
Finally, the drugs drove him into hiding. Thinking that people were spying on him. Listening to him. Whispering to him. And that Thursday night he could not take it anymore.
He ended his life by hanging himself in his father's garage. He left his suicide note on his MySpace site for those of us who loved him to find. We did. It broke our hearts worse.
We have spent a lot of time trying to figure out if there was something we could have done. Something we could have said. Should we have stayed back home. Would it have made a difference? I have no answers. I don't think I ever will.
All I know is that we still love him and miss him a great deal. We hope he has found the peace he always sought.
Finally, the drugs drove him into hiding. Thinking that people were spying on him. Listening to him. Whispering to him. And that Thursday night he could not take it anymore.
He ended his life by hanging himself in his father's garage. He left his suicide note on his MySpace site for those of us who loved him to find. We did. It broke our hearts worse.
We have spent a lot of time trying to figure out if there was something we could have done. Something we could have said. Should we have stayed back home. Would it have made a difference? I have no answers. I don't think I ever will.
All I know is that we still love him and miss him a great deal. We hope he has found the peace he always sought.
