myangelicchaos's blog: "panic, depression, worthless"

I am so tired of life being one stuggle after another, was I a baby killer in a past life? What did I do to deserve all the pain and hurt I have gone through all my life? My husband and my children are so wonderful, they should have better. I can't find a job, I even dyed the red out of my hair to try and look a little more "normal" in hopes of landing a job. Everything feels like it is closing in on me and I am suffocating! My husband was gone for 2 years, to bring home steady pay we could count on, now it looks like that is the only choice once again is for him to try to take a deployment that will happen as soon as possible. I have been a stay at home mom since I was 16, I don't have any job experience. I feel like I am just a burden for him. He tells me it is not true at all, I run the house, I take care of 4 kids, I am trying to go to school to get skills for a job. But that is not helping the fact that we can barely put food on the table. I, as well as my oldest son, take our classes via the web, and that might be turned off soon. I see the light at the end of the dark tunnel and I know it is a train and it is gonna hit hard. I am lost. I miss my husband, he is at drill right now. Seems like bad things always happen when he is away. So does that mean I am the cause? I took my meds to calm me down, I wish they would work! I wish I could work! I thought I was doing so well today! I woke up just before the sun rose, I cleaned my room, cleaned the carpet, did laundry, played with my children. I felt good, then it all went to hell. I don't want to feel sad like this, I want to calm down, my meds are supposed to help with that but they are not working right now. I feel so lost. I want to stop crying, my eyes are raw and my throat feels worse than it did earlier. I don't want to be rich, I just don't want to have to worry how I am going to keep food in my kids' tummies, or the power on. I want them to never know how it feels to be hungry and still have to go without, and I am terrified that it will happen and I will have failed as a mother, I am supposed to protect them and take care of them and give them a carefree childhood. I am so lost. I miss my husband. He can calm me down and make it hurt less, help my thoughts stop being such a jumble of too many to tell one from another, like a room full of people each having a different conversation but you can't make out one from another so it is just a mesh of noise that makes no sense. I want to be a good mother, and a good wife, I wish I could get a job, I wish I was not so useless to my family. I love them, I hope they know it.