Kyttin's blog: "other stuff"

I know this is silly, as a mom I've pent up a lot of stuff for the past five and a half years, money trouble, fights with the kids' father, and now the emotional turmoil that goes with leaving him.

After almost seven years of struggles financially and emotionally and trying to grin and bare all the stress and turmoil that goes with being a blossoming family, I left him, for personal reasons that, no, I don't want to talk about.  We still live in the same house for now, though summer is creeping up on us.  This all started with one stupid choice, moving to Virginia, which turned into moving to NC for a bigger home.  Now we're fighting out custody, not in a nasty way, but in a way that deadens the soul.  I want to move south, with the kids, he wants to split them up, which in my book is a nono.  Our oldest has autism, well, Aspergers, and he's made some great strides and progress since we found out two years ago, he seems almost completely "normal" which I happen to think is over rated.  He is catching up with his milestones.  He gets excited over silly things like losing a tooth like any normal five year old.  He likes to put his teeth under the pillow and wake up to a dollar per tooth under it in the morning.  He plays pretend with his sister, who is only fifteen months younger, and I'm afraid that splitting them up could end up backpedalling his progress.  I understand that giving up both kids would be extremely hard, but it's best for both of them, because they need each other in these difficult times with our family.  But Daddy is a bit of a workaholic, though he can't help his schedule.  He can't pay the attention to them that they need, especially my oldest, who is still prone to throwing fits over something small, and is, like his mom, quite clumsy.  He can trip over a wrinkle in the invisible carpet on the hardwood floor.

I love my kids, and I know he does, too.  But it doesn't mean that he's going to be able to handle the stresses of being a single father full time.  I've offered the whole summers, all of them, out of sheer guilt from taking the kids away from him.  I don't hate him, and I know we're going to need a relationship of some sort for at least fourteen more years, and I'd prefer he and I have an amicable one so the kids don't have to deal with mommy and daddy fighting all of the time.  Sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier to just pick up in the middle of the night, but I couldn't do that to him, or the kids.

I am at a loss, yes, I am finally getting a three week vacation, which I will easily admit has been a long time coming, but now I'm worried he wouldn't feel guilt at doing things the easy way and disappearing with the kids, the last thing I want is to go away for three weeks and find out that he did take off while I wasn't looking and then you'd see my kids hanging out on the Amber Alerts on your profiles.

I wonder if every single parent who leaves their kids with their ex feels this concern?  Am I just being paranoid?  It's terrifying to worry like this, which is something that I'm worried I'll go through forever.  I guess the worry won't abate until I come back.

I'm sitting here and thinking on all of the recent experiences i've had on here, I'm not getting rid of the account or anything, but here it goes, I'm twenty-three, and not exactly magazine model perfect. I tend to turn away from ignorance and hate, but sometimes, people like the truraters get majorly on my nerves, even the idiot who's addicted to mumming without saying anything, I laugh at him, because he's trying to get a rise out of people, and I still can't resist letting him know he is not the world's biggest hotness, more like the world's most self centered moron, I mean he has even said something about all the girls on fubar wanting to sleep with him, HELLO, friggin idiot, I don't want to hook up with you, and I made a point of telling him so. He thinks he's a wit and wonder, when we normal humans that leave the basement once in a while think he's the biggest jerk on the planet. Well I've been asked to cam, ugh, and had a guy talk to me about my eyes, literally saying "I NEED your eyes!" like he's going to scoop them out with a melon baller and place them with hundreds of other eyes in a jar on his desk or something. I'm a freak I know but that was the first though when he said that. Anywho, I'm sitting here thinking back, and things like those two guys and the truraters are all freaks of nature, what makes the truraters, and the dumbass mummer with no sense of respect, have something in common, haters, he's called women homely because he didn't think that they were pretty, and continued to insult them. They think fat is ugly, and there's nothing we can do to change it, I will not spend my whole life fighting off people like the truraters and dr. smug, I'll accept that they are there and live with it until I can't take no more. Then I will be fine with myself, knowing that turning the other cheek by being kind will mess with their heads and I shall laugh. I guess kindness in turn doesn't always work, but it does do something for the soul, knowing you're the better person (I tend to shy away from using terms like the bigger person lest playground insults ensue) for it. I don't care what the downraters and fat haters say. I know I am beautiful, and hey, I get points no matter what they rate me so joke's on them. I'm a better person for just blocking them, now these things said, do not count when I want to get into a fight instead of taking my anger out elsewhere, plus it's less messy, and I will win, because if I don't win, you're still blocked and I have the points from your horrendously low rates. Anyway, truraters don't exactly get the red carpet treatment, I won't thank them for the lousy rate, but I will thank them for the points, and the fact that now I have someone new to block if they start shit without me hitting the gas first. I know it sounds self centered but I'm not going to sit down and be the good little wife who has her husband do ALL of her fighting for her, the one time I had him really fight for me was with one of the truraters who called our son a retard, not a good choice of words since he suffers from ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and many people may make that horrid connection. Well, Thanatos and all the rest of the people in his favorite lounge at the time, went and downrated him, and left him nice comments, Thanatos led the charge as it were, against the hate and anger. I've pointed out in my about me section that I will not tolerate downraters, fat haters, and general asses. I have no desire to be the one that people think they can walk all over, for one, you'll be extremely unbalanced because walking all over me would mean walking all over my fat and legs and things of the sort. Well, I've lost all direction this blog was taking, aside from bashing the truraters and Dr. whatshisface, I'm tired so I think I may go back to my bedroom, and love on my husband, and tell him he needs to get up because i'm going back to bed. Well, good day, if you've managed to keep your head from exploding all over your monitor because you tried desperately to keep up with this blog, because mine about did, this is what happens when Kyttin gets too little sleep. RANDOM BLOGGYNESS!!!