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On Being Beci! When i think of all the pain i've felt, over my 35 years, it makes me feel quite queezy, always results in tears. It started when i was very small, close to 5 or 6, Being ripped away from my Daddy! I've always felt i've been tricked, Robbed of a family who care, Grandma, Grandpa, cousins, A nice familiar place Hugs and kisses in dozens! A plane trip to England, AS nice Holiday --- The only thing hidden from all Is that we are here to stay. Victorian England -- Drab, cold and gray Old people crying - because we are here?? People with no feeling for The children from over there, Aunts, Uncles, cousins galore Non of them ever cared Cold hearted people -- I feel like i'm a mistake. There began my journey , Of trying to please all. I will make them accept me It never happened tho -- Beth was the baby, Little Shirley Temple -- Fred the oldest - the boy! Me in the middle - invisible "so much like yourrMother" "She's so like you Joy" That made me not matter " Beci, the Leo - she's ok" i know how she feels coz she's Like me -- Therefore she feels like me -- RIGHT? WRONG!! I ached for my Daddy, Cried silent tears Never had hugs and kisses - and Oh dear's! Beth - every night, got taken Downstairs, Poor Beth, beem crying - having Nightmares. She misses her Daddy - Beci's ok, I think she's asleep! And poor little Freddie, Brave little soldier doesnt make a peep. Never sit on Mommy's knee Don't need to - coz I'm ok! "Isnt she quiet - coping well " I was dying inside and no-one could tell I had trouble with boys - as i got older Couldnt show affection - Oh how i longed to, Fear of rejection made me hold back Then when i did - and fell Pregnant Nine months of fear A dear little baby - I was scared To be near Scared to touch him - Coz i know, That he'd be taken away too. I learned then how to get affection The hugs and kisses for which i Yearned Could be found between the sheets! It lasted 12 weeks, One after another- to make me feel Wanted. Should I give something back? I knew I should. I couldnt, didnt know how. Got accused of not loving, In a bad relationship Frightened to leave - for two reasons, Didn't want my children to not have A Daddy, And the Daddy's temper changes like The seasons. He was ill - an alcoholic, I was a punch bag, Then came the apologies, it won't Happen again! Untill next time, to get more of The same He eventually left, Tried to get well Much damage done to me and my Babies On our own now - out of the hell. Started to become Me, Find my personality, Then the final blow - Just when they started to know The sober Daddy, On whom they could rely, It was all to much for him, The only way out - to Die! Another one taken away This game called life, Is very hard to play with all the wrong peices, On the wrong board, I'm part of a jigsaw thats been lost, I want to be put back where i belong, And stuck fast For the picture to become clear, I AM HERE AND I HURT LUV ME HOLD ME SEE ME I AM BECI Rebecca Mai Duncan (copyright) 
