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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there."... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be; I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back'
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've
been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
. Uphill... barefoot...
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay
A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogu e!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!
.Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a li ttle square! You
Actually had to use your I mag ination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen
Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off
Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled
Little brat!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!
