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Written November 2009 - a contact at one of our work's suppliers asked me to write a poem about their crappy new system.. little did I know at the time we'd be in the same boat just a few months later!
We've had a new system, be good if it worked
But we've struggled and toiled while managers smirked
They said there's no money - no chance of a raise
We found that so funny: grrrr.... one of these days!
They've gone to a meeting, dispensed with the seating
They left in a flashy new car
Are they sat on their asses? No, they're emptying glasses
Propping up the neighbourhood bar!
Written June 2009, it's take the p*ss out of me time. Hope y'all get a good laugh at this one
Do you know what I did when I was a kid?
It was easy for me to play hide and seek
I'd turn to the side and be lost for a week
Now that I'm older, I'm still kinda lean
Weigh much the same as I did at sixteen
You claim I'm lucky but I think you are
'Cos I need a winch, to move just an inch
Else I've no chance when pushing the car **
I go to concerts, but it's not good for me
'Cos when the crowds push and there is a crush
I bear the brunt, being stood at the front
And come out of it in 2-D
People will say get some meat on your bones
Why don't you eat and put on a few stones?
After years of troughing I've thoroughly learned
That the action of quoffing sees calories burned
A portion of chips and a big piece of fish
Won't sit on my hips, whatever I wish
Powdered supplements, I've had them all
Mixed with ice cream and strawberry fool
At 3000+ calories a shot
And did I gain weight? Nah, not a jot
Where does it all go? I really don't know
My ma says I have hollow legs
Bacon, salami, to feed a small army
Will accompany my scrambled eggs
"Don't exercise and your muscles turn fat!"
Well here's no surprise, I ain't got much of that
The only mussels found inside of me
Are the ones that we fished out from under the sea
My wife serves up a massive dinner
Comments that I'm getting thinner
What's my secret? Can't second guess
I think I'll put it down to stress!
When I was young I wanted to box
But I was stung by all the barbed knocks
Some of which never relented
They said, "Try as you might
"Lad, you won't find a fight
Because nano-weight's not been invented"
So when you next begin on a diet
With just one biscuit causing disquiet
And you wish you had a slimmer figure
It's not any fun being that much leaner
I tell you, this grass is not any greener
Us thin ones all wish we were bigger!
(** artistic licence - it's not quite THAT bad really hehe)
Written May 2009 when the Parliamentary Expenses scandal finally broke. Came out more like a song than a poem, and might make more sense if you're British.. then again, might not? Personal fave, this one :)
Who cares about the credit crunch
When there's caviar for lunch
A penny, a pound, I feel free
To splash it around at liberty
I'll swan about in my flash car
It matters not if I go far
Cos it's down to you I have the tools
To make, or bend, or break those rules
Our greed is total, our morals lax
A swimming pool or doggie snacks
Or possibly a brand new fax
Paid by a hike in fuel tax
We divert focus from our flaws
By creating silly laws
We thrive on promises and lies
And then we vote ourselves a rise
Life's like a pill
When you can see no ill
Oh how I love to be me
Got my snout in the trough
You lot can sod off
This abuse is so easy, y'see
Put it all on expenses
There are no consequences
When you become an MP
I listen from behind a mask
Then answer things you didn't ask
We let you think you can decide
I'm ever so self-satisfied
Knowing that you'll re-elect me
But even if you de-select me
I'll carry on playing the game
Cos the other lot are just the same
Lose important data
Resign! (Come back later)
No harm in the publicity
Tap the rich for donations
Employ one's relations
Keep it in our family
Have no expertise
Get to wallow in sleaze
When you become an MP
Written spring 2009 after fighting to create a net cage over our potted cherry tree, that wouldn't touch the ground for the ants to climb up!
I took up gardening to relax
But we're beseiged by snail attacks
Yes we lost a juicy hosta
Through gastropods having a snack
(If I ate French, I'd eat them back!)
I'm fooled no more by spring birdsong
I know what they're plotting all along
They watch as I secure the netting
Laughing, planning how to get in
And clear our tree of its ripened cherries
In practice for those swelling blueberries
They tell me that we need a cat
To tell the truth I'd thought of that
But next door's mog's our garden sitter
She comes each dawn, pees on the lawn
Mistakes it for a tray of litter
Dandelions are killing our grass
So I adjusted the mower
Made it cut lower
They're such a pain in the ..
.. Asphalt seemed like the right idea
For a driveway that'd look good all year
But the workmen didn't fit the drains
So now we get flooded whenever it rains
I'm gonna get a gazebo
It looks great on display
The Japanese instructions say
"Erected in a day"
It'd look so fine, this build of mine
If I knew where to start
But it's no good, some chunks of wood
When you're missing vital parts
Last year I planted raspberries
I was warned that they might spread
Now where the pond was gonna go
There's a hundred canes instead
For our summer bedding display
There's Sweet William and Phlox
And half the street's discarded trash
Thanks to an urban fox
Ants are digging out new nests
The greenhouse is chock full of pests
I'm really trying not to panic
As I've been told to go organic
I've put away the killer spray
Those pests will live another day
The season draws unto its close
I tried this year, lord only knows
And reached my goals, despite the holes
(I'd like to thank those passing moles)
Our brassicas have got club root
The birds have stolen half the fruit
At least the tender plants weren't lost
When we had a late spring frost
There's blackfly on the runner beans
The toms have spider mite
All our peas have popped their pods
And the spuds have suffered blight
Undeterred I soldier on
No surrender's my decision
I'm proud to say that at its peak
Our garden looked a vision
I've heard they say you've got green fingers
If someone comes, and looks, and lingers
Admires everything you're growing
Just a few weeks after sowing
So I entered into a Best Of.. show
I knew I wouldn't win it
The result summed up my summer's grow
But I enjoyed every minute!
Wrote this sometime in 2008, I think. Still, can't expect me to remember that any more ;)
I've lost my hair, it isn't fair
But there's a positive side
Least I can say, I won't go grey
Or comb over the great divide
I used to wake as dawn would break
Bright and fresh and early
Now when it's time to rise, I can't open my eyes
Roll out of bed grumpy and surly
So deeply I spoke, when my voice first broke
How proudly and loud I could shout
Now it's broken off as I splutter and cough
In trying to get the words out
My teeth were once bright, set straight and white
Behind smooth lips made for kissing
Now they're crooked and angling, a couple are dangling
And half of the buggers are missing
No-one said a word that I hadn't heard
My hearing was sharp way back then
Now my ears grow hair as I vacantly stare
Eh? Could you say that again?
You could stay close or take flight, and still be in my sight
My vision was as good as it gets
Then my blue eyes turned grey, clarity went away
I can just about see silhouettes
I strode at great speed whenever the need
Boy, could I move quick
Today I barely crawl, hardly moving at all
And only with my walking stick
My skin was once tight, a crisp, fleshy white
Showed off my physique perfectly
It's gone saggy and loose after years of abuse
Yes, it's tired and wrinkly, like me
I'm becoming slow.. well I'm old, y'know
My brain cells are slowly decaying
The memory's shot, I've lost what I'd got
Now, what was it that I was saying?
