Ruthie aka Lil Ms Sunshine's blog: "Not Tonight- A poem"

Once again I sit here and drink missing you, loving you and needing you more than ever. Knowing that the one man I want more than anything I can never have. The distance between us is greater than any distance on Earth. I don't even know the distance between Heaven and Earth. You are the one man who has hurt me most, but loved me more than any ever will. The one man I'll love more than any other. You completed me and I think I completed you. But we broke each other's hearts and you hurt so very much. So many times I wanted to end it all, as you did, but never could, hoping one day that I was wrong with what I've known since the last moment I saw you. Knowing that was the last time I would hold you, touch you, smell you. Knowing that one day you would not be here anymore and I'd be alone, forever. Forever alone, never to love anyone, as I love you. I've tried to love but as always I get rejected. Therefore, noone will have my heart , my love as you. I've lost who I was and who I am, I will stay lost for awhile I think. I need you

Sitting here with you not very far from me. Knowing how I feel about you, but unsure of how you feel about me. Knowing there are deep secrets I hide from you. Knowing how my heart is hurting knowing that this won't last long and I want to make the most of it, but it's hard when I'm so hurt inside. When all I wanna do is cry. Tonight I just wanna cry knowing that once your gone, I'll lose you forever. Knowing that once your gone I'll never see you again. I'll miss you and think of you all the time, possibly with a reminder of our time together for the rest of my life. Who knows what will happen. I want you in my life, no matter what I will always be here for you. I'll always love you. You are now in my heart. So tonight as I sit here watching you pay attention to others I wanna cry. As I sit and watch you ignore the one who loves you I wanna cry. Knowing you love another, tonight I wanna cry. I just wanna cry.

i'm going back to lonely nights, without you by my side. the laughs we shared, the way we cared, all the fun we had together. part of me wants to beg you that you give me another chance, another part knows it's time to let you go. for now i'll cry, stuck in the middle of the unknown, wishing i knew what to do. i tell you i don't love you, but was it love that brought me to your side that night? is it love that makes me want to let go? you made your choice and i couldn't handle waiting anymore for you. so back to the lonely nights i go. i felt alone sometimes even when you were here. sleeping side by side, but backs turned away, though i always got a twitter when you pulled me into your arms. for the first time in a long time i felt safe in someones arms. i trusted you, though i had my weak moments of thinking can i trust him. i haven't trusted anyone in so very long. i guess i couldn't handle someone putting trust in me or showing me respect as i'm not used to having someone show me such respect. when i said i got mad at you, most of it was i am mad at me. for treating you so great, but sometimes feeling like i was shorted somehow. like something was missing, like i was doing things for you, but you didn't do alot for me. i hate that we fought all week, but i guess it was me trying to protect myself and my feelings knowing that though i should cherish my time with you, it was short lived, you had made your choice before i could tell you mine. so back to the lonely nights i go. back to going and getting drunk as all get out at the bar, trying to forget you. it hurts like hell right now, but i know it will get better. i started the process before it was even over. i started crying over what i was losing before it was even over. because i knew it was over. so back to the lonely nights i go.

short lived happines, the story of my life. meet a nice guy, not thinking he's the one, but that he's really great. fun to hang out with and be around. your chemistry is great, you understand all the pressure of this persons job or at least you try to. they need to vent you let them. you understand you can't be together all the time because of this job. you again accept and understand that. you even have no issue when you spend time with your seperate friends. when you hear this persons sweet soft voice you smile. when you see this person smile, you smile. each trying to light up the others day. each satisified with what you have. or at least that's how it seems. it was short lived happiness and now, no i don't know where i stand. i'm stuck in the middle, are we together or not. i don't want to hear from everyone else that just because you don't talk to me it means it's over, i want to hear it from you. i never lied to you and wanted to show you that nice girls really do exsist. you know how my last relationship ended, so that just makes it ok to do what he did? no, because you aren't him. you can't even compare to him. do i care about you yes, do i love you, no. we agreed we neither one wanted love. could i have loved you, yes, i could have, maybe in time. i want us to work, i know it's crazy since you've treated me not so good the last week. i said i was sorry. i don't know what else to say. i didn't want this happiness to be short lived, i didn't want to lose the smile you gave me. having you in my life is not something i regret nor do i want to lose.if we can't at least be lovers can we be friends? this short lived happiness. happier than i've been in months, years and it's short lived. i can't smile, all i can do is cry. i am who i am and i guess you just don't like that person. no matter what. i can't change who i am. one day i hope you find your true happiness, as i settle for short lived happiness.

more of my book Current mood: cheerful Category: Writing and Poetry When they first kissed it was a very weird night for her. Though she does remember that first kiss with softness for him in her heart. Sure he was a little out there. In reality he was a great guy. She never tended to see that. As she sits here on this beach she thinks back. She doesn't remember exactly how they met, was it in high school or at his cousins house? She remembers talking to him alot and they became very good friends. He was different this tall boy with the deep blue eyes a girl could get lost in. He was funny, he was kind, he was so very sweet and on the outside seemed innocent. She later found out differently. That first kiss though, blew her away more than any she had before. She had never been kissed like that before and he was very bold to do so, ecspecially when she was dating someone else who was just around the corner. They weren't boyfriend and girlfriend but still you don't go kissing on the person your friend is dating. I guess it's a code or something. He did though, he kissed her softly and he kissed her like she was his. By the end of the night she was. One thing most memorable about that kiss other than the fact it was in front of a bathroom was that after ten long years she still remembers it. She remembers how she had to stand on her tip toes to kiss him. He was so much taller than her. By almost ten inches at that. He being 6'2 and she being 5'3 there was a big difference in height. She usually went for shorter guys but she couldn't resist a tall good looking guy. And he did have those blue eyes and a charm to it could even melt a nuns heart. They dated a short while, enjoyed each others company quite a bit. He had alot of respect for her and she for him. Which explains why when he tried to get her to have sex so much she refused. Not that she didn't have respect for those she did eventually have sex with, she just wasn't the type of girl to sleep with all the boys she dated. She remembers he loved to drink Jack Daniels. Loved his cousins and grandmother. Yes he was a decent boy. So what that he wasn't considered drop dead georgeous, to her he was, still is from the last time she saw him. He was and is one of a kind. She doesn't remember the reason they broke up. He'll say that she broke up with him because she felt they were better off as friends. Maybe she was afraid, she had been hurt in the past so it's safe to say she cared so much she was afraid. They weren't just a couple they truly were friends. Still are friends to this very day. She smiles when she thinks about him. She always will. They had alot of good times together, walks on the beach, hanging out at his grandmothers house since he didn't like taking her home to his. They walked by the light of the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse and like so many other couples before and after, they kissed there to. They went out to dinner, she paid since she had a job, but she didn't mind. He did give her a special necklace, she still has it. Right now she's wearing it, sitting on this beach remembering this sweet boy who is now a man.

untitled Current mood: grateful Category: Writing and Poetry The look you gave to me, told me that you loved me. The way you held me close, told me you wanted me. Now your gone, forever gone. My heart still hurts for you. I love you still, I'll love you always. Noone can take that away from me. The memories I have of you and me, will always stay in my heart. I miss you oh I miss you, I love you yes I love you. Today is the day for hearts, and mine is yours forever. Forever in my heart you will stay. Forever in my heart you will stay.

untitled Current mood: grateful Category: Writing and Poetry The look you gave to me, told me that you loved me. The way you held me close, told me you wanted me. Now your gone, forever gone. My heart still hurts for you. I love you still, I'll love you always. Noone can take that away from me. The memories I have of you and me, will always stay in my heart. I miss you oh I miss you, I love you yes I love you. Today is the day for hearts, and mine is yours forever. Forever in my heart you will stay. Forever in my heart you will stay.

For My Best Friend Current mood: gloomy Category: Writing and Poetry Dearest Best Friend, Your pain is my pain and I wish I could take it from you. Your heartache is my heartache, I wish you never had to feel that. You and I have been through so very much. Storms of the plenty. We played goldfish during them and laughed and played and kept each other safe from the blowing wind and rain outside. Storms of the heart, the times you didn't act very much like a best friend, but I never gave up on our friendship. We've had many laughs. Playing barbies, going to the beach, eating french fries. We've shared so many tears. Loss of those we love, parents not staying together, siblings being mean, friends not really being friends. We've shared religous experiences together, we've prayed together, sang together. You and I best friend have been through so much. Now as you go through what may be the roughest time of your life, I can not be there for you. I can not change what has happened no matter how much I want to. I can not take your pain away no matter what. Your tears are my tears. I can not be there to dry them, but please know I would. I love you dearly best friend and no matter how far apart we are in miles I'm always there with you in my heart and in yours. May time ease your pain and may you always remember we are Best Friends. Your Best Friend Forever, Me Your my best friend and I will always love you like a sister.

turn around Current mood: guilty Category: Writing and Poetry why didn't i turn around that night? i left your side and was driving down the road when the awful thought hit me. i pushed it away because it was to heartbreaking and awful to even imagine being true. it's true though. that awful painful thing came true. many years later. now i want to be back in that car, and turn around. turn around and kiss you, tell you i love you. to hold you one last time and say goodbye. sometimes i think maybe you knew that night to, the way you held me, that we would never see each other again. i miss you right now, which is why i'm writing this i guess. i'm wishing i could just turn around, not everything, but turn a few things around. wishing you could turn around and see life really was worth living. wishing that one day you would be in a store and turn around and there i would be, home for a visit not expecting to see you. the last few times i was home i did alot of turning around, wishing you would be there. once i turned around, i was happy at who i found, but it wasn't you. never did i turn around to you. i love you dearly and miss you more. next time i know what i knew then, i will turn around.

in your eyes Current mood: loved Category: Writing and Poetry in your eyes i saw your soul in your eyes i saw you heart in your eyes i saw the truth in your eyes i saw love in your eyes i saw forever in your eyes i saw us together in your eyes i saw it all, in your eyes