tearlessmorena's blog: "NO NAME :"

My moment of "revelation" if you will. I have a set job, the most beautiful baby boy I could ask for and a hand full of selected individuals to back me up whenever I need help, yet there’s something missing; ALWAYS! “ I walk alone in the shadows of death” so true, those words echo in my head. I close my eyes and move on yet there’s this thought stuck in my head, which I can’t quite grasp. No matter how many cliques you join or how popular you may or may not be you are always alone. You got yourself and that’s it. Life is hard and like I’ve been told “We live to die and die to live” simple as that, in one sentence and yet when reality strikes you’re stuck and can’t comprehend. The words are too big to understand without prior analyzing. Shit happens in our life that is supposed to break us down so that we may build ourselves back up with a stronger “foundation” a smarter “building” now which is able to withstand any storm yet it is so hard to build yourself back up once you’ve been broken. Its possible, I have seen it happen yet it takes a lot of guts and maybe a little prayer here and there. Every so often I analyze the way I live my life and decide that I am unhappy with the way it’s going so I will do what I can to change yet it never quite happens. As much as I want to fulfill my goal at the end it becomes impossible. At times, in movies or magazines we read about someone who “made it.” I recently read a book by Dave Pelzer and it made me change the way I look at life. Many times we have no clue what one individual is going thru yet where quick to judge and point fingers but not to lend a hand and listen. Maybe I should of listened........

Today I listened to this song "Can't hold a good woman down" by Mary J. Blige and all I could do was nod my head listening to all her words. She practically sang that song to me LOL yes cheesy I know but I find my way thru songs like these. It's crazy shit this life i've had but I figure everyone must work with what they've got. Whatever has happened already happened so now it's gotta be done and dealt with cuz ain't no other way to live. I've been thru a lot and maybe I might just be an immature brat at times but for the most part I've got me a good head on my shoulders. I like writing better than I like talking. Its easier for me to express myself. I can be considered a "teenage" single mom for the most part although I don't think i'm like most girls my age. I've grown up faster than what I would of liked too but now that it's over I feel that i've actually learned alot from all the crap that I had to deal with. Damn at times I actually impress myself. I stopped writing & drawing when I was 14 after the death of my best guy friend ever. I thought life would never be the same for me. I have found that he helps me out when I'm really down. My baby looks alot like him. He's the angel that always looks out for me and even though I don't pray I know he has put in a good word in for me. I've done alot of bad things but i've done alot of growing too and I've realized that I can't live my life ignoring my problems anymore. I've been hurting people on my way to "recovery" clearing my thoughts and expressing my self but i'm ready to be me. It's gotten so tiring to just pretend to be happy. It's taken me so long to clear my head but i'm on it. I'm posting all these blogs now because i'm not scared of being judged as a wacko or a crackhead or whatever the hell u ppl wanna call it. It's hard work to be "perfect" and not something I would like to achieve I just wanna clean myself up. I've been thru more rehabs than birthdays and thru more detoxification's than I can even remember. People on drugs say they cannot stop or that they can stop whenever they want. I know i believed that and to be honest I still think that a little. I have my son and he's the only reason I stopped. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be writing this, instead I would be somewhere smoking my brain cells away. I ain't afraid to say it anymore because its the god damn truth. I'm a "good" mother yet I honestly would love to go out and get so high I would practically have my room reserved in cloud 9. I'm tired of life as i've had it and i've decided i'm gonna change it for the better. Most likely I will erase all this shit by next week. I need to write it for me to see it read it and believe it. I am ready to be happy and let go of all the extra baggage i've had to carry around with me. I'm ready to grow up and "let life be."

This is for my own reading pleasure for the most part. The people that know me know that at times I am very private with my own personal problems and "dilemma." At this very moment my life is "perfect" yet it is all mest up in my head. I can no longer hide the fact that I'm on medication and have been for most of my life. My sister already knows and pretty much is old enough to understand. I am no longer as afraid of being misjudged or labeled because I have come to an understanding that I never had no one there to validate me so now that I'm older it shouldn't be any different. Right at this minute it can be such a wonderful moment in my life with my son in my life and everything going so "great" for me and me getting a job doing what I wanted to do. I'm happy yet I do not "appreciate" what I have in life. People always tell me that they would love to be in my shoes, how I am spoiled and always get what I want yet if they only knew they wouldn't talk. To those of you who pray for me (mainly you patty) I thank you because I honestly do not care much for prayer if it didn't help me out when I needed it then I guess it won't do much now right? I am into deep thinking right now and everything ppl tell me stays with me for a very long time next month will be the one year anniversary of death of a very close friend of mine yet, in my head, it still has not been processed. When someone dies I always think about how they will be in the morgue have their ribs cut open with tree cutting "scissors" and I hear each one of their ribs cracking. How much time they will spend in the "fridge"and then I think about if the person who is cleaning out and measuring their insides even knows how much that person might of meant to someone else. How when they tag their toe and check them off the list as "preped" , if they even think about how that person might of lived their life or how much that person was loved. I think about how in the ground, they are all alone and in the dark and no matter how much someone else might want to be with them they can't. They will be alone forever.  I remember the time I preped someone to go to the morgue. How i was just "doing my job" and handled the "body" as just that - a body. It was no longer a patient but a body.When I finished him up I had completed one of the many on the list yet it was just my "job" and I no longer connected the body to the previous life it once had or to the previous conversations we had once held. Damn I'm cleaning out my "closet" so much shit is making me crazy. I held this inside for too long and its making it hard to move on. Now I'm older and I guess I finally realized that in order to make it thru I gotta let go of all the anger I have inside. I hated myself and others and all the while I was just hurting myself. I am ready (finally) to stand up for myself without being afraid.I know I've said that b4 but now everything has changed for me once more. I am never really afraid yet I always find an excuse to hold me back. I am so happy that I wrote this and I'm happy because I know that tonight I will finally be able to sleep without the body's knocking on my door. :)

Sometimes I'm wrapped ito my tough suit 'cuz there's a lot of things to get out off my chest. I feel like i'm drowning in a pool of stress and I’m feeling like I ain't got that much time left. Sometimes I dream about death but doesn't everybody? That's what I tell myself at night so I can fall asleep. It's like I dug another ditch but this one's too deep and the rope's dangling from the top but I’m too lazy to reach. It might be easier for me to see the rights from the wrongs if it wasn't fuked up enough to open my eyes. My thoughts creepin' thru the window.
At sunrise a bullet flies thru the air with no name on it. The same bullet took my homeboy's life. I prayed to god that my friend will live that night but he died and since then I ain't be living right.
Waking up in a cold sweat filled my body with subs. Nightmare's of shootouts keeping me awake. Don't be amazed when you see me with a 38. I'm all alone with a dozen's heat. It's all loaded-in war all i see is guns exploding. I've got an itch in my trigger finger and i can't hold it, all loaded. Pull it but knowing I can't stop the pain with a single bullet. A young thug trying to make it to see 21. A difficult task, not everyone can get it done.
Looking for a better way, struggling to make it thru the night. Starring at my AK dreaming of a better day. I'm in the shade trying to step over into the light. My back's up against the wall now so cold, pull up my knife and start busting just like I was thought.
Everyday it gets worse it will never change. Little kids dying daily stuck in the game. I'm at the point of no return can you please help me. I'm only trying to put some food in my belly. You've got me mest up homie look again. 16 years old and burying my friends so what did you expect to hear in these present years. Now adays no one knows any other ways. There's another way for you to do it but that method don't work now do it? Prepare for the funeral of a juvenile. No one expected the truth to come from a youth. Everyday somebody dies but nobody cries.