Rain's blog: "stuff..."

I originally wrote this on 03/21/2005... sadly Im afraid not much has changed in the last 5 years.  Well except casting aside someone that wasnt good for me and becoming truly alone in the adult companion sense of the word 'alone'.

"I am who I am, no more and no less. For all my faults and all my gifts I am who I am. I 'know' my faults outnumber my redeeming qualities 10 to 1, though the people that love me tend to disagree. Speaking of the people that love me... there are far more of them than I ever acknowledge and far more of them than I ever expected could withstand my vicious fight. I fight for the fact that I 'know' they dont REALLY love me... they feel sorry for me, or want something from me or have nothing better to do than try to fuck with my head. Because who in their right mind would love me? Im loud and obnoxious, stubborn, selfish and immature. Im opinionated, harsh, jealous and insecure. Im manipulative and lacking integrity, sarcastic and spiteful, catty and bitchy. And if I think if even for one second Ive let down someone I care about I tear myself to pieces. I cant be with the thought of disappointing someone I love, Id rather crawl in a hole than face them. Im only willing to play games with no risk, the idea of failing is terrifying. If I think for one second I might fail, I dont even try. No one will ever love me as much as I love them. I give to receive. I hope that maybe someone might someday do for me the things Ive done for others without ever being asked. And when no one does Im angry, except Im not really angry, Im hurt. After all... this is what a hurt Rain sounds like, especially after shes been kicked a few times. I feel passionately. I give into what I feel in the moment without a single thought to the consequence it might later have. I dont trust. I dismiss on a whim. And when a self-mutilating tramp offers themselves to someone I care about, it makes my skin crawl and though Ive been told theyre not interested all I think is that theyre lying and if they arent lying its only a matter of time until they take said tramp up on the offer. What I want I cant make happen, I cant create, I cant control. I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream thats really a nightmare because it will NEVER come true. My life is great, with one exception. People love me or hate me, there is no inbetween. Im volatile and unstable. Anger has a greater power than love. Weakness is disgusting and intolerable. More people are intimidated by me than respect me. The importance I place on acceptance by my peers is pathetic. Im afraid to be different. I cry too often and dont smile often enough. I crave someone to be close to. I keep everyone at a distance. I am more likely to say 'fuck you' than 'I love you.' I am who I am, no more and no less."