Losthiriel's blog: "No matter where you go, there you are"

The other night I cried so hard it actually physically hurt. Why? Because now that he is leaving and I only see my son half time, I will be alone. I'm not afraid of that, just very disappointed and disillusioned. I feel like a failure - I can't seem to make this marriage thing work. Now I have to get used to being by myself and the worst part is figuring out what to do with myself. The night I got the separation papers I cleaned the whole entire house because I was so upset. There's only so much cleaning a person can do.

So, I'm packing up all his stuff. It will all be gone by next weekend. Does that mean he will be out of my mind as well?

I know that's blasphemous at best and sacriligeous at worst...I was married for a year, now we are getting divorced, because of a situation his family created. Today I went on his myspace page and he had already listed himself as divorced (we don't even have a separation agreement!), changed all his photos with me, and removed me as a friend. Two can play at that so I did the same. But that wasn't satisfying enough. Since we got married under a Jewish ketubah, and it's now broken, I think I'm going to rip it to shreds. There will be no Jewish home here, nor any religion for that matter. Now I'm off to do the shredding...

No matter where I turn, your face is there. No matter what I touch, the memories of our times together seep into me like a slow rain. You have become a part of me. So confused, I await your call, no, that´s for later... now as I wait to hear your voice again and wonder, are you the right one? I have made countless mistakes and shown poor judgement, but now, of all times, did I get it right? I need a sign, something to show me my path, and so I will wait, as I always do.

Today I was numb. I couldn´t cry at all. I could think about it, but I couldn´t feel. I went through her jewelry today. And I am wearing her slippers. It sounds weird to say that. I was just supposed to go on vacation. My family reunion. In the Florida Keys, no less. I was going to have so much fun. But every bit of fun I had was marred by one thing: worry and fear. I chose not to be there while it was happening. I can´t watch someone die. I just can´t. But I was there afterwards. And we made all the funeral arrangements and took care of her things, and held a memorial service. It was overwhelming. And now I am numb today. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Goodbye grandma.......

Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things or habits about themselves. People who are tagged should write a blog with their own 6 weird things or habits, and state this rule clearly. Choose 6 people to be tagged, list their names, leave them a comment and tell them they are tagged and to check your blog for details. It's fun! 1. I hate wearing my glasses and will do anything to avoid it. 2. I sometimes just have milk for dinner. 3. I love science fiction and fantasy. 4. I am horrible with names and usually have to hear them at least three times before I remember. 5. I hate wearing socks in the summertime. 6. I pick at my nails, which is bad and I should stop. (Im only doing this once, guys!) Tagged: Lisa, Eve, Ozymandias, Jack, Michael, Dr. Faustus